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How to set BOUNDARIES with a Toxic Person!

  • Published on Apr 1, 2018
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Comments • 888

  • minicc26
    minicc26 Year ago +197

    I have less and less people in my life, to the point where i have been forced to be happy with just myself and you know what its an amazing feeling to not need anyone and to be happy with just you improving and focusing on just you!

    • Magda Lena
      Magda Lena Month ago +1

      Hi-5! ☺️

    • Tracy Newton
      Tracy Newton Month ago

      @Dianne Russell are you a leo? I say this a lot. 👍

    • Tracy Newton
      Tracy Newton Month ago

      @Dianne Russell go girl. Up it.! Right now I want to get dancing like in the late 90's. I think a bloody light bulb just burnt my 🧠 brain. Thank fuck at last the answer I have been looking for. What setting boundaries comes from in a psychiatric way!!!!!!!!! Whoo hoo. This is one to play over and over dear ones. I can honestly say this. Years of groups, Dr apps, assessments, is what I have done for myself. We forget how clever, beautiful unique and ooba strong we are. Isn't it no wonder that whether we know someone or not, they either are crazily jealous or totally rudely blank, like it's our problem they are feeling these emotions. Maybe I am a grandiose bpd cluster C paroined fuck, but im ok with my assumption and gut feeling wake the feel shame. Think about that for a while please. Wouldn't the world be a better place etc. If we can show the devil the light. and that evil will sort itself ou. ,

    • Dianne Russell
      Dianne Russell Month ago +2

      I know , me too if I could marry myself that would be even better. I am so in love with myself.💘

    • Maryam Saed Samii
      Maryam Saed Samii 6 months ago +2

      Am doing the same

  • DrumWild
    DrumWild 3 years ago +275

    When it comes to toxic people, I make my boundaries with concrete and mortar. I escaped a toxic marriage, barely with my life, only to end up in a few friendships that were no different. The friends DID destroy my life, as I knew it.
    Zero tolerance. No patience, whatsoever.
    Oh, you were "just joking," eh? Get out of my house. Now.

    • M S
      M S 4 days ago

      Like I said - I e. Slowly

    • Nicky Mehta
      Nicky Mehta 3 months ago

      I love this.
      My father in law two days ago was telling my 10 month old that me and my husband are hopeless. He disguised it as a joke and I just sat there smiling like a fucking lemon.
      I didn't want to say anything because he's my husband's dad!
      After watching this, I'm ready to deal with all these toxic people in my family and to stand up for myself.
      I have been abandoning myself all my life when it comes to family. No more.

    • Kathleen George-Bol
      Kathleen George-Bol 8 months ago +1

      @Ang This! it's so difficult to finally get someone to leave you alone if they're not above physically stalking you or even "boiling your bunny".

    • tbewin1 z
      tbewin1 z 11 months ago

      Agreed, setting boundaries does not work. Zero tolerance policy, one screw up then they're gone!!!

      SLAY MAYAS Year ago +1

      Shiiit get physical if you must ✨

  • Iza Waniek
    Iza Waniek 9 months ago +7

    When you start loving yourself you do not take on protection , guilt tripping, shaming etc. This feels so great. It is time to stop down- playing our standards and letting other people violate our boundaries. Cleaning house is great:) it is important to make room for good, kind, loving supporting people. We will never be able to meet our good people if we let toxic people take up our time and space. Self protection and high standards are Keys to happiness. If we accept for people who they are we can let them go with peace. It is painful to let people go but it is absolutely vital to create space for amazing people to arrive. Thank you . Every sentence is golden!

  • Jenna Joseph
    Jenna Joseph 2 years ago +64

    Loving isn't a weakness. Being sympathetic isn't a weakness. Being empathetic isn't a weakness. The person who is taking advantage of others isn't strong. The world is so backward.

    • Jenna Joseph
      Jenna Joseph 5 months ago +1

      @Luvr Much Love to you. 💕❤️💕💕💕💕💕❤️

    • Luvr
      Luvr 5 months ago +2

      It took me a while to realize this that toxic people are actually sick and there’s nothing wrong with me

    • Jenna Joseph
      Jenna Joseph 6 months ago +2

      @Liberty Cairde Yes, I completely agree. 💕❤️💕❤️💕💕💕❤️💕❤️💕❤️💕

    • Liberty Cairde
      Liberty Cairde 6 months ago +2

      This comment! It takes strength to heal and overcome all of this. We are not weak.

    • Jenna Joseph
      Jenna Joseph 8 months ago +1

      @Kelly Bullock Yes, I agree 100%.💕❤️💕❤️💕❤️💕❤️💕❤️

  • Robert Lee James Welch
    Robert Lee James Welch 4 years ago +222

    Toxic/Narcissistic people dislike(but respect) forced boundaries and limited access to you. I think building yourself and obtaining success will build your confidence in naturally setting boundaries. But don't just love yourself, build yourself.

    • Sonicz Forever
      Sonicz Forever 4 months ago

      My relative doesn't respect any so maybe I'm an exception. She's just tried harder. I couldnt sleep after meeting her Xmas day and know ill get another headache soon.

    • Kris A
      Kris A 7 months ago

      Omgosh I like the way you put that. Ty

    • tbewin1 z
      tbewin1 z 11 months ago +6

      In my experience, narcissists do not respect boundaries. They actually take it as you are insulting or attacking them in some way. Cutting toxic people loose is the only way!!!

    • justyna k
      justyna k Year ago

      But what is the goals of limiting contact?

  • Amelia Lee
    Amelia Lee 4 years ago +218

    This video was oxygen for me. The validation that it really is ok to have standards was something i needed to hear. Thank you for this wonderful empowering advice. I enjoyed this video- I’m adding it to my favorites. Thank you for all that you do!

  • Taarna Taarakian
    Taarna Taarakian 3 years ago +164

    When she says "abandoning yourself" that was so amazing. That was me for so many years.

    • M S
      M S 8 months ago

      Read Brene Brown's "gifts of imperfection" she really covers abandoning yourself and focusing on your authenticity and how to do that. Loved loved loved this book

    • Godzilla man streb
      Godzilla man streb Year ago +6

      Amanda Sligar I’m 62 & recently realized 2 of my female friends are narcissists🕷🕷......sooo I’ve been backing off & going underground....thank you Covid‼️🌺🌺I’ve been used & manipulated by many!

    • Amanda Sligar
      Amanda Sligar Year ago +21

      I have been putting my feelings, needs, and passions aside since birth and I am 43 now...so much wasted time and energy dealing with this kind of crap. Don't spend another minute on these kinds of people. They will use your trust and loyalty against you. Take care and keep on doing what makes you happy. 🙂

  • Gulliver7
    Gulliver7 4 years ago +194

    The term weak is very limiting. Many of us are extremely strong and have survived hell. I tend to be co-dependent because I have vulnerable areas and in fact, we all have vulnerable areas. Some of us weren't allowed to have boundaries when we were children because our parents felt threatened. Please do not use the term weak and by the way, narcissists tend to be "weaker" than people with codependent tendencies.

    • NuthinButLuv4U
      NuthinButLuv4U 5 months ago

      @topofthepop09 I can see this point but another label is "exhausted." Drained from having to constantly be on guard with a person, and in approaching new people. That will deplete you as well.

    • topofthepop09
      topofthepop09 8 months ago +1

      @Upstate New York I had a knee jerk to the label “weak” as well but have chosen to look at differently: continuing as a people pleaser and as co dependent will most definitely weaken me and steal my life away

    • Upstate New York
      Upstate New York 10 months ago +1

      I agree fully. I don’t like being referred to as “weak”. It’s disrespectful butI don’t think Steph is trying to be.

    • Gretchen Burton
      Gretchen Burton 11 months ago +1

      Thank you. People perceive me as weak and a target. I am getting better in assessing and disconnecting. The term, weak, is very insulting.

  • Gina Fabiani
    Gina Fabiani 4 years ago +213

    This message was very inspiring..I have set two boundaries and it was done in a loving way. I feel good enough to allow them to go. They left. It is painful, but I know this is the best for me and them.

    • V J
      V J 3 years ago +5

      yeyyy!!! curious who were they to you? Looking for inspiration, new to setting boundaries and its paralyzing

  • James MC McCray
    James MC McCray 3 years ago +27

    The light bulb in my soul just lit up watching the first five minutes in this video. I never had boundaries was taught that was just a woman thing and men don’t set boundaries, now I know thank you 🙏

  • Curtistine Miller
    Curtistine Miller 2 years ago +104

    When another person can't respect your boundaries this is a person that you really don't need them in your life.Toxic parents and people that won't respect your boundaries,✂ ✂ ✂ them off life is too short....

  • J Heintre
    J Heintre 4 years ago +71

    I'm currently in a very toxic relationship, but planning to move away from it. Your videos have helped me so much and have given me the strength to move on. A million thanks and god bless you x

    • Tim Langdon
      Tim Langdon 3 years ago +1

      J Heintre my biggest problem is that I cannot change the other person but I could change way how are yet maybe I am maybe me M the Tat toxic person. Through the power of the Lord‘s help I can change the way I actBecause I am not a perfect person I have a hard time spelling and I drive people nuts. Are used to blame the other person from my problems but the bottom line is I called my old problems.

    • Vita Janas
      Vita Janas 3 years ago +1

      Any update?

    • Daniel Tene
      Daniel Tene 3 years ago +1

      How it's going?

    CLAUDIA IGESUND 2 years ago +9

    So encouraging words! The beginning of your self love journey. Understanding that there is nothing wrong with you when you set boundaries...This sounds like freedom to me🙏

  • mstaichi12
    mstaichi12 4 years ago +84

    Thanks for making this video Stephanie. I used to be a people pleaser and was without good boundaries. You are right by saying it comes from lack of self love, self acceptance and self respect. I am actively working through the root causes of these and I've been seeing the benefits. It's not an overnight thing and is going to be a challenging journey but it is very rewarding and pleases the soul and spirit. Thanks again for the reminder!

    • Gangstalkersarecowards Losers
      Gangstalkersarecowards Losers Year ago

      @Saleha Begum what happens is since empaths are so open we get infused with others energies and we lose our own footing,,,as we get older and after much trauma we become even more pourous so in situations where we should speak up we sometimes lose our train of thought because we have so many other energies floating around us and in us...we can even pick up others addictions....I stay away from all cigarette smokers because they are so loaded with dark energy that I cannot even think straight in their presence...Learning to say I need blank blank in all situations is powerful,and it's letting the universe know that you are putting you first now

    • Saleha Begum
      Saleha Begum Year ago

      Hey! I believe lot of us are on the similar vibration! Are we too empathetic to feel others more than we feel ourselves?!! Can you share the boundaries that you have set up! I don't understand how and where should I begin with!

    • lauren gala
      lauren gala 3 years ago


    • lauren gala
      lauren gala 3 years ago

      I Agree too thank u so much techer

    • Maechapman Wyntteoliver
      Maechapman Wyntteoliver 3 years ago

      mstaichi12 , Amen , keep moving forward , you will be just fine

  • Ashley Ware
    Ashley Ware 4 years ago +103

    Omg this reminds me of my previous relationship. It was a very toxic relationship. He was very disrespectful and manipulative and I tried numerous of times to set boundaries with him but he just would not stop pushing them to the point where I was so fed up that I finally broke up with him. You are so right that it does feel like a death having to let go of someone forever. I had to block him off of everything because he would still try to contact me. I am in a healthier relationship now and I am taking what I have learned from my past relationship into my present relationship. I have definitely learned and am still learning self love and how to not be so codependent. Your videos have really helped me identify toxic behaviors and how to eliminate those people out of my life. You are so awesome!! Thank you!

    • Rada Platisa
      Rada Platisa 10 months ago

      I do not really understand what toxic is...like poison...
      I do not have a good relationship with.....someone whom I love...
      I get sad when this person is sad...
      Does it mean it is toxic??? I ask myself

    • tbewin1 z
      tbewin1 z 11 months ago +2

      @Ashley Ware: It may seem hard but after a week or two, you have already forgotten them and wondered why you put in all that effort in the first place!!!

    • justyna k
      justyna k Year ago


    • Otilia Jackson
      Otilia Jackson Year ago +4

      That could have been me. But I jumped straight into another toxic relationship with a covert narcissist. It’s been two years and I finally let him go. I am still in that place where I hope he will reach out to validate me, and show that he was genuine and make things better. But I know that it will be another trick to lure me back into that trap again. It’s been going on for 2 years and nothing has changed.
      I have removed him from the equation of my future. My dreams. My hopes and goals in life. He is slowly but steadily being wiped out from the equation, and I am detaching hard now. I cannot wait to look back at this 1-2 months ahead in time. I hope I will be free and feel happy again.

    • Nick B
      Nick B 2 years ago

      I’m an Aquarius/Sagittarius I actually don’t understand what this video is about or what you mean by boundaries.

  • Hippie-I/O
    Hippie-I/O 4 years ago +44

    Thank you. It's amazing how important it is to me to hear your words over and over. Your conclusion is becoming so true for me as well. Lovely human beings are starting to fill the space once held by non supportive others.

  • Maryanne Razzo
    Maryanne Razzo 3 years ago +12

    I need to listen to this everyday. Thank you so much for being so clear about what toxic dynamics involve.

  • choccycharli
    choccycharli 2 years ago +4

    This is such a breath of fresh air! I really like how you have steps to take. I really struggle with my narccisstic mother in law and after being abused by her I created what i believe are healthy boundaries, but the backlash i got from her was so hard i doubted that I did the right thing. It feels great to have the reassurance that i did the right thing and continue to not involve myself in her crap.

  • Effortlessly Eclectic
    Effortlessly Eclectic 3 years ago +22

    I finally am able to hear the last part of the process that I was never hearing before....I always heard you have to be willing to let people go and be ok being without them, or be ok being alone....but we are not meant to be alone! It is unhealthy for us! So I would hang on to relationships I knew were unhealthy for me, then when I couldn't take any more I'd end it & isolate for extensive periods of time,...years, then end up back with new unhealthy people & the cycle would continue. Now I'm finally hearing the piece I had not been able to hear before,...to let the unhealthy people go, and then let healthy people into your life. That can happen in an instant. You don't have to spend years in isolation only to be damaged again. In one day you can let go of unhealthy people, & open up to getting out there & meeting new people & only letting in the healthy ones. That by recognizing the signs of an unhealthy vs. healthy person, & setting healthy boundaries, you can learn to spot the unhealthy vs. healthy & only let in the healthy ones. Finally! Yes!

    • Efrain Dejesus
      Efrain Dejesus Year ago

      I don't know who you are lol, but for some reason I decided to read through the comments of others, and when I read yours, it's exactly the process I'm going through at the moment, letting go of unhealthy people is sometimes very hard. But anyways thanks.

    • Christina Orisha
      Christina Orisha 2 years ago +1

      How can you spot the healthy ones? Other than seeing how they handle “No” ^_^

    • Shamanka White
      Shamanka White 2 years ago +1

      I used to do the same exact thing. Ending relationships with unhealthy people but then self-isolating for periods of time, often years in between and then getting stuck in more unhealthy relationships. However, last year, early this year, I've been starting to understand that there is nothing wrong with enforcing healthy boundaries and that anyone who wont respect our boundaries is not a person who needs to be in our life. And then also not feeling bad about doing what I need to do for my happiness. Nice to know I'm not alone in having experienced this or lived this way before.

    • Shirley Swafford
      Shirley Swafford 2 years ago

      Thank you for your comment. I saw so much of myself. I am self isolating right now. I am so wounded. I can't meet new people right now. Maybe in time.....

  • Ameera Nasser “ameera the hairy camel”

    I’ve been told I’m difficult to deal with because of my high standards because I won’t settle for less.

  • Cool Water
    Cool Water 4 years ago +89

    Also when one has received so little love one tends to suck up any 'love' one can get and the concept of 'love' is largely unknown.

    • justyna k
      justyna k Year ago

      What is the concept of love? I also wondered. What is love. Give and take? Get some of what you want?

    • Melissa Bodily
      Melissa Bodily Year ago +1

      @Stephanie Lyn Coaching I have yet to have found any benefit to "self parenting," except through self accountability. It really becomes a life long loss, that I refuse to pass onto my children. I find more strength in the reality of the loss and the acceptance-strength to move frwd.

    • Melissa Bodily
      Melissa Bodily Year ago +1

      @A I agree. People can only give whats been given to them. Hence the cycle becomes generational.

    • A
      A Year ago

      @Gangstalkersarecowards Losers ;-; true, it's depressing. I also think a lot of ppl have kids bc they're expected too and they picture it as part of the "American Dream" or whatever. Doesn't make sense to me, but ig that's societal pressure and expectations for some reason. So there's also that factor too. Society rlly messed up tbh. It just reinforces harmful cycles, passing down to generation upon generation. Or teach ppl to do things for all the wrong reasons n follow the crowd, etc.

    • Gangstalkersarecowards Losers
      Gangstalkersarecowards Losers Year ago +4

      @A then if this the case those same people should not bring children into this world,,,narcissist parents ruins kids lives

  • Jo Sun
    Jo Sun 2 years ago +8

    Best video yet. I set boundaries, didn’t feed into the games and left when I saw he was toxic.

  • C L
    C L Year ago +9

    Took me a long time to realize my parents never taught me boundaries or respected them as a kid and it led to me being abused in relationships

  • Avanelle Hansen
    Avanelle Hansen 9 months ago +2

    Thank you! I had strong standards, but I haven't been telling people where my boundaries are. When the boundary is crossed, it makes me mad. I was doing the responding emotionally to what I didn't want,not communicating what I do want This gives me the guideline I was looking for.

  • David Nyro
    David Nyro 2 years ago +5

    Love what Stephanie says beginning at 6:18 "You love yourself enough to know..." 'til 7:18. (And after is all great too. It's all great.) This is a KEY point! If I had a dime for every time someone threw shade at me for expressing feelings, thoughts, preferences, etc...
    I've heard everything Stephanie says here; the "too sensitive" slam, the shaming, the "you're imagining things." The classic: "I'll be the one who decides how YOU feel..." The people who call whatever it is you're saying that THEY don't like a "rant," or they tell you to stop seeing things in such a naive, black & white way, and that the world is "gray" and complex. Yes, it is, but in this case, this is their code for saying they can say and do whatever they want and you're naive to have hard and fast codes of honor, integrity, loyalty, self-respect, etc. Boundaries! I've even been called a "Boy Scout" or "Dudley Do-Right." More shaming. Don't let them emotionally blackmail you. And if you feel you need to excise those people from your life, do it! DO IT! You'll be doing yourself a huge solid. And maybe you'll be helping them in a way. Not your job to do that, but if someone's truly toxic, they will, at some point, perhaps start to see the obvious: their narcissistic supply, or whatever, is all going away. No one sticks around in their life. Consequences. Maybe they won't care. But, again, not our concern. Care about you! And watch more healthy people come into your life when you practice what Stephanie is espousing.

  • Katrina Purser
    Katrina Purser Year ago +2

    Thank you! Your wisdom and knowledge has really helped me recognize that my boundaries I have tried to put up are not being respected and this toxic friend has been manipulating and bringing down my self worth and it’s time to move on and distance myself from a toxic friendship and you have given me confidence to do so 🙏🏻 feeling strong!!

  • Virginia Fonacier
    Virginia Fonacier 3 years ago +16

    Let them see you are happy and not affected by their drama and evil works.so amazing to see them struggling and mesirable!!!hahaha!set boundaries because they hate it.

  • Veroh.
    Veroh. 4 years ago +50

    I really needed to hear this. always on point Stephanie, good job... keep it up!!!

  • Jae Me
    Jae Me 2 years ago +11

    Thank you, I accepted red flags from my ex because he love bombed me in the beginning. He didnt have his life together and that kept bothering me. I now know how to layout boundaries. I felt like I did, more as an ultimatum and he would get really upset, which upset me. I broke up with him, but I am still hurting at times because I did become emotionally dependent on him. Now I have to find myself again.

  • Cathy Ellington
    Cathy Ellington 3 years ago +25

    Thank you so much Stephanie Lyn. I have just recently gotten out of a very tough toxic relationship with a narcissist. We lived together for two years and he has managed to take all the trust I ever had away. I lost my spouse of 39 years to Cancer. Then I guess I went Looney. I was scammed out of my retirement and more by online dating and then find I thought to be Mr. Right. I miss my husband so much and at 65 thinking I might have to stay single. Can't do anymore of the last two years. WOW, what a ride. Like living in a spook house at a carnival. Never know what to expect next. Something scary around every turn. Great video.

  • swright4twenty
    swright4twenty 3 years ago +13

    I honestly appreciate these videos because not only do they help me identify other people's character flaws, they help me identify my own which is even more important to me. I was in a 7 year relaltionship that ended badly and all i did was point my finger which is why a year later I am still hurting. By learning to look at myself it's really helping me to take responsibility for my part and moving forward, Im learning how to be a mentally healthy and stable woman. I have some really great qualities that I have let go by the wayside trying to be somebody I was never meant to be. The information here is very powerful, inspiring and just plain old facts. Thank you lady. Please don't stop.

  • Mary Lawless
    Mary Lawless Year ago +99

    Why don't they teach us this in school?! 😭😂

    • James Sutton
      James Sutton 7 months ago

      Let's all make a commitment to learn from this day forward. Some things can't be taught in school, we have to learn as we go, grow through what we go through. This is an awaking video.

    • Dawn Miller
      Dawn Miller 7 months ago +1

      They do.... it’s called the road to hard knocks!

    • Dan Davis
      Dan Davis 8 months ago +1

      narcissitic parents would complain, and onto the junk pile along with evolution and racism

    • Artquick Flix
      Artquick Flix Year ago +2

      Yes i hope so in senior high at least.

    • Artquick Flix
      Artquick Flix Year ago +3

      Yes i hope so in senior high at least.

  • SK Bains
    SK Bains Year ago +1

    I’m de-cluttering my social circles from toxic people out of self ❤️. This is going to be my daily guide for the next few months 🙏🏼
    “If you can’t meet me here then that’s ok, ☮️ be with you ...” then open space in your life for kind, supportive people. You may need to love others from afar and also let others go completely, with a lot of forgiveness and 💕

  • SF
    SF 2 years ago +6

    I’m looking forward to putting this into practice intentionally. Thanks for these helpful insights.

  • roxannelucky
    roxannelucky 3 years ago +1

    After a traumatic childhood, filled with sexual and physical abuse, I finally learned boundaries as an adult. What a blessing! I love me, and now that I do, everything is so much better. Thanks Stephanie for sharing your gifts

  • Ville Oikarinen
    Ville Oikarinen Year ago

    4:15 That's it! To know my rules and be able to state them tactfully. Now I just need to remember this before letting the fight start within my boundaries. And then learn The Way of the Tactfulness :)

  • Grant Newman
    Grant Newman 3 years ago +3

    These videos have truly enlightened me and my understanding of my relationship(s). Thank you Stephanie!

  • Lorrie Mutschall
    Lorrie Mutschall 3 years ago +6

    This all reminds me of how my “friends” treated me in high school. The very few times we’ve gotten together over the past 30 some years has proved to me they still treat me the same. I now keep them at a distance and rarely speak with them if at all.

  • Lynn Costello
    Lynn Costello 3 years ago +4

    LCostello Sometimes it's really frustrating to hear this kind of "loving yourself" advice from therapists, because you CAN love yourself, but when you try to stand up for yourself an abusive person can retaliate, especially by mobbing and using other bullies to try to control you.

  • shannanrain
    shannanrain 3 years ago +2

    Thank you. I needed this information. I didn’t realize that I wasn’t setting boundaries with family, and I need to do this.

    • Jocelyn
      Jocelyn Year ago

      So true, same and reinforcing those boundaries.

  • Meagan Olsen
    Meagan Olsen 2 years ago +2

    This video has been very informative about how to enforce boundaries. I’ve always struggled with it because mine have been extremely violated and it’s been difficult to even know what that means for me. I don’t think I was ever taught what a boundary even was. I can even admit that I haven’t been respectful of people’s boundaries before as well. I’m learning how to do that too because it’s extremely important. So thank you Stephanie for all of your wonderful advice.

  • Angela Maria
    Angela Maria 3 years ago +1

    I am finally learning to love myself and set boundaries and to be aware of the people I surround myself with just too bad it took this long after many years of not caring for myself, am 50 now but its best later than never. I love your channel Stephanie.

  • Suzanne
    Suzanne 3 years ago +2

    Thank you. You do a great job at explaining terminology for counseling and self-help.

  • Barbara Cavanaugh
    Barbara Cavanaugh 3 years ago +2

    Perfect helpful delivery of this boundaries empowerment, Stephanie! “Thank you very much”...

  • Three Thrushes
    Three Thrushes 3 years ago +1

    I had two close family members who chose to repeatedly cross two reasonable boundaries I had set (don't shout at me, and don't accuse me of causing someone's illness).
    Enforcing those boundaries by going no contact was one of the more easy decisions I've made in life.
    No regrets, and goodbye toxicity!

  • Hannah Miller
    Hannah Miller 4 years ago +25

    We are all simultaneously teachers and students. We all have valuable, hard earned insights and also pain induced areas needing growth. To recognize this helps to cultivate a state of empathy and love for ourself and others, we are allsacred beings, doing the best we are able in the moment. This state of love for all-that-is is ultimately where the path of suffering shall end!

  • M S
    M S 8 months ago

    "If you had to loose people in your life you'd be ok" YES!! I flourish from the narcs discard, it was a breath of relief when they left.

  • Burt Chabot
    Burt Chabot 3 years ago +2

    Thank you so much Stephanie, for the love and encouragement. Everyone of us needs love and respect.
    Some of my renters have trouble maintaining respect in their communications with me and their neighbors. I want to offer a little bit of allowance for someone stressed out to vent, briefly. ( the danger here is to allow myself to make repeated excuses for pathology, having grownup in a toxic situation and recreated it when I was on my own). So in crafting a response to tenants who violate my boundaries, I want to say something like “To continue renting here we require civil respectful communication from you. I don’t require you like me or your neighbor. If you continue to slamming doors and swearing at me and your neighbors you may be asked to find another place to live.” Unfortunately I regularly put up with poor behavior for far too long. So I am going to practice, in the mirror at first, or to my dog (Ananda) when she barks too much.

  • J. K.
    J. K. Year ago +1

    All I can say is, that your words are so true and meaningful for me, that I will have to listen to it over and over and over again till it gets imprinted in my self sabotaging mind. Thank You !

  • Sissi
    Sissi 4 years ago +15

    Stephanie, oh, at 16.15 I had to giggle: "Cleaning house", as it applies to cleaning out people, ha ha! What a great comparison. Resonates with me, being a confirmed Minimalist anyhow, I never hang on to stuff, there's nothing better than a good chucking out of stuff, feels great! There are millions of people in cities, thousands in villages, so why hang on to a few bad apples? Great video! Thank you!

  • PsychedPerspective
    PsychedPerspective 3 years ago

    Yes!!!! Especially in today’s world where they’re literally telling you it’s wrong to have boundaries and standards.
    There’s nothing wrong with having boundaries and standards.
    I’ve been learning for months through therapy and healing abt boundaries, self care, my own trauma and abuse, and realizing I have to put myself first.

  • Diana Boughner
    Diana Boughner 4 years ago +46

    ❤ I had boundaries but the narc not only crashed them repeatedly but was horrifically abusive. This video really clarified a lot for me. ❤

    • Karen De Caires
      Karen De Caires 3 years ago

      It's all about standing up for yourself and not allowing people to walk all over you. Jesus Christ wants us to have standards and maintain them. It's actually not just being kind to yourself its being kind and truthful to others also!

    • Families Supporting Trauma Recovery
      Families Supporting Trauma Recovery 3 years ago

      Yes, Jesus Christ teaches us very specific ways to discern about people and to love one another.

    • Families Supporting Trauma Recovery
      Families Supporting Trauma Recovery 3 years ago

      I love what she says about standards and being really clear about it. People can rise to the challenge. But it can be a form of power and control. Puppet master. It's sounds a little like one upping and grandstanding. I like moderation. Life is difficult. It can be very stressful to have someone talking in generalities about high standards and walls instead of boundaries. It's important to respect people's human rights. People have a right to be heard about things that concern them. We do deal with our loved ones flaws and foibles and imperfections. To play the lord and master handing down strict rules could be problematic. Specific examples would be good.

    • Families Supporting Trauma Recovery
      Families Supporting Trauma Recovery 3 years ago

      It's ok to show emotion. Narcissists can make up if you show emotion that you are a narcissist. We dint want to spew our emotions all over the room and we want to contain our emotions moderately. We dint want to repress our emotions either. Difficult people speak in non sense words. They store up resentments and withhold. They act out and provoke and then when you respond they gaslight and make things up and play the victim. They tell you how you are thinking and feeling with no evidence. They tattle. They bring a third party in. Triangulation is what manipulators do. They play let's you and him fight. They play the pity ploy behind the back. Abusers withhold. They rush to judgement and jump to conclusions. They evade, divert, and deflect from reasoned deliberation. They speak in vague generalities. We love one another when we share our perceptions, thoughts, feelings, rules, beliefs and preferences and listen to one another. We seek truth and find meaning and understanding together. We negotiate. We notice who is controlling communication and stonewalling. And evading reasoned deliberation. We go for transparency and authenticity. We level. We self reflect when someone is upset. Look at our part. We try to fight fair and maintain reflective functioning. An open dialogue with the group will reveal the chief control freak. She will speak in cheap power plays, play the rescuer of someone inappropriately, change the subject, flip the script, and its cognitive distortions and logical fallacies. Difficult people are often people of the lie. Valid feelings can be validated. Racket feelings are not valid. People play games. We are all imperfect. We ask lots of questions. Critical thinking. Complex thought. We try to exercise the discipline to resolve issues and solve problems. If someone's feelings are valid or maybe invalid we explore the evidence. We dont just validate hatred for someone else for example. Dysfunctional families don't talk about the real abuse. The games and triangulation. It's nice to try to talk things out with loved ones and try to rebuild truth and trust. I want honest feedback from loved ones. I don't expect indiscriminate praise. Dysfunctional people need to learn confrontation and leveling. It's an inside job. I really think it's key to uncover our own character defects. I think it's scary to deal with a difficult person who promotes estrangement or abandonment as a weapon or threat. Narcissists tend to have rigid selfish standards. Double standards. Perfectionists.

    • Maechapman Wyntteoliver
      Maechapman Wyntteoliver 3 years ago +7

      I am not looking for a relationship anymore , I have a relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ ,start a relationship ship with him , you will never regret it , I sure don't

  • prep For life
    prep For life Year ago +2

    So true. This has been a life long challenge for me, I am actively making changes for the better. The mind and heart take time to change old ways

  • Renew Your Mind
    Renew Your Mind 3 years ago +2

    I always look forward to watching more of your videos. They've taught me a tremendous amount of great information. I've always felt like an outcast because I just liked working with horses in my teens on up. In doing so I could pick up on body language, naturally working with animals who cannot tell me what they need, which sure helps read people as well.
    I'm socially awkward, but kind & genuine towards people. When people projected things on me, I always looked inward thinking, how could they think that! I'd get defensive, or try to "prove" I wasn't. It handed them all my power.
    But I now see how people project their insecurities onto me, & it's better to let them know, "That seems rude that you would say that, hmm, I wonder why you think that?" Regardless how they feel, it's not something I need to take on as my own. It's very impowering to know that I can stay in my truth, even when someone has something they feel, but isn't necessarily true! I can accept that they see something different & still be me.
    Or by saying "I wonder why you'd think that?" Maybe it opens up a dialog & they show I had been doing something that was an issue for them. I can survey what it is, & either change or if it's non negotiable I can tell them I'm sorry you feel that way but I feel strongly & won't change this particular thing. Before I would've caved in just to be a people pleaser. Much healthier now that I'm using the thinking side of my brain (as they say with horses who don't react, but think through an issue)

  • Sagebay
    Sagebay 2 years ago +3

    You're so awesome! Thank you for your videos. I had to go no-contact with my whole family of origin because I could not take the abuse any longer. I didn't know who I WAS anymore. You're videos have helped me build up my self-esteem and made me feel that I did the right thing. Thanks so much!!

  • SureHowDoYouKnow
    SureHowDoYouKnow 4 years ago +7

    This is an excellent discussion. Thank you.

  • ItsBrieW
    ItsBrieW 3 years ago +1

    Thank you for these tips. Your advice resonates with my spirit, I know this is what I’ve needed to hear all my life. I’m glad I’m getting the information now so I can help my children become well-balanced adults.

    • Stephanie Lyn Coaching
      Stephanie Lyn Coaching  3 years ago

      Thank you so much! I’m so glad the stuff resonates with you. It’s so important to teach our kids these things…100%!!

  • Helene Follesdal
    Helene Follesdal 2 years ago +2

    So so valuable, I took so many notes while listening to this. Thank you so much for sharing your insights and creating this video!

  • Jessica
    Jessica 3 years ago +1

    Love. Love. Love. Love this information! I needed a refresher on why Im setting boundaries this week. You are a God Send Stephanie!🌃❤

  • Ram Melli
    Ram Melli 3 years ago +6

    I love how you say, everyone is a teacher or a learner! It's so true! I believe God puts people in your life to teach you something or for you to teach them! Sometimes they are really awesome easy things and somethings they are hard things but in the end, it's great to look back and see how much you've grown and got through the situation! I was just dealing with a difficult person recently and it helped me realized how much of a pushover I am and how I need to stand up for myself! Thanks for your tips!!!

  • Adina Kristina
    Adina Kristina 4 months ago

    This video came along at just the right moment in my life. Some of these things I already knew, but knowing something and acting on it are very different things. I'm saving this for the study guide I'm building for myself to keep life moving in the right direction, exercising self love and purging toxicity/setting real and concrete boundaries. Thanks so much for this!

  • D. Kirk
    D. Kirk 3 years ago +9

    Thanks. This is what i have basically come to fully realize; one ultimately must choose to respond, rather than just simply react.
    Thanks! Great presentation.
    Why do Narcissist/Impossible People/Toxic People/Emotional Vampires constantly distort events to suit their needs while discarding other people...”throwing a person under a bus.”. This is painful to experience on a routine basis.

    • Bernice Cherfrere
      Bernice Cherfrere 2 years ago

      @Stephanie Lyn Coaching Wow!

    • Stephanie Lyn Coaching
      Stephanie Lyn Coaching  3 years ago +2

      It is a painful experience and they do this to ease their own internal suffer. You have to understand they are extremely fragile and insecure so by throwing someone under the bus it makes them feel better. When they discard someone it is actually a compliment to the person being discarded because it means they could not break you and you would not put up with their crap. You held them accountable and they do not like that.

  • Brad Croy
    Brad Croy 4 years ago +26

    Like you Stephanie I have been cleaning house with friendships and some family members. It feels good but different. The friends I have now are real and true. I hope to find a healthy lady to share life with but am enjoying everyday in a new way now. Thanks

  • Artistic Consultant Experience

    Great delivery, and I got it! We also must remember too that we shouldn't ask nor expect anything from anyone that we ourselves are not willing to give. Because we don't want to become the Narc, although we all have "sum" form of Narcissistic characteristics.
    Appreciate your help 😘

  • Jenn Lloyd
    Jenn Lloyd 3 years ago +1

    VERY WELL SAID!! I needed to hear this so badly!! That my narcissistic ex-husband for over 20 years was in my life to teach me to stand up for myself that I have never ever done!! I'm beyond a codependent & I'm also diving into recovering from that also... But, in the beginning of my divorce 3 years ago... I have to admit I couldn't have heard this so easily.. I would've listened & understood but, I still would've gone back to him like exactly what I did... divorced 3 years now, got engaged again, 3 mos later caught him cheating again for the I don't know how many times??? But, I know it's over for life now is the closure!!!

  • imad n
    imad n Year ago +1

    Your videos are exactly what I needed in my life! I have been surrounded by toxic people my whole life. Every time I try to set boundaries to protect myself those people judge me as if I were a notorious criminal, Accusing me of being sensitive when the only thing I wanted from them is showing some respect, As long as I am respectful.

  • jcsrst
    jcsrst 2 years ago +4

    I am at the point where I am beginning to love myself and have started to set clear boundaries and enforce them. As a result I am losing the few people that have been in my life for a long time. I am not angry at them. My sadness is that I want healthy people in my life and am having trouble finding them. I am not afraid to be alone and am trying to be patient. It's just hard when you realize were you to get sick, there's no one in your life that would look after you. I do hope that I can have couple of people in my life that I love that love and respect me back.

  • John Alexander
    John Alexander Year ago

    Hi Stephanie: You are helping me so much. I have co-dependency issues. Everyone has an area they need to improve in. Thanks, I am making a lot of progress. Blessings, Johnny Alexander

  • Kas S
    Kas S 3 years ago +2

    This helped a lot. Thank you so much. I actually made a long Facebook post for all my Facebook friends to see and posted all of the things that I don't tolerate and what are my boundaries. (I linked up this video too.) again, thank you so much

  • The Afro-Jamaican Vegan
    The Afro-Jamaican Vegan 3 years ago +1

    I’m glad that God had this video to show up last week Friday for me, because I must learn to set standards in my relationships and need help with setting consequences for my boundaries. My toxic relatives taught me how to be passive, and have always treated me badly since I have narcissists on both sides. I know that they don’t belong in my life anymore.

  • Abby Estrada
    Abby Estrada 3 years ago +15

    I struggled my whole life. especially with girl friends.

  • bjulia33
    bjulia33 3 years ago +2

    i totally agree with everything she has to say, especially as it is confirmed by research and psychologists, as when her terminology and concepts echo cbt perfectly for example (false beliefs, stories we tell ourselves.)

  • Ivan Helmut
    Ivan Helmut 2 years ago

    Thank for this! I enjoy this very much especially the bit about being mindful and looking at the situation (with the other person) as an opportunity for one's growth. And yes, love for self does not come from anger or ego.

  • Michael
    Michael 3 years ago +7

    How does compassion fit into the complexities related to any (good or bad) relationship?

    • Madam Butterfly
      Madam Butterfly Year ago

      u can love them and forgive them for shortcomings if they r unintentional or if they agree to change bad behaviour but remind respectful, loyal, loving to urself first....if they r toxic beyond repair...love them from far

    • Sharilyn Fritz
      Sharilyn Fritz 3 years ago

      I wanna know this too. My mother has dementia. She was always a bully but now .... I think I'll write her a short letter to outline my expectations.

  • Shawn McKinney
    Shawn McKinney 3 years ago

    I so needed to hear this, liked the end about how to enforce you're boundaries. It was very validating to hear that those are the things we can do in those circumstances enforce the boundary we have made. It's okay to cut people from your life but not from anger.

  • Dantoinette Taylor

    @3:19 "that person is there in your life to teach you something" ... These words are gems to me. I will try and apply to my current situation with a family member who is abusing my kindness

  • Mightyry
    Mightyry 3 years ago

    This video is perfect for me today! Many of your videos have been great for me this week as I have been dealing in a toxic relationship because I am a people please and an Anxious Attachment style that did not understand setting personal boundaries. Thanks so much Stephanie!

  • Sonic Boomin
    Sonic Boomin 4 years ago +1

    I have made it through my second time. I have the content subconsciously linking into my mind. I really appreciate this Stephanie!

  • Mattie Nicole
    Mattie Nicole Year ago +3

    I'm dealing with difficulties with people 🙄 and Instead of running my mouth about it on RU-clip. I went on RU-clip to learn how to grow from it. Thank you!

  • Sarah Tara
    Sarah Tara 3 years ago +1

    I love and appreciate your videos, Stephanie! I'm so happy that i found your channel xo thank you for the support and your beautiful energy!

  • Jenna Starr
    Jenna Starr Year ago

    I've only just come across this and the other video on boundaries, on my journey out of a narc relationship... These are best explainations!!! I will rewatch these, no doubt! 🙏❤️

  • Elicia Garcia
    Elicia Garcia 3 years ago +1

    I feel like I was meant to come across these videos. I needed the messages she gives. She explains so well and I really needed to learn this and hear it

    • Stephanie Lyn Coaching
      Stephanie Lyn Coaching  3 years ago

      I felt the same thing years ago when I started on this journey.. “when the students ready the teacher will appear”🙌

  • Krissy C
    Krissy C 4 months ago

    Listening to this in tears. You are explaining me to a T. I’m ready to work on self love so that I can begin to set healthy boundaries.

  • ld christenson
    ld christenson Year ago

    Thank you for this! I’m going through a divorce after 20 years!! And it’s so hard not to blame myself for letting him down or not being good enough.

  • diann desilva
    diann desilva 2 years ago +1

    Amazing! Your video is on spot with what I am going through right now with an adult child. Will continue watching your videos as this one is very inspiring.🙏🏾

  • MikeN F1
    MikeN F1 2 years ago

    Thank you for this video. It clarified the issue of boundaries so much for me. It helped me see how I had not set appropriate boundaries with my ex-wife simply because I was too laidback. And how it led to her taking increasingly more inappropriate liberties in how she treated me.
    But it also showed how to decide and enforce good boundaries in the future.

  • Shilpa Katta
    Shilpa Katta Year ago

    Great advice ! Really this should be taught in schools, we should grow up practicing this all along. It would especially help women who generally tend to please everyone around them.

  • Mariana Taffarel Movimento

    The best approach to the issue I have ever heard! Now you gave me an insight in how to deal with my invasive mother. Thank you!

  • Rose Garcia
    Rose Garcia 3 years ago +1

    Your videos are so valuable to me. I have struggled with boundaries all my life. I am on my way to recovery. Thank you!

  • Chris Cintron
    Chris Cintron 3 years ago +2

    This Is Information Everyone Needs To Hear. Thank You Ms Stephanie Lyn.

  • Becky Vega life coach
    Becky Vega life coach 3 years ago +2

    So I had to clean house also and went no contact with my sibling because he is narcissistic and emotionally abusive since he is confrontational I did it by text. And of course I got back lash from him. It's definitely not an easy thing to do because I know my family will also give me back lash but this video is great because it gives me the validation that I need .

  • Steph B
    Steph B 4 years ago +2

    Thank you so much for listening!! This was sooo helpful!!

  • Edward Muniz
    Edward Muniz Year ago +1

    If they can’t respect your boundaries then it is abuse, after that you need to walk away, you don’t keep updating your boundaries for a new brand of abuse.

  • Caitlin Curry
    Caitlin Curry 3 years ago

    I love what you say here, it is perhaps the most important aspect to me is that we are brought together for a reason. We are not brought to them so we can help them evolve or get better but to learn how to love ourselves enough to walk away. Stop trying to beat the unbeatable game and have the strength to WALK AWAY

  • mjcard
    mjcard 3 years ago +1

    While I agree that many people benefit from this description and advice, there is a tendency these days to demand near total conformity to one's own preferences and ideas as the standard of expectation in relationships. It is essential to retain and practice flexibilty, reciprocation and to learn discretion to avoid haughty dismissal of others. Some people, it's true, are truly damaging, but standing up for oneself should not mean sometimes letting others lead the way. The climate of hysteria that is prevalent today reeks of the notion that all must conform to one standard of thought and behavior, rigid boundaries. This will not lead to healthy growth or healthy outcome, either personal or political.

  • dnyaneshwar Keram
    dnyaneshwar Keram 3 years ago +1

    Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us life is getting better and my emotional muscle is getting stronger, now I can catch them sucking my energy though a bit later yet it's a relief that I can recover pretty faster thank you for your unconditional support I love you.

  • khanehdiangurl
    khanehdiangurl 4 years ago +4

    Thank you so much, really needed to hear this right now. Much Love to you & thank you for sharing

  • Jill Young
    Jill Young 3 years ago

    Thank for explaining this message in a way that’s easy to understand. I’m a new subscriber, and have got many videos to catch up on. You have really helped me a lot already. Only discovered you this morning!

  • vicki diaz
    vicki diaz 4 years ago +9

    Thank you for you videos. It has change my relationship with myself and others in only week 1. I am currently setting boundaries with my emotionally abusive husband. Unfortunately we have a long way to go. He is very unhappy with my personal growth. I may lose my relationship which will sadden me. However I will have found myself. Thank you! Thankyou! Thank you!

  • Marina G
    Marina G Year ago

    Wow!! I did hit me with the realization of how exactly to start to feel my boundaries and what I am comfortable with, when I don't know them yet. Just by feeling comfortable or not at a particular moment - it's a key!! Trust myself and my gut. I do feel when I abandon myself!! Yes, just like give away a part of me to someone that will never appreciate it!! I abuse myself by doing that😢 Now I am more aware of the mechanism of me doing that. Gotta learn how to love myself 100%!
    Thank you very much for that important information.