Letting go of expectations: Heather Marshall at TEDxGreenville 2014

  • Опубликовано: 16 июн 2014
  • In a search for her biological parents, this writer/teacher discovers a serenity in releasing the world around her from her own behavioral presumptions. Heather Marshall begins by telling us a story of her Scottish birth parents - they were young, too young for the age, and without options other than to give her up for adoption. Later, as an adult, as she was waiting to meet her birth mother, she had time to consider what her reaction would be if her mother was dying, obese, an ex-prostitute. How would she react to each of these situations? She dug deep and learned that expectations are like a third party in a relationship, constantly bouncing around in your head. Instead of dwelling on our expectations for others, we should allow ourselves to fully rest in the reality of the moment. "Whatever expectations you have should be kept away from your relationships," she says. Only in this way can you engage in a truly loving relationship with others.
    This talk was part of TEDxGreenville UNZIPPED, held April 11, 2014, at the Kroc Center in Greenville, South Carolina. For more information about Heather and her co-presenters, please visit tedxgreenville.com/2014presenters.
    In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)

Комментарии • 77

  • Brandon Olivas
    Brandon Olivas 15 дней назад

    93 people had expectations lol

    • Lance Marchetti
      Lance Marchetti 4 часа назад

      was it your expectation that there would be zero thumbs down? ...lol

  • Melissa Loos
    Melissa Loos 16 дней назад

    Thank you!

  • Lully kyunii
    Lully kyunii Месяц назад

    Expectations can ruin a relationship, and you realized it very late.
    What I believe is the more your being emotional, the higher expectations you will have.
    Thank you for this video hopefully things can be fixed after.

  • ☢Kalle🚀
    ☢Kalle🚀 Месяц назад

    My soul is dying. I also have too high expectations. But I don't want to lose my level. But if I would have lower expectations I would lose my level. This makes me deeply depressive. I'm afraid.

  • russshh
    russshh 2 месяца назад

    But should I not expect my friend to respect me? That means not being friends with them, right?

  • Emily L
    Emily L 3 месяца назад

    Thank you

  • Flavour Junction
    Flavour Junction 3 месяца назад

    9:44 genius!

  • Dina
    Dina 3 месяца назад

    obese lol

  • KanchoKomancho
    KanchoKomancho 4 месяца назад +4

    ‘Set the standard! Stop expecting others to show you love, acceptance, commitment, and respect when you don’t even show that to yourself.’ ~ Steve Maraboli

  • Sophie Chang
    Sophie Chang 4 месяца назад

    Thank you i really need this😭

  • jay1428nd
    jay1428nd 4 месяца назад

    I'm removing my excitations that I laid on myself. Thank you.

  • Eliana Valdez
    Eliana Valdez 4 месяца назад +2

    She looks like Adam Sadler 🤔

  • Meekainc
    Meekainc 4 месяца назад

    So helpful!!!
    On a side note: I did want to know what became of her adoptive parents, and if they maintained a realationship 😊

  • lifeofshilpa
    lifeofshilpa 5 месяцев назад

    How do you not expect and care at the same time?

  • Catlin Panelo
    Catlin Panelo 5 месяцев назад +5

    I like that necklace.

  • esther kagema
    esther kagema 6 месяцев назад

    Best video on expectations so far....

  • P
    P 7 месяцев назад

    But...but why did her young parents break up??!!

  • Adnan M
    Adnan M 7 месяцев назад

    Dippresed women

  • Charles Engels
    Charles Engels 7 месяцев назад +1

    This makes sense and you can connect with the universal human values in it. Realizing this in your own life, in practice, when you are facing problems like a breakup is at times harder than you might think. There are no easy answers or solutions. But here you get some relevant insight into the workings of these mechanisms. That's why I wonder why, so far 58 individuals have given this a 'thumbs down' - very strange indeed!

  • MaryRose007
    MaryRose007 7 месяцев назад +6

    I wish this talk was an hour long with more examples of how it applies in real life in areas outside relationships. Her concept is powerful but the example she illustrates it with is very very narrow. I’d like to hear more of her.

  • Drake Drones
    Drake Drones 7 месяцев назад +53

    Expectations are desires, and desires are the root of all disappointments and pain. Giving up expectations from others and oneself is NOT easy. It is one of the most painful thing to do if you are someone like me who gets attached to people, things and places. It’s excruciatingly miserable and depressing existence. Not easy to give up.

    • Victorious Joy
      Victorious Joy Месяц назад

      So true! Lately I have looked at it as a way of giving freedom to others as well as myself. However, we are designed for connection! What's the balance?

    • aaron stockton
      aaron stockton 2 месяца назад +1

      I find it to be liberating.

    • ed junior
      ed junior 4 месяца назад

      Drake Drones so true

    • esther kagema
      esther kagema 6 месяцев назад +1

      I feel you not easy... But with constant looking at the risks and not expectations it makes things easier....

  • Arup Kumar
    Arup Kumar 8 месяцев назад +3

    Expectations really kills everything... But without expectations no relationship is possible in the world..

  • Amelia Wojnicz
    Amelia Wojnicz 8 месяцев назад +16

    it all depends how much you invest in those expectations. It is more difficult if you are not willing to let go, and continue to "hold on" to hope. At some point, I agree, you will become stronger and better able to "accept" or "deal with it", but you will always be left with that scar in your heart of what you wanted, and could never attain. Maybe in time, I will learn to let go of that too.

    • Patricia Fisher
      Patricia Fisher 5 месяцев назад

      Amela Wojnicz, Thank you for responding to my comment Amelia. I wish you well on your journey. ( :

    • Amelia Wojnicz
      Amelia Wojnicz 5 месяцев назад

      +Patricia Fisher hello Patricia, I wish I had the wisdom to advise. I am learning as I go. It's different with different situations. Some events are more painful than others. To me, it's about how invested I am with people that are in my life. It's hardest with those that you expect or want more from. Good luck with your journey. Some things are just accepting situations, and I am not always quick to let go. It's a process.

    • Patricia Fisher
      Patricia Fisher 5 месяцев назад +1

      I hear what you are saying Amelia. I have recently dropped expectations I had of certain family members and a friend. I had to do this to reduce the pain and disappointment I had been feeling. From now on I will be developing the new habit of not setting myself up with expectations. I ''expect'' this to be a positive change in my thinking. How are you doing Amelia ? Do you have any tips to give me ?

  • Pres Silz
    Pres Silz 8 месяцев назад

    Yes, I'll been expect my relationship to end up with marriage... but suddenly, we will broke up. Now, I didn't expect anything.

  • Milady Amalia
    Milady Amalia 8 месяцев назад

    Brilliant, Thanks!

  • Gratitude Appreciation
    Gratitude Appreciation 8 месяцев назад +34

    Blessed are those who expect nothing from no one.

  • Wilesh Sawant
    Wilesh Sawant 9 месяцев назад +2

    Spiritual psychology. God bless you n listeners.

  • Mansi Sheth
    Mansi Sheth 10 месяцев назад

    So subtle.. :)

  • Aditya Pandey
    Aditya Pandey 11 месяцев назад +1

    Thank you Heather Marshall and Ted talks for helping me start a journey that has made me look deep into myself which I wouldn't have done otherwise.

  • Sandra Betts
    Sandra Betts 11 месяцев назад

    This was exactly what I needed when I needed it. Highly recommend to others. This is a treasured jewel from Heather Marshall.

  • Kajol Bhattacharya
    Kajol Bhattacharya 11 месяцев назад

    Your too too good...thanku thanku so much 🙌😘

  • abs !
    abs ! 11 месяцев назад +1

    ❤❤so true

  • Queen Goldie Lush
    Queen Goldie Lush Год назад +13

    this got me....

  • Morgan Naing
    Morgan Naing Год назад +1


  • Marla Star
    Marla Star Год назад

    very cool, my theme .....No expectations.....2018"

  • M Mess
    M Mess Год назад

    Good talk! I wish she would have told what happened when she finally got to meet her birth mother!

  • Brooke H
    Brooke H Год назад +1

    This was fantastic! Thanks for sharing this truth!!!

  • polutanka
    polutanka Год назад +16

    Wow! "If you've asked a couple of times and you didn't get the response you wanted, you're probably not going to get it".

  • jayakrishnan vamanan
    jayakrishnan vamanan Год назад +1

    This is exactly what I needed to listen. Thank you..

  • Meem
    Meem Год назад +38

    " Expectation doesn't guarantee you a thing " I really like this .

  • georgemarsone
    georgemarsone Год назад +2

    AMAZING INFO.......

  • Orchid Iverness
    Orchid Iverness Год назад +4

    dang I wanted to hear about the reunion! sounds like it went okay, oops these are my disappointed expectations, lol, but with such a sad start, a somewhat happy ending would have been nice to hear about. But I guess I can "rest in the reality" of not knowing every detail ... ;/ I guess..

  • Ridwan Firdaus
    Ridwan Firdaus Год назад

    This is my fave so far

  • Lipstick&Cement
    Lipstick&Cement Год назад +5

    So grateful for this talk. Utterly amazing.

  • Angel0Whispers
    Angel0Whispers Год назад +5

    Truly spoke to me, thank you. I'm glad I found this video, it's exactly what I needed. =')

  • Luna L
    Luna L Год назад +96

    "Expectations pull us out from the moment and hold us in an infinite loop of *false possibilities* "

    • Amelia Wojnicz
      Amelia Wojnicz 8 месяцев назад +2

      not all expectations are false. I am not a quitter. You just have to learn or recognize when it's time to let go...You can't give up without trying...and as long as I tried, I can walk away a better person knowing that at least I took the risk. We can't win all the time.

    • Jo
      Jo 8 месяцев назад

      But hy are these possibilities determined false? They could also be possibly true right?

  • Luna L
    Luna L Год назад +35

    "Expectation does not stop painful stuff from happening, it just blames it on somebody else"
    true that! :) Thank You for this talk!

  • Hemen Sarma
    Hemen Sarma Год назад +5

    Loving someone wholeheartedly without​ any expectations is possible, but I can tell you it's excruciatingly hard. Why would anyone want to do that..

  • Frau Ing
    Frau Ing Год назад +9

    I dunno. I have a hard time letting go the expectation of not being lied to and cheated on by husband. If that's unreasonable, so be it. Some expectations must be met if you want to be treated nicely.

    • russshh
      russshh 2 месяца назад

      Yess same (but just by my boyfriend)

    • Drake Drones
      Drake Drones 4 месяца назад +1

      Frau Ing it is not unreasonable! It’s a deliberate relationship where it is a minimum requirement! Loyalty and honesty are the foundations of a marriage!

  • Apple Girl
    Apple Girl Год назад

    need to watch this a few more time.. beautiful and inspirational.... thank you heather...

  • Uno Nano
    Uno Nano Год назад

    This is all taken from OSHO

  • CakeRevolution
    CakeRevolution Год назад

    so moving.

  • L G
    L G Год назад

    So beautiful omg

  • Karma sonam
    Karma sonam Год назад

    11:40 - 13:00, Inspirational words.

  • Joseph Budd
    Joseph Budd 2 года назад +11

    How is this one of the most unviewed videos??? Incredible presentation. *slow clap*

  • Helen Golovin
    Helen Golovin 2 года назад +29

    I really liked this talk.A few years ago I discovered a change in the way I thought about relationships. I stopped thinking about what they might do for me. Instead I started to think about what I could do for them. That change in me took place when my dog died. She was the one who taught me to think this way because I wanted absolutely nothing from her, I just wanted things FOR her. And when she was no longer around, I understood this also works for people. Only hope I had realized it sooner, I might have treated a lot of people much better.

    • Luna L
      Luna L Год назад +2

      Wow, the same happened to me! Death of my dog made me a completely different person,so humble and forgiving!
      Suddenly, I could understand everybody and where they are coming from, their perspective...This also opens doors for the love to come in (from the inside of us, not from the external world, which most people are _expecting_ to happen and usually are disappointed!) because as long as we are bitter and don't get what we 'expect' we are not able to feel the _true_ love, empowering kind..There should be a TED talk about that - how much we can learn from animals! Everybody should not just have a dog but spend a certain time alone with them, to get as close as possible to them. There is so much wisdom in animals and unfortunately most people spend their whole lives not discovering it...
      _Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened_ "

  • Darlene Baltazar
    Darlene Baltazar 2 года назад +11

    This is beautiful! Highly important stuff! I want to try her advice when I meet my dad later.

  • Jami Temple
    Jami Temple 3 года назад +29

    Your presentation gave me chills. Inspirationally, wonderful story and wonderfully presented!! Thank you for sharing!!!!

  • Rahul R Singh
    Rahul R Singh 3 года назад +95

    Awesome stuff... Expectations hold you back. We should never expect anything from a relationship we should do our part selflessly.. Because everyone's way of expression is different and may not match with our expectations
    This video needs more views

    • Eren
      Eren Месяц назад

      Ok cool but is it ok to feel that I’m putting all the work in the relationship and they are putting little to none into. Does it make it ok to stay with them ? Is it ok to feel as though they won’t want this as much as I do ? If I’m feeling the sense of happyness in a relationships due to how little time and effort they put in it. Is it ok to stay with that person??? I’m confused help

    • Shehzad Sadiq
      Shehzad Sadiq 2 месяца назад

      Awsome stuff

    • Drake Drones
      Drake Drones 7 месяцев назад


    • Otto Grant
      Otto Grant 8 месяцев назад

      rahul singh needs more views indeed

    • Manisha S
      Manisha S 11 месяцев назад

      rahul singh
      Actually 👍