Searching for love to escape ourselves | Hayley Quinn | TEDxUniversityofNevada

  • Опубликовано: 12 фев 2016
  • Love, sex and dating are often venerated as 'the ultimate goal of life'. However how much of our quest for love is about avoiding being with ourselves? About facing reality? About creating our own direction? And in running away from ourselves in love, do we ultimately avoid the work needed to return to selfhood that will actually bring us happiness.
    Hayley Quinn is the UK’s leading Dating Expert and has helped 100,000’s of men and women re-think their love lives.

    A graduate in English and Psychoanalysis from UCL Hayley set up her own company as a reaction to encountering the ‘pick up artist’ culture and working as a ghost writer for characters from the New York Times bestseller ‘The Game’.

    An advocate of real life dating skills she’s used her websites ([]), and her online member’s clubs to show people that there’s more to life than meeting someone than Tinder.

    She’s been a featured expert for numerous international TV shows and has had a Channel 4 Cutting Edge documentary ‘BiCurious Me’ based around her explorations into sexuality and relationships. She has also written for Cosmopolitan, the Independent, the Telegraph and regular provides social experiment vlogs to news sites.

    This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at

Комментарии • 1 033

  • Celso Henrique
    Celso Henrique 3 дня назад

    Hayley Quinn, You just have a new fan.

  • lizbeth navarrete
    lizbeth navarrete 5 дней назад

    Just what I needed to hear . I thought that I've always needed to have Someone there so I can be happy, so I can feel pretty. Complimenting me And no. When I dont have one. I feel at my entire worse. My happinnes shouldnt depend on no one. Now that I've heard what I need to do. I need to learn how to do it so. So anybody if can advice me on how to love my self. How to be happy and alone. I mean without that significant other. Or someone. If yall know what I mean.

  • Camila Menegale
    Camila Menegale 7 дней назад

    absolutely LOVED this ted talk

  • Kam Jaspal
    Kam Jaspal 10 дней назад

    Okay Hayley, now you've got that out of your system. Let's go on a date.

  • Deshir Thomas
    Deshir Thomas 11 дней назад

    You couldn’t have said it better.

  • Mark N.
    Mark N. 13 дней назад

    Years late but I needed to hear this.

  • Jamie Bautista
    Jamie Bautista 13 дней назад

    Go girl!!! Im celebrating my 1 year independence day from obsessive love, so glad I found this video at this time

  • Jeet Saaz
    Jeet Saaz 14 дней назад

    Wao. Human civilization! Let's go to mars.

  • Memory Rinehart
    Memory Rinehart 15 дней назад

    "She is happier if she abides as she is, after my judgment, and I think that I also have the Spirit of God."
    Paul didn't say this for nothing.
    The problem I've found is in finding someone after being alone for awhile and lonely, you fall from your routine and achieved contentment and become obsessed with the new relationship instead of the much needed caring for yourself.

  • BulletInAction
    BulletInAction 16 дней назад

    Never put anybody at the center of your universe other than yourself.

  • katie g
    katie g 18 дней назад

    She is so right, for years I have just been going from person to person so that when I am in bed I just think about them and am comforted, because I don't want to think about myself. Being alone is hard but you do need to find yourself because I've just been pinning my hopes and future on others, you need to make your own life about you, not somebody else

  • Steph
    Steph 18 дней назад


  • RM S
    RM S 19 дней назад

    Brahmacharya teaches so much.

  • Noneya Business
    Noneya Business 19 дней назад

    She has to be a Pisces ♓

  • Janice Castillo
    Janice Castillo 21 день назад

    This came at the right time for me, Thankyou for this

  • Fernanda Eloy
    Fernanda Eloy 21 день назад

    All codependents should see this. Marvelous!

  • Joanna Rose
    Joanna Rose 26 дней назад

    I know I’m a mess...I am actively working on it since the men i tend to fall for for treat me like dirt. No thanks! Lol I’ll date myself until I find what I settling for crumbs.

  • idconfirm
    idconfirm 27 дней назад

    sounds like Alain de Botton's "Essays in Love"

  • kylie Williams
    kylie Williams 27 дней назад


  • lindsey2leo
    lindsey2leo 28 дней назад

    I needed this shoot.

  • Nishi Hussein
    Nishi Hussein 29 дней назад

    very true we are scared of being alone and sometimes end up with the wrong person then, later on, we realize it is not what we were looking for but we still stay and compromise

  • arctic bliss
    arctic bliss Месяц назад

    I was going through a day of significant career crisis when it allowed me to look at my overal take of my life as it was. I decided that I wish to no longer just go with the flow of this half in half out relationship with very little hook ups but regular text dating, even though he lives about an hour's drive away. I pondered about what value does it mean for me and we all know when there is no value. In fact once I decided I do not want to chase men, nor spend my time wishing to be with them in order to feel gratified. In fact ,most of my time I was then hoping, waiting or being miserable from the relationship. Coaches advise to have your own interests too and not to be giving them too much of attention. Almost like, like the person secretly but not to show it. What game is this that you have to act out in order to have a relationship? I have to be either in or out. And out is a better option for it allows me to focus on my happiness, goals and purpose whilst not out there being played or going with the games people play in order to have a relationship. I now go with my own flow and it is so gratifying. I love it.

  • Jim Ben
    Jim Ben Месяц назад +1

    good talk, very few of us want to take accountability for our actions

  • Sophie Rowney
    Sophie Rowney Месяц назад

    Really well explained

  • Abdullah Rayhan
    Abdullah Rayhan Месяц назад +1

    Thanks god she is not Harley Quinn

  • Avery Adrian
    Avery Adrian Месяц назад

    Wow... that was true... inner peace is huge and it’s so beautiful... your inner life is key to living an authentic life...
    But how at peace we can be within depends on how loved we are so we are somewhat dependent upon others... but there is something within everyone a spark of ultimate consciousness a Spirit a love a presence - God that when we connect to it empowers us to live and to love and to give

  • fahim arko
    fahim arko Месяц назад

    I agree with her 100% .

  • pokemon gamer
    pokemon gamer Месяц назад

    first world problems.....sigh

  • Katelin Maree
    Katelin Maree Месяц назад

    Thank you so much for you speech, needed this

  • Marlenis Medina
    Marlenis Medina Месяц назад

    This was exactly what I needed to hear right now, thank you so much!

  • Matthew Ward
    Matthew Ward Месяц назад

    I don't understand how this is great public speaking. When 80% of the speech consist of personal anecdotes and trendy "oh our generation is so awkward" jokes which leave the audience unmoved, it's just tragic. The point she makes is valid, but the delivery was just painful to listen through, sorry.

  • Holly Conger
    Holly Conger Месяц назад +1


  • Even Geen Vlees
    Even Geen Vlees Месяц назад

    Love this! Except for the chicken soup... (vegan here) ;)

  • Igor Prokhorko Gevonshyr
    Igor Prokhorko Gevonshyr Месяц назад

    Bravo!!! This message is addressed to someone intellectual and sensitive, whose not willing to look at love definition like society told me to. She killed it. Thank you 🙏🏼

  • Bliss Full
    Bliss Full Месяц назад

    2yrs ago @taylorswift13 lets listen to this more, good thing your safe and sound now and happy with Joe I love you :)

  • Jasmine G
    Jasmine G Месяц назад


  • Kazi Islam
    Kazi Islam Месяц назад


  • Kaitlin Riedl
    Kaitlin Riedl Месяц назад

    This speaks to me. I am just like how she was. Serial monogany, love and attention to fix my childhood emotional neglect. I needed to hear this talk. Thank you

  • Sow was
    Sow was Месяц назад

    Relationships are just karmic debts anyway

  • Zahra Mohamed
    Zahra Mohamed Месяц назад

    Thank you so much am picking up the pieces to fix myself and stand alone to get me back. ..

  • amir perwaz
    amir perwaz Месяц назад

    1st world problems

  • Ronja Rasser
    Ronja Rasser Месяц назад

    I think there are so many things, that we use to distract ourselfs. It is not just love, it is also televison, books, drugs, parties .... I think the most important thing is that you are aware of the fact that we are running from ourselfs. That is the first step to come to the reality, to who we are. Once we are happy withoutself, that doesn't mean we need to fix everything or be perfect, but it means that we accept and love ourselfs and our feelings in a healthy way. Once we can love ourself we can have a healthy and balanced relationship.

  • LoveMe,com
    LoveMe,com Месяц назад +1

    I just learned that love isn't enough to have a good relationship. Better not jump in a relationship right away because life is not as easy as you expected.

  • Rafa KPR
    Rafa KPR Месяц назад +1

    i’m going to listen to this everyday

  • Ozz LB
    Ozz LB Месяц назад +2

    what a time to be alive

  • 闇龗Kurao
    闇龗Kurao Месяц назад

    around 10:42 It reminded me of Great Gatsby

  • Queen Of Youtube
    Queen Of Youtube Месяц назад +1

    SIS PREACH !! this girl is speaking nothing but truth god damn.

  • Toma M
    Toma M Месяц назад

    But what if what I want to be happy, is to love and be loved back? I don’t want to go on dates every evening. I just want one kind, compassioned guy, who loves me, accepts me, and understands me. That’s it. Is that too much?

    • Mountain path
      Mountain path Месяц назад

      Can I ask you a question? Do you love, accept and understand yourself? Because if you don't know it by now hear it from me. No man no-matter how handsome, wonderful and perfect he might be will ever love you more than you love yourself. What do I mean by that. Don't seek another to give you that which you don't give yourself. So often we fantasize about the ideal man, the Mr. Right, the perfect one that be just ideal for us. Here is the thing. Be ready to be dissapointed the person who you think will love you to the moon and back so often will disappoint you, make you feel unloved, abandoned and misunderstood. Why because majority of people out there think and believe and behave as if WHEN they meet that Mr. Right and Mr. Perfect that their lives will finally make sense, finally come together. That is a lie. Your life with a potential partner will be just as happy, peaceful and content as YOU are at this moment no-more, no-less. And in order not to give your power away don't make life about whether or not you have a man in your life. Making a human being the center of our Universe is not a good idea. Make your well-being the center of your Universe. Because when you are well and content you would notice that there is nothing lacking and above all you are in charge of yourself and you have the absolute freedom to be who you are. Don't make your happiness the responsibility of somebody else. We all tend to do that and it is unrealistic expectations from anyone. If you are feeling empty, sad, unhappy and less than whole and complete you will meet somebody who will be just as empty and unhappy and two emotionally bankrupt people can't make it work. So I have to say love, nurture and celebrate yourself right where you're don't think somebody else has the love you need, they never do. People will never give you what you are not giving yourself. You may meet somebody to temprorary make you feel special, loved, happy but if your happiness is conditional you will soon be back at square one. Love and care for yourself because my dear at times you will be alone and you will have to rely on your own strength and will power to get you through the tough times. And so make a promise to be there for the little girl inside you that is feeling, scared, unsure and doubtful and assure that little girl that everything is okay and that everything will be and is okay. And trust with all your heart that love exists and it is going to happen to you. But first love and love yourself and love your life and embrace yourself right where you are. Because whether or not we have a man in our lives or not we carry ourself for the rest of your wherever we go we take all of us along. Like in a marriage between two people who give vows to honor and love the other person we single people must give a vow to ourselves to be here, fully present, loving, caring and compassionate towards ourselves.., because I can tell you from personal experience if you don't honor and value youself nobody else can do it for us. And you deserve your own love and support. Asking for others to love you and be there for you when you are not there for yourself is the same thing as trying to purchase a loaf of bread on empty bank account. You will not be able to get the bread and your card will be declined or you will get the bread and your bank will charge you overdraft fee which is 5 times the price of the purchase. In the end you will learn trying to purchase a loaf of bread on empty bank account comes with a heavy price in the end. Same with love. You can't have love if you think somebody else has the love you need. Your sentence says: "Is it too much to want somebody to love me?" I was where you are now. I once had that incorrect perception that somebody else can love me and care for me and while I was focused on looking for that somebody else to love me I was not giving myself that love and care to ME. Only time a person can come to your life and add more love and hear me out I am saying ADD more is when you have mastered the art honoring, loving, caring and accepting yourself right where you are and cherishing yourself and honoring your body and staying focused to who you are. Go out and give joy and give love to those you encounter and make others feel good about themselves and oventually you will encounter the right for you partner but not because you are needy or desperate but because you have so much love and joy to give and most importantly because you love yourself and that is the key to love and peace.

  • Nana Finn
    Nana Finn Месяц назад +1

    I enjoy my loneliness. But after to have a person to have dinner and breakfast with, im addicted to it. Its really nice to have a company.

  • Annaleigh Andrews
    Annaleigh Andrews Месяц назад

    I needed to hear this. Thank you so so much

  • Alexia Fleres
    Alexia Fleres Месяц назад

    Nice one!

  • Tamara Ida
    Tamara Ida Месяц назад

    What this speaker went through was narcissistic abuse, idealization, devaluing and discarding. I absolutely think until you are not empty inside, we become blinded in someone who might be able to fill that emptiness. Or as she says we try to escape. Make sure you do take time to get to know your self and get well, we choose these people for reasons. Being alone is hard but if you become a decent human you can have genuine connections while only worrying and working on your self.

  • John Coffey
    John Coffey Месяц назад

    Truth and nothing more. Awesome !!!!!

  • CrazyGirlSanchari
    CrazyGirlSanchari Месяц назад

    It felt that, as if she is saying my story except that baby part. 😋

  • Abbrielle Rain
    Abbrielle Rain Месяц назад

    Started New Years taking my engagement ring back to my ex fiancé. I said some not nice things but the fact was, I kept fighting myself on my instincts. I knew we couldn’t work and would continue this toxic cycle of breaking up, being vindictive to one another, one of us threatening suicide and the other coming back and caving. We could have the time of our lives if we never left the bedroom and ignored our phones for a weekend but when it came to facing the real world together, we crumbled. We are two very insecure, broken individuals who need lots of therapy and who knows what else and though the chemistry was there, we just weren’t working, time and time again. As painful as it is to walk away from, I have a history of packed full of relationships exactly like this. I have a whole new year to continue being sober, getting my meds right, seeing my therapist and being single I deactivated and deleted all social media off my phone. No dating apps, nothing. Time to really do the work, learn who I am, love myself and heal.

  • Ama Fadilla
    Ama Fadilla Месяц назад

    true! self-romance should be normalized!

  • Mregduvf Fricsh dh
    Mregduvf Fricsh dh Месяц назад

    I am just like her past

  • Sebastian
    Sebastian Месяц назад

    What are the heck are ninja hero turtles?????

  • Doro bee
    Doro bee Месяц назад

    Hayley Quinn😮.. Harley Quinn.. aahh

  • Setsunako6587
    Setsunako6587 Месяц назад +2

    "The friends that were left were the good ones" 👏🏾💜👏🏾💜👍🏾! Now *that's* a happy ending 😄

  • Tonio9606
    Tonio9606 Месяц назад

    I've been single all my life and I'm already 27. Although I do hope I get to experience the feeling of love at least once in my life before I die! I've only ever dreamed of the day I meet that special girl and have been waiting patiently, but I'm starting to think it's not going to happen!

  • Sophie Navarro
    Sophie Navarro Месяц назад

    Beautiful message!

  • TylerMusicSandwich
    TylerMusicSandwich Месяц назад

    I'm definitely in the same boat. It's hard work at first, but it's so worth it. Trust me, a better and more fulfilling life awaits you at the end of the pain.

  • Tuğçe Günal
    Tuğçe Günal Месяц назад

    I learned lots of things from my last relationship. He was very harmful to me. He tried to be obstacle in front of my career and social environment (He was really jealous of me both from other men and my career. Because of my addiction to his love, I couldn't break up on time But he could(when I went for a traineeship abroad, at 8th March 2018 Women's day 😄 😊 Thanks to him Thanks God he went himself, First time It was so so hard to resilience, I cried everyday, I felt like I cannot breathe deeply, I woke up with the pain in my heart and whole body when realise he has gone but I miss too much. But I kept trying to be good again. I travelled by my bicyle in winter. It was an amazing experience I have ever had. In the mornings, I was outside I was fine, when I back inside I was cryin again 😅 Maybe it has taken for months to recover my wounds. Now I can breathe like I have one hundred lungs 😊 and I found myself I rediscovered. Now I learned what I dont want. I want to be with someone who is respectful to me and deserves me. Otherwise, even if I love too much It won't important for me. Because I love myself more than anyoneelse can. I'm happy with myself If a person who deserves it I can share it and let him to contribute. But I wont let someone who will take this happiness away, and consume me. No no please 🙇

  • Stephanie
    Stephanie Месяц назад +1

    This is astounding and changed my life!

  • Jennifer Chiarle
    Jennifer Chiarle Месяц назад

    You are not alone... Wonderful 😊

  • nour newlife
    nour newlife Месяц назад

    Amazing , this is the way how I think now

  • Charlie Castillo
    Charlie Castillo Месяц назад +1

    I’m a hopeless romantic 4th year university student who has never dated anyone, so this talk hit me especially hard. Great advice that was much needed!

  • Denis Araujo
    Denis Araujo Месяц назад

    OMG, I need it translated to Portuguese to show to all my friends...

  • KanchoKomancho
    KanchoKomancho Месяц назад

    So you’ve been burned?

  • Romy RoLou
    Romy RoLou Месяц назад

    awesome speech

  • What Do You Say
    What Do You Say Месяц назад

    “On the floor that day, I did have someone. I had myself.” 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

  • JT
    JT Месяц назад

    This is exactly where I am in my life, I am truly enjoying and relishing being single...for years I never thought I could do it, but now I see the beauty and value of being by yourself and enjoying your own company 🥰🥰🥰

  • Kristina Sikoraiova
    Kristina Sikoraiova Месяц назад

    I needed to hear this sooo much, thank you

  • Ceza
    Ceza Месяц назад

    this is such a good ted talk !

  • Learn & Grow with Ann
    Learn & Grow with Ann Месяц назад

    Epic message, thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!

  • Alba Calderón
    Alba Calderón Месяц назад

    Please, translate to spanish.

  • Erin Laemmle
    Erin Laemmle Месяц назад

    You need to know guys more if your going to be dating them! 🙄Not yourself! Unless your dating yourself! But of course know yourself first that’s just called maturity duh!

  • Jean-Francois Simard
    Jean-Francois Simard Месяц назад


  • Yetnesh Dubey
    Yetnesh Dubey Месяц назад

    A girl named Hayley Quinn, who likes chaotic relationship. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

  • Random Acts
    Random Acts Месяц назад

    thank God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • scenepunk09
    scenepunk09 Месяц назад

    I'm sorry but this dress just does not flatter and otherwise beautiful person.

  • hedwig041
    hedwig041 Месяц назад

    I grew up with an emotionally and mentally abusive father and I think that’s naturally made me very afraid of close romantic relationships with men, but there’s still a part of me that wants to be with a man who will heal that part of me, and who will sweep me off my feet and who will tell me and show me that he loves me and will never hurt me like I’ve been hurt in the past. I’ve never thought about it so clearly before, nor have I ever understood how unfair it is to place that kind of expectation and responsibility on someone. And I think I do that because I’ve never been able to emotionally lean on a man before, and I want a man to show me that I can depend on a man for support when I need it, and the most significant possible way that I can think of for him to do that is to heal this deep deep hurt that I have. I’m 23 now and only really had one relationship in high school, and I’ve never had this much clarity before in my entire life. I’ve been in therapy for anxiety before, and even then, it’s not the therapist who heals you. They give you the tools and the knowledge and the support to heal yourself.
    So now to the self healing!

  • milomazli
    milomazli 2 месяца назад

    Amazing talk

  • n eye
    n eye 2 месяца назад +1

    Ladies. See what happens when you choose the exciting bad boy over the decent man? Ha!

  • Krisztina K.
    Krisztina K. 2 месяца назад

    Thank You! My last boyfriend dumped me Christmas eve 2016. For almost 2 whole years I wasn't dating, was sitting at home reading...etc. During this time everybody told me that I must go out, must meet people, I would go crazy by myself. And although I was ok with being by myslef, I started to feel that indeed I must be crayz, because I did not need people... now I've been dating again for a few months but I wish I had spent that nearly two years not feeling bad about myself because I did not want to be with people. So thank you Hayley for making it ok, at least I know I was not crazy...

  • Arda Agaik
    Arda Agaik 2 месяца назад

    Nefore I watch the video, was her father a comic book fan by ANY chance?

  • akash kashyap
    akash kashyap 2 месяца назад

    Am mechanical engineer God authorized single

  • Sasaki Umiquema
    Sasaki Umiquema 2 месяца назад +1

    This is true

  • هبة الله
    هبة الله 2 месяца назад

    Thank you so much ! I really needed to hear those words ❤️

  • Athvna
    Athvna 2 месяца назад

    “I think that sometimes when you’re focusing on that perfect romance, you’re not actually doing the real work to fix the stuff that’s stopping you from becoming happy”

  • Josephine H
    Josephine H 2 месяца назад

    I do see a shadow of myself in her life. I wish I could see this ted talk sooner! Anyway, 6 months cold turkey, here I go :)

  • Rivka Shalom
    Rivka Shalom 2 месяца назад

    wonderful :)

  • Pretty Poison
    Pretty Poison 2 месяца назад

    Thank you Hayley for this speech. I've realized a lot. As much as it hurts saying this... I don't need a boy to complete me. I decided to let go of the relationship that will never work... No matter how hard I try to make it work... No matter how perfect he was... There was nothing to love about him, there was nothing about me he could love. He was destructive, and I was toxic. I did see a shadow of my story in Hayley's life. And although I would love to "just be..", I will accept that time is key, and work on myself until whoever comes along. I hope to keep this mentality of whatever happens happens, with the thought of my own needs in mind, such as planning for my future based on what I want, and adjusting to anyone else accordingly. I do have a hard time looking and reflecting back on my past, but I will work on my needs right now and live in the present. I can't believe that there's nothing wrong with being a single girl. I used to think that being single makes me less valuable. But what makes me more valuable is the fact that I've taken the time to distance myself from pursuing any relationships, and worked on myself.

  • hassan nooree
    hassan nooree 2 месяца назад

    good evening how was everything friend! @786vendaskam

  • Hnin Oo Wai
    Hnin Oo Wai 2 месяца назад

    loving other people is the act of escapism instead of confronting self

  • G V
    G V 2 месяца назад

    is exactly what I say, before you can meet someone else, you need to be alone, but it does not mean that once u already did it, you are ready for a relationship, because you never end up knowing yourself, you always are in change, in transformation, sometimes you may like someone or something and then stop liking anymore o not. And, it is fine, is a process, and you have to deal with it. If you feel ready, go ahead!, if you don´t, fix yourself but don't deny yourself the idea of a romance because you are never totally prepared for it. The idea is to give yourself to love but never losing yourself, be with someone but not belong to someone

  • Bonor M Ayambem
    Bonor M Ayambem 2 месяца назад +1

    She's so extra😂😂

  • Anna B Tsa'toke
    Anna B Tsa'toke 2 месяца назад +1

    Very well communicated...excellent. LOL... I loved the content and think we all get to this place... when settling at life is not our idea of being of living, this is where we go when we keep asking questions to better love ourselves, life and others....

  • Ben Tufte
    Ben Tufte 2 месяца назад

    I think that this talk only scratches the surface of introspection