Frientimacy: The 3 Requirements of All Healthy Friendships | Shasta Nelson | TEDxLaSierraUniversity

  • Опубликовано: 15 дек 2017
  • Our world is getting "better" at connecting us and yet we're reporting feeling more disconnected than ever. The issue: loneliness. The solution: understanding the 3 actions that lead to belonging. Shasta Nelson is passionate about all things friendship. As founder and CEO of the female-friendship learning community-she speaks and writes regularly on this important topic.
    She is the author of two books: Friendships Don’t Just Happen! The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of Girl- Friends and Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness. Her spirited and soulful voice can also be read at Shasta’s Friendship Blog and in her relationship health column in The Huffington Post.
    She’s been interviewed on the Today show, Katie Couric’s show Katie, The Early Show, and on Fox Extra. She’s been consulted on friendship matters by writers and reporters from such magazines as Cosmopolitan, More, Real Simple, Redbook, and Good Housekeeping, and from such newspapers as The New York Times, Chicago Tribune, and the San Francisco Chronicle. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at

Комментарии • 165

  • Stay Honey
    Stay Honey День назад

    What are you supposed to do if you don’t feel loved?

  • jbird Perez
    jbird Perez 2 дня назад

    big like.....mmmmmsexy very much alive!

  • Christine Davidson
    Christine Davidson 5 дней назад

    I know why so many of my friendships didn't work out now, it didn't start with positivity. I would bond with others based on the opposite, negativity, or trauma bonding. It is so important to have a good positive relationship with yourself first so that future friendships can build properly by starting with the first requirement: positivity. Thank you Shasta 🌻

  • Vixinaful
    Vixinaful 11 дней назад

    She sounds increeibly egotistical. And should fix her thighs..Its cellulite city!

  • Jaclyn H
    Jaclyn H 17 дней назад

    Brilliant Video I believe everyone would benefit from watching.

  • Nali Liu
    Nali Liu 24 дня назад

    I LOVE THIS! WELL SAID! I need to work on bettering my friendships by building positivity, consistency, & vulnerability.

  • Galaxy
    Galaxy 29 дней назад

    So, vulnerability is actually them getting to know you. I'm not really sure "vulnerability" would be the right name for the category...

  • britt cyra
    britt cyra Месяц назад

    Yeah i recently found out one of my "best friends" really isnt my best friends. Ive shared exstremely private intimate things with her.. But she wont with me.. So im done ill put in a casual category now. Done sharing w people that dont with me..

  • AraZemiJo
    AraZemiJo Месяц назад

    10:09 well shoot, then I'm screwed

  • Jason S
    Jason S Месяц назад

    She had to rush to catch a flight home. The way in which you communicate really matters to friendship maintenance. you can't talk so fast.

  • claud 29
    claud 29 Месяц назад

    So it's just like a romantic relationship without the romance?..hopefully you like your friends. Takes awhile to find out who people are and if they like your personality.

  • Andreas Landgren
    Andreas Landgren Месяц назад

    So this is why i quit most friendships

  • Rachel Lynn Gordy
    Rachel Lynn Gordy Месяц назад

    So true! Wonderful Ted Talk!

  • Hans Hoerdemann
    Hans Hoerdemann Месяц назад

    What's with those shoes?!

  • Lexie02 Jones
    Lexie02 Jones Месяц назад +1

    You’re The BoMB 💣!! Thank you so much for this video!! I needed this!!

  • Gratitude
    Gratitude 2 месяца назад

    Great talk !
    I am feeling lonely in my relationship. He has no time for me for all the 3 cardinal relationship/ friendship key points. After I heard this I sent him a text pertaining to this . Waiting for response.

  • peapotter3
    peapotter3 2 месяца назад

    As I grow older, having a meaningful relationship with my friends is much more important than partying with them. Of course it is always fun to have fun, but there is no substitute for one-on-one time together.

  • Jacquelyn Haley
    Jacquelyn Haley 2 месяца назад +1

    Beautiful! Shasta that was one of the best Ted Talks I have seen

  • Fat Octopus
    Fat Octopus 2 месяца назад +1

    Personally, I find the lack of time commitment to be the biggest friendship killer. The glorification of busy has reduced most of my friendships to merely "friendly acquaintances." Strangely enough, these "frientances" usually lack neither positivity nor vulnerability; most likely because we're so starved for validation. It's all about knowing who talks to you in their free time, or who takes the time to talk to you. In the end; however, we usually find ourselves sitting on a two-legged chair, simply because sometimes it's better than nothing at all.

  • bintelly
    bintelly 2 месяца назад

    But complaining feels so good - what about positivity is fun? Hearing how awesome other people are and how perfect their lives are doesn't feel good. Listening to people brag about themselves is boring and makes them seem terribly insecure.

  • Erin Laemmle
    Erin Laemmle 2 месяца назад

    Very loud!

  • Vasanthapriya Rajkumar
    Vasanthapriya Rajkumar 3 месяца назад

    This changed a lot of my thinking. Thank you!

  • John Concepcion
    John Concepcion 3 месяца назад

    great execution of ideas

  • idk
    idk 3 месяца назад +12

    I’ve always had a difficult time finding real friends, people who genuinely cared about me, etc. I always had the superficial type of friends, like it was nothing genuine. until this year, I met this guy who i feel like is a brother to me and honestly, it’s probably the most genuine and loving friendship I ever had. I feel comfortable enough with him to tell him my biggest secrets, I trust him so much I can’t even put it into words and he’s the same with me, he has shared things with me that he doesn’t dare telling anyone else and idk, we’re always supporting each other and wanting each other to do great in life, it’s just such a nice feeling, having a real friend lol.

    • Justice M.
      Justice M. Месяц назад

      Yes, be cautious...but on the flip side, don't be overly suspicious. Believe it or not, there are guys in existence who will be a friend to a girl without expecting anything else out of it. I’m blessed enough to have a male friend a lot like yours, and I know for a fact I am not (and have never been) on his lust radar (our level of vulnerability is such that we talked about this early on). Which makes the amount of effort he’s put into being a great friend just astounding. Be prudent and don't ignore red flags, but it is quite possible you’ve found a true friend.

    • Buffy Kerestan
      Buffy Kerestan 2 месяца назад

      Be cautious from somebody who has been there, he might have fuckzoned you. If he asks you out and you say no and he suddenly doesnt want to be friends anymore, dont say you havent been warned.

  • Mary B
    Mary B 3 месяца назад +1

    The cure for addiction is not sobriety- it’s connectedness... maybe that’s why Meetings help? Food for thought...

  • Ka Er
    Ka Er 3 месяца назад

    Well, my "friends"...
    thats all you need to know to understand what I mean..

  • Rarity Crystal
    Rarity Crystal 3 месяца назад

    I got a story and it's actually true between me and one of my friend or so I used to called her bestie
    It happened a few months ago we entered a competition we on the same team with another student and my mentor . She was so awesome she's more beautiful she's more intelligent but... Last weekend I cried , she told be along time that there will be some amazing interviews about all of us as a team but then she end up choosing to only 'ONLY' her being interviewed ...I was broken I came back home crying inside the room thinking I though we going to do this together this wasnt the first time she tried to "push me into a car" 😔😔😔😔I trusted her , and now I'm suspicious that my long distance lover actually cheating on me and chatting with her ....

  • Ms.FitVegan
    Ms.FitVegan 3 месяца назад


  • Erin Mary
    Erin Mary 4 месяца назад

    Hit the thumbs up on my comment if you're a therapist watching this vid

  • Anna Mather
    Anna Mather 4 месяца назад

    health stuff relating to loneliness! YES! I could feel my life seeping away! I was dead! I was cold! I couldn't feel touch!

  • Chatoyancify
    Chatoyancify 4 месяца назад +10

    First, part 2 of her speech would address the sad gender difference. Women have an easier time sharing vulnerability than men. What can we do to help? Second, we cannot demand a deepening of friendship by following her suggestions because friendship chemistry does exist. Different people will satisfy different needs according to their context and personality. Perhaps one friend can listen to your emotional concerns much more effectively than the one who can respond to your detailed plan on changing your major or career. Pay attention to who people are, the time they have, the skill they have. Don't write off someone because they're not satisfying everything. No one can.

  • SirMalker
    SirMalker 4 месяца назад +1

    No, the answer is getting closer to who you really are. As long as you try to live in a superficial removed way, then all your relationships will be as such.

    • Chatoyancify
      Chatoyancify 4 месяца назад

      Many people need friendships to lead them to the skill of self-reflection. Few have the natural ability and/or motivation to do it on their own.

  • Germaine Ir
    Germaine Ir 4 месяца назад


  • ashley arias
    ashley arias 4 месяца назад

    There is no solution. Any time you make plans with someone or try to reach out to connect they ghost you or fail to show up. You can't connect and build friendships and trust when the other person never shows up.

      ELIJAHXWILLIAMS 4 месяца назад

      ash ari I think that’s someone who’s an occasional friend or that school friend you see from time to time. There’s friends for EVERY environment

  • Karen Brent
    Karen Brent 4 месяца назад

    aseame vid

  • Pia Love
    Pia Love 4 месяца назад

    I have people forcing their unmet need for friendships and relationships on me. I needed to watch a video to remind me that a better choice exists.

  • Pazzie Anne Knexx
    Pazzie Anne Knexx 4 месяца назад

    I am constantly vulnerable but remain in a loop of toxic friendships. :/

    • Pazzie Anne Knexx
      Pazzie Anne Knexx 3 месяца назад +1

      +OperaEagle IcelynLacelettThank you.

    • OperaEagle IcelynLacelett
      OperaEagle IcelynLacelett 3 месяца назад

      You need reciprocation. I hope you get what you need to be emotionally healthy :)

  • seeker
    seeker 4 месяца назад

    SOOOOOO TRUE!!!! I AM SOOO GRATEFUL FOR YOUR WORK!!!!! Have you heard of Teal Swan? Eva, Belgium

  • Water Ski Lake Austin
    Water Ski Lake Austin 4 месяца назад +1

    Well done!

  • Sonia Helen Ponce
    Sonia Helen Ponce 4 месяца назад +4

    This is the most amazing thing I've listened to all day!

  • Ruskie
    Ruskie 5 месяцев назад

    Express yourself

  • 1LaOriental
    1LaOriental 5 месяцев назад +94

    Another huge problem is female competition. Women are great at covert aggression. I have lost many so-called friends due to jealousy 😒

    • suleiny beltre
      suleiny beltre 2 месяца назад +2

      This is so true . It’s so sad . I’ve lost so many friends and it wasn’t due to jealousy but just nastiness . Competitiveness and wanting to succeed over me. I haven’t been perfect either. But there is so much negativity amongst women . I hope this changes

    • Pam England
      Pam England 2 месяца назад

      And sadly it’s SO Single White Female that it’s scary to break away from!

    • Ladyinred Love
      Ladyinred Love 3 месяца назад +1

      You are so right

  • 1LaOriental
    1LaOriental 5 месяцев назад +7

    What about reciprocity??

    • OperaEagle IcelynLacelett
      OperaEagle IcelynLacelett 3 месяца назад

      That's convered under positivity, or both people being seen. But it's definitely v important.

  • Otilia Dragan
    Otilia Dragan 5 месяцев назад +8

    Yes okay but some people actually don’t care 🙃 and you deserve better if they never care

  • Kartos
    Kartos 5 месяцев назад +37

    Sadly this is hard to achieve when so many people are like, 'oh sorry I blatantly ignored you for days, I'm just an introvert tehehe'

    • Ankur Gedam
      Ankur Gedam 8 дней назад

      thats not how introversion works. if they ignore you they dont care about you. introversion or extroversion got nothing to do with it.

    • Chatoyancify
      Chatoyancify 4 месяца назад +2

      Some people are overwhelmed by the emotions of others, and even their own. They don't know how to cope themselves, let alone comfort someone else. Often it's due to ignorance, lack of practice, but also sometimes mental deficiencies. I have relatives in the latter camp with varying levels of empathy limitations. When you come across someone who does not love you as you would like them to, you can either give them the chance to do so next time by telling them what you need or choose not to rely on them for this type of care, but do understand that we all come with context.

    • ashley arias
      ashley arias 4 месяца назад +2

      We’re talking about people who think it’s ok to treat people who are supposedly your good friends like 💩 because it’s inconvenient for them to be a decent human being and think saying they are an introvert excuses their a-hole treatment of others.

    • Wandering In The Woods
      Wandering In The Woods 4 месяца назад +5

      Some people are introverted due to how they were brought up, such as social isolation which makes it difficult to understand relationships. They seem difficult to understand, but if you were to imagine yourself being ignored and being separated for most of your life, you too would probably be conditioned to think the way of an introvert; finding people annoying, not understanding your own social value which has been treated as nothing for most of their life. If it's treated as nothing, then why even bother to exercise it? Why work out a muscle that you haven't ever used, and that people don't value?
      I'd try to be understanding and patient, this also ties into the vulnerability aspect of things where life stories matter...but it's hard to get that out of people. There should be a guide as to "when and how vulnerability should come about" without being a push over or nosy, but sometimes people are simply lazy and don't care for others. If it isn't laziness, then it's an actual mental block which is something they struggle heavily to fight against. Patience and guidance can work, but only if you're willing to put fourth that effort.
      Not everyone should do this though, if you don't see the point in it then I would try to focus on other relationships in the time being as well as self reliance, see if they reach out to you. Maybe one day you'll want to try again but if you're going through a lot, then clearly this person isn't the one to go to. And nothing beats professional help. I also hope that person seeks it and finds a way to learn to trust and open up to other people...opening up doesn't only mean you will receive support, it also means that you will give away support. Anyway sorry for the ramble, just trying to show what it might be from another introvert's perspective, take it however you wish or dont at all.

    • ashley arias
      ashley arias 4 месяца назад +2

      Thank you so much! I thought I was the only one that happened to. I had somebody I thought was a close friend who did that to me when I was in a big crisis, crying, not wanting to keep on in my life kind of stuff. I just needed someone to care and sit with me while I was trying to make it through. That former friend did, word for word, exactly what you mentioned.

  • Jackie Jacks
    Jackie Jacks 5 месяцев назад +2

    Vulnerability is what runs people in the opposite direction. Unless you have the EXACT problem as them. I am nearly 60. I have EXPERIENCE.

  • Jackie Jacks
    Jackie Jacks 5 месяцев назад +1

    I guess I'm gonna die young

  • Manoranjan Nayak
    Manoranjan Nayak 5 месяцев назад

    I need a fire.......

  • Lucie Bourdouxhe
    Lucie Bourdouxhe 5 месяцев назад +71

    The three requirements:

  • Mandy Makhumalo
    Mandy Makhumalo 5 месяцев назад +1

    Love it!

  • Eileen MacDougall
    Eileen MacDougall 5 месяцев назад +1

    Excellent TED talk. Excellent information, thank you.

  • Sarah Dittmann
    Sarah Dittmann 5 месяцев назад

    I got the top of my triangle in two months!

  • The Maverick Historian
    The Maverick Historian 5 месяцев назад +9

    Huh, never really thought about the quality of my friendships. I think about so many different aspects of health and happiness, including romantic relationships, but I've put zero effort into understanding what makes for awesome friendships and purposely seeking them out and/or building them.
    However, it's probably the most important aspect of a happy life before you meet your lifelong partner, and even then it remains extremely important to your happiness and you could even argue it's just as important! If you are in love with your life partner, but don't have any awesome friendships, well, that's pretty sad. You may not even find or attract a great women in your life without some amazing friends and an array of diverse and valuable social circles. Not to mention your friendships can either be extremely beneficial to your marriage/relationship or extremely detrimental.
    I need to put more time aside into focusing on finding and developing awesome friendships and several large and valuable social circles.

  • Shasta C Henry
    Shasta C Henry 5 месяцев назад +3

    WOW! this was an excellently delivered and excellently interesting talk. I love the connection between the science and the feelings.

  • LightOn Stillwaters
    LightOn Stillwaters 5 месяцев назад

    Thanks for prompting and reminding me to share this meaningful talk with others The Horseback Heroine. Will do so more. (Couldn't reply to you b/c t Reply text box is typing my words Left to Right, so it came out jumbled).

  • haikaz stephan
    haikaz stephan 5 месяцев назад

    People need to learn how to be their own best friend. Especially as you age, you know yourself and you really need less people.

    • Jackie Jacks
      Jackie Jacks 5 месяцев назад +1

      haikaz stephan well at's good to be able to entertain oneself however the bitter pill is not being able to share how great it was to be able to entertain oneself with even one other person. It's like I loved that picture I drew but there is no one to look at it and say wow.

  • TheHurt Fan
    TheHurt Fan 6 месяцев назад +7

    So the so-called 'hermits' don't matter? Pffs

  • ana ML
    ana ML 6 месяцев назад +10

    How do you know who to trust and be vulnerable most if the time people use it against me and become the bullies of my daily life. Yes I am negative today😂

    • craz4jaymz
      craz4jaymz 2 месяца назад

      +Pink Puffin i absolutely agree. This insistence of being vulnerable with every friend is dangerous. Not everyone can handle it or even want to. You have to open your eyes to what the person actually is and not who you want them to be. Only then will you be able to pick the person who would be able to support you emotionally

    • MimAesthetic
      MimAesthetic 4 месяца назад +4

      ana ML open up slowly and consciously, never to acquaintances or associates, if you have things in common and are hitting it off, share a bit of yourself that's a little bit deeper than what you'd tell a stranger, observe what they do with your secret, not everyone deserves to have so much knowledge about you. To make friends you have to be vulnerable they say, but there are different levels of vulnerability and giving away your life secrets to a stranger or someone you think is a friend without thinking about what they've done with the little things you said to them is not a good idea.

    • Pink Puffin
      Pink Puffin 5 месяцев назад +1

      ana ML Think about protecting your inner life like you would your house and possessions. Would you give just anyone the keys to your house if you weren't home? They try to make us believe in pop culture we have to be emotionally open to everyone, but that just makes us vulnerable to emotional con artists. Treat your inner secrets and life the way you would your bank savings

  • Daryl Dela Cruz
    Daryl Dela Cruz 6 месяцев назад +3

    Beautiful talk :)

  • AntaA
    AntaA 6 месяцев назад +106

    That sharing story was the story of my life. Always facilitating meet ups, birthday surprises... always listening to troubles, but no one ever listened to me.
    Last week while on holidays with my ''5 best friends'', when I finally confronted them (after 10 years of friendship) about not ever bringing me a birthday cake or even a small present on my birthday, they all thought I was being irrational, loud and frankly half of them didn't remember they were at my party... true fact, one of them looked at me and said I acted like a beggar, asking for attention...
    Long story short, I came back from holidays with a new outlook on life and relationships... needless to say I haven't called anyone and they haven't been in touch ever since... probably they don't remember any of this happened... oh well! At least, as weird as it sounds, I'm lighter at my feet. We'll see what the future holds!

    • Katrina Blackwood
      Katrina Blackwood 4 дня назад +1

      I always end up with friends like these but these are the only friends I have so I end up alone :/

    • Nali Liu
      Nali Liu 24 дня назад +1

      They are fake friends and don't deserve your friendship. They may not care about you.

    • suleiny beltre
      suleiny beltre 2 месяца назад +1

      This has happened to me while growing up . I’m always there to listen , always willing to understand . Always lending an ear . No one has yet to return the favor .

  • Phoenix Foyle
    Phoenix Foyle 6 месяцев назад +1

    Wow amazing! Thank You!

  • Daniel
    Daniel 6 месяцев назад +2

    I found the positivity bit especially helpful... thank you

  • LightOn Stillwaters
    LightOn Stillwaters 6 месяцев назад +77

    This TALK deserves a million more views, at the very least!

  • quartytypo
    quartytypo 6 месяцев назад +13

    Someone said somewhere that a friend is someone who hasn't figured out how to get something from you

  • Kameshia Smith
    Kameshia Smith 6 месяцев назад +15

    Wow.... Hit the nail on the head. Frientimacy.

  • Ca Bo
    Ca Bo 7 месяцев назад +17

    I see how these 3 principals are necessary however my problem is trust. Without trust there won't be much consistency or vulnerability shared.

    • Ronwise Gamgee
      Ronwise Gamgee 2 месяца назад +1

      Is trust a problem for you because you're afraid of getting hurt or taken advantage of? You need to do the courageous thing and put yourself out there: apply the "go first" principle. Share stories of times where you were vulnerable or where you relate to the other person. Also, don't judge or try to fix or give people instructions. Just listen and relate.

    • Bunmi Sowunmi
      Bunmi Sowunmi 5 месяцев назад +3

      Ca Bo consistency builds vulnerability which builds trust

  • Maturity is earned
    Maturity is earned 7 месяцев назад +2

    Why do public speakers come off as histrionic unless they are doubting the content? Maybe her friends jacked the conversation because they couldn’t get it back if she began?

  • hope in freedom
    hope in freedom 7 месяцев назад +4


    • Jackie Jacks
      Jackie Jacks 5 месяцев назад

      hope in freedom no truer words have ever been spoken!

  • hope in freedom
    hope in freedom 7 месяцев назад +96

    What's missing is trust, the moment you can no longer trust a person , with your your feelings, your insecurities, and they don't respect that, then, not a trusted friend, put them in the categories of associate . Actions are stronger than, words. You can forget what a person says, but you can never forget how they made you feel. Right there are your decision makers.

  • MrWillibaldvongluck1
    MrWillibaldvongluck1 7 месяцев назад +2

    I would feel much less lonely if Shasta would sit on my face. But I imagine she wouldn't need a human stool...

    • MrWillibaldvongluck1
      MrWillibaldvongluck1 5 месяцев назад

      +Jackie Jacks funny you should say that. I have a therapist. I'm not sure that's a solution though. But why do you think that would be of use to me?

    • Jackie Jacks
      Jackie Jacks 5 месяцев назад +1

      MrWillibaldvongluck1 ick you need a therapist.

  • Emmanuel Osei
    Emmanuel Osei 7 месяцев назад +1


  • Monica Pignotti
    Monica Pignotti 7 месяцев назад +1

    Epidemic? Sounds like one of your own creation, Shasta and others with vested interests. Say you're not lonely? Well Shasta knows better about you than you do about yourself. "Loneliness" is the latest moral panic. I call BS. You're creating ridiculous expectations. Some people are just bottomless pits. How many times did she say "vulnerability" and "positivity" - very annoying repetition of words that have become meaningless catch phrases. Maybe expand your vocabulary, Shasta, find other words than the most popular ones in the self help literature.

    • Ann C
      Ann C 7 месяцев назад +5

      Monica Pignotti quite honestly, what she is saying about what it takes to build friendships is timeless. It’s true in my generation and also in my mom’s (who’s 88). It’s not like previous generations were all perfect friends; if they were, they’ve done a terrible job teaching us.

    • Junya_Undercover
      Junya_Undercover 7 месяцев назад +5

      Ann C I agree with you. I think our modern way of living is also contributing to the issue at hand here. I would imagine that one hundred, two hundred years ago, I would be born in a village, at most a small city (nothing on the scales of the ones that we're used to know now), and that's where I would grow up, live, marry and probably die. Although modern life creates for us an endless number of possibilities and opportunities of where, what, when and how, it also cuts down on and sadly dilutes the strength of the connections we have to each other. We don't have a community and a circle of people that we know for decades on end nowadays, whom we can see easily. In such a way, human connections are less strong, intimate and stable. Not to mention that there seems to be a huge trend for identifying 'toxic' friendships, which while I agree that there are relationships that probably everyone in life encounters at one point or another that they'd be better off without, the gist that I get from these sort of discussions seem to be that it's much easier to cut out or abandon a friend who may be in personal trouble, than it is to do your best to support them, whilst taking care of yourself of course, for when they have too many problems or too many needs, the relationship has turned 'toxic'. Yet I don't know anyone who wouldn't go through some really tough and trying periods in their lives around betrayal, loss, divorce etc., where their needs will be significantly great for some period of time, not to mention everyone has flaws and negative qualities. I'm sure feeling like we should remove 'toxic' friendships rather than be there for our friends surely only adds to the uncertainty that we individually feel about our friends, and about ourselves and whether we're being good enough friends to them in return.

    • Frank Johnson
      Frank Johnson 7 месяцев назад

      Monica Pignotti go get her babe

    • Ann C
      Ann C 7 месяцев назад +4

      Monica Pignotti I think when you’re creating a relationship triangle, you need to say the actual words that define the triangle more than once. Deal with it. Or don’t.
      And loneliness is certainly not new, but our sensitivity to it is stronger, I agree. Mostly I think because advances in science and technology give us more data that make it easier to measure and therefore gauge its importance.
      I don’t think this woman is trying to tell me new things fwiw; I think she’s reinforcing what we already know, which is that we’re social animals who love and need each other, and that if you are generous with your love, your time, and your positivity, it strengthens you & the relationship. Nobody said it was easy, though. What she’s saying is that it’s worth it.

  • raleighman3000
    raleighman3000 7 месяцев назад +34

    Would love to be HER friend, am I right?

  • Grace Be
    Grace Be 7 месяцев назад +55

    In the chance that you encounter a friend that turns out to be a narcissistic psychopath, they WILL use your ‘vulnerabilities’ AGAINST you. This makes it extremely hard to be ‘vulnerable’ to other’s in future relationships.

    • suleiny beltre
      suleiny beltre 2 месяца назад

      There isn’t positivity there then .

    • Christina Harrington
      Christina Harrington 3 месяца назад +1

      Yup, and NPD's can hide their traits for years before taking advantage of you.

    • Pink Puffin
      Pink Puffin 5 месяцев назад +15

      Friends need to earn your trust and openness. Being emotionally vulnerable to an untested friend is like giving out the pin code to your bank card at a party, and thinking no one is going to steal your wallet

  • Holly von Dross
    Holly von Dross 7 месяцев назад +2

    She is a shy person. The problem is hers.

    • Permission To Exist
      Permission To Exist 7 месяцев назад +5

      Holly von Dross No, she’s just not a narcissist.

  • Smriti Tikoo
    Smriti Tikoo 8 месяцев назад +5

    What if we try to give all 3 but the resultant isn't in our favour . I have had many friends but none of them could withstand the triangle and stick for a long haul .

  • Vlada Tkachenko
    Vlada Tkachenko 8 месяцев назад +2

    Absolutely delusional speech and probably useless book. The whole American society is built and teaching from early age to push your closest people, to compete, to write denunciations about your friend, neighbor or parent. Schools would be the best to start to teach relationships, but look who are the teachers?

    • Vlada Tkachenko
      Vlada Tkachenko 5 месяцев назад

      What it has to do with the topic?

    • Ann C
      Ann C 7 месяцев назад +2

      Vlada Tkachenko I agree that a lot of people feel good when they feel they’re at the top of something; when it’s in comparison to something or someone else. This doesn’t make this talk or the book delusional. Far from it.

    • raleighman3000
      raleighman3000 7 месяцев назад +3

      Vlada Tkachenko lol. Are you even American?

  • Binh Nguyen
    Binh Nguyen 8 месяцев назад

    Very good! Can we be friends?

  • Selena Ivanovic
    Selena Ivanovic 8 месяцев назад +11

    I need a friend...

  • Karen M. Diefenbach
    Karen M. Diefenbach 8 месяцев назад +6


  • Lokeshwari Bobbili
    Lokeshwari Bobbili 8 месяцев назад +1

    i dont want to miss my frnds jsnle

  • tony godden
    tony godden 8 месяцев назад

    Delightfully funny, hopelessley naife, enjoyed it.

  • Jenessa M. Hernandez
    Jenessa M. Hernandez 8 месяцев назад +49

    Wow! So happy to hear someone discuss this topic. I see so many topics on how to identify a toxic friend or how to make friends but the realistic health of friendship is not in abundance. Thank you 😊

  • Anna Moody
    Anna Moody 8 месяцев назад +6

    What an annoying way of talking: over excited and too fast!

  • Alice Lowell
    Alice Lowell 9 месяцев назад +6

    Brilliant lecture!

  • John Mario Con-ogan
    John Mario Con-ogan 9 месяцев назад +1

    This is really uplifting.

  • amaezyng
    amaezyng 9 месяцев назад +5

    Excellent Tedx Talk !👌🏻

  • Geekella
    Geekella 9 месяцев назад +2

    And I'm now downloading her audiobook

  • About that Mommy Life
    About that Mommy Life 9 месяцев назад


  • Vicki Lynn
    Vicki Lynn 9 месяцев назад +23

    Brilliant talk! I know lots of people yet don't have a single friend that I would trust to really be there for me, and I don't think it's me :-). How to connect and be a decent friend needs to be taught in school

  • Joyce Van Laar
    Joyce Van Laar Год назад +71

    But if you try to bring up your needs and you get zero response? That is very saddening and makes me try to make new friends anyhow. But I love that I now know about this triangle. And what I should look for and give myself😊

  • Tonnie Mulli
    Tonnie Mulli Год назад +5

    Good job Shasta! That was so well done and on-point.

  • Nancy M. Forbes
    Nancy M. Forbes Год назад +9

    Well done and exemplified Shasta!!

  • Tricia Andor
    Tricia Andor Год назад +13

    This talk is packed with nuggets 'o wisdom! Thanks for distilling such important info into bite-sizes for us, Shasta! Bravo!

  • Nyeshia Kearney
    Nyeshia Kearney Год назад +16

    Wow! When you put it in that perspective no wonder I sound like a broken record! I can definitely identify each out of the three with my friends ! Thanks great job 👍🏽

  • Patty Gomez
    Patty Gomez Год назад +11

    Wow! This so resonated with me! Thank you!

  • maureen arrigo
    maureen arrigo Год назад +26

    What excellent points and so well delivered. I can totally relate to being lonely around supposed friends.

  • Shannon McKain
    Shannon McKain Год назад +29

    LOVE this talk! Well done!!!