Frientimacy: The 3 Requirements of All Healthy Friendships | Shasta Nelson | TEDxLaSierraUniversity

  • Published on Dec 15, 2017
  • Our world is getting "better" at connecting us and yet we're reporting feeling more disconnected than ever. The issue: loneliness. The solution: understanding the 3 actions that lead to belonging. Shasta Nelson is passionate about all things friendship. As founder and CEO of the female-friendship learning community-she speaks and writes regularly on this important topic.
    She is the author of two books: Friendships Don’t Just Happen! The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of Girl- Friends and Frientimacy: How to Deepen Friendships for Lifelong Health and Happiness. Her spirited and soulful voice can also be read at Shasta’s Friendship Blog and in her relationship health column in The Huffington Post.
    She’s been interviewed on the Today show, Katie Couric’s show Katie, The Early Show, and on Fox Extra. She’s been consulted on friendship matters by writers and reporters from such magazines as Cosmopolitan, More, Real Simple, Redbook, and Good Housekeeping, and from such newspapers as The New York Times, Chicago Tribune, and the San Francisco Chronicle. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at

Comments • 227

  • Elizabeth Djokovic
    Elizabeth Djokovic 5 days ago

    Yes she explains it well. You can't build friendships without spending time together, breaking bread together. Most people I know are always in a hurry. I try not to be. They have what is known as " hurry sickness". The ability to build and maintain friendships has now been hindered by the new behaviours shaped by addiction to mobile phones and iPads and machines that facilitate communication and interaction from a distance. Work patterns and schedules also make it difficult for people to socialise and keep in touch with others. It's no wonder so many people feel lonely.
    Ultimately there is no substitute for face to face human interaction. It is important to be there, even if you haven't got much to say.
    A famous chess champion who spent years as a recluse was quoted as saying as he faced his final curtain and he allowed people back in. "There is nothing more comforting than the human touch".

  • Gail Lewis
    Gail Lewis 8 days ago

    Shasta's a fabulous name. 🌼

  • Emmanuel OMOTOSO
    Emmanuel OMOTOSO 16 days ago +1

    I've always been this type of friend, but never had this type of friendship that she describes. Thanks. Very insiteful lecture.

  • Artist rapper Dancer, wth

    Awwww, she is cute.

  • Robert Maxa
    Robert Maxa 17 days ago

    I have a friend I hang out with, once a year, over 3 days. Does that count as consistency?

  • David Sasse
    David Sasse 18 days ago

    Consistency is showing up.

  • flowersmile123
    flowersmile123 18 days ago

    This was refreshing to listen to. And a great reminder of how great friendships are built as well as what makes up the foundation of the triangle that leads to frientimacy: positivity, consistency and vulnerability.

  • Ilona Szöllősi
    Ilona Szöllősi 18 days ago

    This talk was all I needed. At the moment I have some friendship problems and I want to solve them and not just let them go. This helped me so much. I even made notes after I watched it.

  • SevenDeMagnus
    SevenDeMagnus 18 days ago

    She's quite fit.

  • MsBeautifulhoney19
    MsBeautifulhoney19 21 day ago


  • Simon-_-88
    Simon-_-88 22 days ago

    Why the shouting??

  • Tay Off The Top
    Tay Off The Top 22 days ago +1

    Thank You!!

  • Amanda McDaniel
    Amanda McDaniel 23 days ago

    I would rather get a couple dogs at this point.

  • Ezza Five
    Ezza Five 24 days ago +1

    Respect to the speaker. The problem is that I did a communication course and it did not improve my friendships because my friends didn’t do the course. I just became ultra aware of how people were doing what we’d learned not to do - minimising, judging, dismissing, and changing the subject to themselves. Both parties in a friendship need to have the ability to be intimate. To communicate. To be vulnerable. What to do since that’s not the case?

  • gfgeged
    gfgeged Month ago

    Wow. The thing though with me and with whom I want to be my best friend for life is that whenever I open up to be vulnerable, he seems uninterested. The conversation will always go back to his vulnerability.

  • Karendal Sadik
    Karendal Sadik Month ago

    The oppositive too addiction is connectivity NOT strength or morality.

  • shivam sharma
    shivam sharma 2 months ago

    so i am lonely , overweight , smoker , drink oftenly , and do not exercise - this means i am inviting death on a feast . AWESOME !!

  • LaDonna Wimmer
    LaDonna Wimmer 2 months ago

    I shared this with my friends and they shared with different friends. Every relationship can benefit from this.

  • Neja H.
    Neja H. 2 months ago


  • Sandra Esparza
    Sandra Esparza 2 months ago

    P + C + V 💖

  • Jewels Ohbearing
    Jewels Ohbearing 2 months ago

    Seal of approval.....

  • josski32
    josski32 2 months ago +1

    this is the type of content people watching rom coms and reading how to find your soulmate articles actually need.

  • Get IT J
    Get IT J 2 months ago +1

    Learn how to develop friendships. She makes a great point here. We know many people yet how many true friends do we really have? I know 4 me if 1 then I am doing ok

  • Jeremy Pickett
    Jeremy Pickett 2 months ago

    Yes. To repeat, yes. Another time, yes. It feels so good to hear someone else say this.

  • Sarah Diehl
    Sarah Diehl 2 months ago +12

    Just give up on social media already. How much more proof do people need to realize their phone is hurting them, that everything on Facebook and Instagram is staged and faked and negatively influences our ability to build real friendships because we always compare, take selfies instead of having conversations and Instagram is turning ALL of us into narcissists.

    • DarthVader
      DarthVader 17 days ago +1

      I used to believe that but honestly, my online friends have always been there to help me whenever I needed them than any of my offline friends. The people who I thought were friends irl turned out to be fake and hurt me.

    • Lily19 Bella
      Lily19 Bella 2 months ago

      Sarah Diehl exactly true!!!

  • Terena Rosa
    Terena Rosa 2 months ago

    Wait a second.....
    I have no one to "move up."
    Step 1: Get friends.

  • Jennifer Chiang
    Jennifer Chiang 2 months ago

    watching this on a day I needed

    JYOTHIKA JAMES 2 months ago +3

    So what if two person are there and one of them trying hard to keep the 3 requirement but another one is not doing the same ...Will it be a healthy friendship... Or is it enough for a healthy friendship

  • Sandy Han
    Sandy Han 3 months ago

    more people need to watch this, because like most friendship/r/s advice, its a 2 ways street. you could provide all 3 requirements on your end, but when the other party is not willing to do the same, its impossible to achieve this. I've watched so many show on how to cut toxicity and keep proper friends, but what if... there's no one left?

  • Swoosy Lee
    Swoosy Lee 3 months ago +1

    Wow this is life changing and clear-cut advice!!!!! :D

  • cintylocks
    cintylocks 3 months ago

    Aaaaaand this is why "normal" ppl join cults

  • Pew Pew Life
    Pew Pew Life 3 months ago +6

    I'm not sure I understand the category of Positivity. The other two categories made perfect sense and were really helpful, but maybe there's a more helpful word than Positivity. Can anyone shed light on this category based on the talk?

    • Angel rose
      Angel rose 3 days ago

      Nutmeg Macadamia Thank you!!! Can we be friends?

    • Nutmeg Macadamia
      Nutmeg Macadamia Month ago +3

      Positivity can be toxic if it's used to shame a struggling person. I feel closer to people when they are open to show their anger, sadness and frustrations. Positivity is not something I trust. I've had too many smiling fake friends. "Positive" people make me feel like a failure for not being happy enough. If I need to fake happiness I'm invisible so what's the point?

    • Chimeishō Zeppelin
      Chimeishō Zeppelin 2 months ago +1

      Pew Pew Life I haven’t watched the video but just by the look of it I believe it means that your friends don’t try to bring you down. They have to be there to support you and not make you feel bad, guilty or like a failure because you couldn’t achieve something or when you are down. If they’re negative all of the time, it can affect your mental health and it doesn’t make things better. Hope this helps :P

  • Floki Taylor
    Floki Taylor 3 months ago

    This video is great. I sit here today alone. And I needed this.

    • Sunin611
      Sunin611 3 months ago +1

      Sending you a virtual hug :)

  • Ruth Nodel
    Ruth Nodel 3 months ago +1

    I am truly wanting a good female friend here where i live in Southwest Michigan!
    I love to laugh, dance, cry, do yoga, be spontaneous!

  • Ruth Nodel
    Ruth Nodel 3 months ago +1

    Thank you so much for this!
    I need to make true friends.
    Positivity, Consistency, Vulnerability
    I am available for a true female friend!

  • SunshineGirl
    SunshineGirl 3 months ago +6

    I was told by professionals to not share too much personal information as you do not have control how ppl interpret and what they do with that information.
    As for positivity, it is unfair as if I am having a major problem like health issue etc ... I don't deserve to be their friend?

    • Nutmeg Macadamia
      Nutmeg Macadamia Month ago

      The positivity bit bothers me bevause I've had friendships that lasted many years while I was happy and after divorce, the death of my mum and an emotionslly abusive relationship I became depressed and everyone turned on me, talked behind my back etc. I'd rather find out people can empathize before uplifting them so positivity is not a requirement for friendship with me. Being genuine is much more important to me than being positive.

    • Sue V
      Sue V 3 months ago +1

      Sunshine girl good question!

  • xan8185
    xan8185 3 months ago +2

    When I feel lonely I just look at the drama my acquaintances go through and get happy knowing I'm my own best friend. I really like being alone.

  • pokemongurlz
    pokemongurlz 3 months ago +1

    This was phenomenal

  • Stay Honey
    Stay Honey 4 months ago

    What are you supposed to do if you don’t feel loved?

  • jbird Perez
    jbird Perez 4 months ago

    big like.....mmmmmsexy very much alive!

  • Lisa Yu
    Lisa Yu 4 months ago +6

    I know why so many of my friendships didn't work out now, it didn't start with positivity. I would bond with others based on the opposite, negativity, or trauma bonding. It is so important to have a good positive relationship with yourself first so that future friendships can build properly by starting with the first requirement: positivity. Thank you Shasta 🌻

  • Vixinaful
    Vixinaful 4 months ago

    She sounds increeibly egotistical. And should fix her thighs..Its cellulite city!

  • Jaclyn H
    Jaclyn H 4 months ago +1

    Brilliant Video I believe everyone would benefit from watching.

  • Nali Liu
    Nali Liu 4 months ago +1

    I LOVE THIS! WELL SAID! I need to work on bettering my friendships by building positivity, consistency, & vulnerability.

  • Galaxy
    Galaxy 4 months ago

    So, vulnerability is actually them getting to know you. I'm not really sure "vulnerability" would be the right name for the category...

  • chui 1
    chui 1 5 months ago +1

    Yeah i recently found out one of my "best friends" really isnt my best friends. Ive shared exstremely private intimate things with her.. But she wont with me.. So im done ill put in a casual category now. Done sharing w people that dont with me..

  • AraZemiJo
    AraZemiJo 5 months ago

    10:09 well shoot, then I'm screwed

  • Jason S
    Jason S 5 months ago

    She had to rush to catch a flight home. The way in which you communicate really matters to friendship maintenance. you can't talk so fast.

  • claud 29
    claud 29 5 months ago

    So it's just like a romantic relationship without the romance?..hopefully you like your friends. Takes awhile to find out who people are and if they like your personality.

  • Andreas Landgren
    Andreas Landgren 5 months ago

    So this is why i quit most friendships

  • Rachel Lynn Gordy
    Rachel Lynn Gordy 5 months ago

    So true! Wonderful Ted Talk!

  • Hans Hoerdemann
    Hans Hoerdemann 5 months ago

    What's with those shoes?!

  • Lexie02 Jones
    Lexie02 Jones 5 months ago +2

    You’re The BoMB 💣!! Thank you so much for this video!! I needed this!!

  • Gratitude
    Gratitude 6 months ago

    Great talk !
    I am feeling lonely in my relationship. He has no time for me for all the 3 cardinal relationship/ friendship key points. After I heard this I sent him a text pertaining to this . Waiting for response.

  • peapotter3
    peapotter3 6 months ago +1

    As I grow older, having a meaningful relationship with my friends is much more important than partying with them. Of course it is always fun to have fun, but there is no substitute for one-on-one time together.

  • Jacquelyn Haley
    Jacquelyn Haley 6 months ago +1

    Beautiful! Shasta that was one of the best Ted Talks I have seen

  • Fat Octopus
    Fat Octopus 6 months ago +29

    Personally, I find the lack of time commitment to be the biggest friendship killer. The glorification of busy has reduced most of my friendships to merely "friendly acquaintances." Strangely enough, these "frientances" usually lack neither positivity nor vulnerability; most likely because we're so starved for validation. It's all about knowing who talks to you in their free time, or who takes the time to talk to you. In the end; however, we usually find ourselves sitting on a two-legged chair, simply because sometimes it's better than nothing at all.

    • penny hughes
      penny hughes Month ago

      Yes in this situation right now with a friend shes really busy ......cant pick up the phone and doesn't text to arrange a call by very hurtful

  • bintelly
    bintelly 6 months ago

    But complaining feels so good - what about positivity is fun? Hearing how awesome other people are and how perfect their lives are doesn't feel good. Listening to people brag about themselves is boring and makes them seem terribly insecure.

  • Erin Laemmle
    Erin Laemmle 6 months ago

    Very loud!

  • Vasanthapriya Rajkumar
    Vasanthapriya Rajkumar 7 months ago

    This changed a lot of my thinking. Thank you!

  • John Concepcion
    John Concepcion 7 months ago

    great execution of ideas

  • Milena
    Milena 7 months ago +46

    I’ve always had a difficult time finding real friends, people who genuinely cared about me, etc. I always had the superficial type of friends, like it was nothing genuine. until this year, I met this guy who i feel like is a brother to me and honestly, it’s probably the most genuine and loving friendship I ever had. I feel comfortable enough with him to tell him my biggest secrets, I trust him so much I can’t even put it into words and he’s the same with me, he has shared things with me that he doesn’t dare telling anyone else and idk, we’re always supporting each other and wanting each other to do great in life, it’s just such a nice feeling, having a real friend lol.

    • Justice M.
      Justice M. 5 months ago +3

      Yes, be cautious...but on the flip side, don't be overly suspicious. Believe it or not, there are guys in existence who will be a friend to a girl without expecting anything else out of it. I’m blessed enough to have a male friend a lot like yours, and I know for a fact I am not (and have never been) on his lust radar (our level of vulnerability is such that we talked about this early on). Which makes the amount of effort he’s put into being a great friend just astounding. Be prudent and don't ignore red flags, but it is quite possible you’ve found a true friend.

    • Buffy Kerestan
      Buffy Kerestan 6 months ago +3

      Be cautious from somebody who has been there, he might have fuckzoned you. If he asks you out and you say no and he suddenly doesnt want to be friends anymore, dont say you havent been warned.

  • Mary B
    Mary B 7 months ago +3

    The cure for addiction is not sobriety- it’s connectedness... maybe that’s why Meetings help? Food for thought...

  • Ka Er
    Ka Er 7 months ago

    Well, my "friends"...
    thats all you need to know to understand what I mean..

  • Rarity Crystal
    Rarity Crystal 7 months ago

    I got a story and it's actually true between me and one of my friend or so I used to called her bestie
    It happened a few months ago we entered a competition we on the same team with another student and my mentor . She was so awesome she's more beautiful she's more intelligent but... Last weekend I cried , she told be along time that there will be some amazing interviews about all of us as a team but then she end up choosing to only 'ONLY' her being interviewed ...I was broken I came back home crying inside the room thinking I though we going to do this together this wasnt the first time she tried to "push me into a car" 😔😔😔😔I trusted her , and now I'm suspicious that my long distance lover actually cheating on me and chatting with her ....

  • Ms.FitVegan
    Ms.FitVegan 7 months ago


  • Anna Mather
    Anna Mather 8 months ago

    health stuff relating to loneliness! YES! I could feel my life seeping away! I was dead! I was cold! I couldn't feel touch!

  • Chatoyancify
    Chatoyancify 8 months ago +28

    First, part 2 of her speech would address the sad gender difference. Women have an easier time sharing vulnerability than men. What can we do to help? Second, we cannot demand a deepening of friendship by following her suggestions because friendship chemistry does exist. Different people will satisfy different needs according to their context and personality. Perhaps one friend can listen to your emotional concerns much more effectively than the one who can respond to your detailed plan on changing your major or career. Pay attention to who people are, the time they have, the skill they have. Don't write off someone because they're not satisfying everything. No one can.

  • SirMalker
    SirMalker 8 months ago +1

    No, the answer is getting closer to who you really are. As long as you try to live in a superficial removed way, then all your relationships will be as such.

    • pokemongurlz
      pokemongurlz 3 months ago +1

      Very true. I hate this new culture of "love yourself before loving others" because how we learn to love ourselves is THROUGH our reactions with others!

    • Chatoyancify
      Chatoyancify 8 months ago +2

      Many people need friendships to lead them to the skill of self-reflection. Few have the natural ability and/or motivation to do it on their own.

  • Germaine Ir
    Germaine Ir 8 months ago


  • ashley arias
    ashley arias 8 months ago +3

    There is no solution. Any time you make plans with someone or try to reach out to connect they ghost you or fail to show up. You can't connect and build friendships and trust when the other person never shows up.

    • Elijah Williams
      Elijah Williams 8 months ago

      ash ari I think that’s someone who’s an occasional friend or that school friend you see from time to time. There’s friends for EVERY environment

  • Karen Brent
    Karen Brent 8 months ago

    aseame vid

  • Pia Love
    Pia Love 8 months ago +1

    I have people forcing their unmet need for friendships and relationships on me. I needed to watch a video to remind me that a better choice exists.

  • Pazzie Anne Knexx
    Pazzie Anne Knexx 8 months ago

    I am constantly vulnerable but remain in a loop of toxic friendships. :/

  • seeker
    seeker 8 months ago

    SOOOOOO TRUE!!!! I AM SOOO GRATEFUL FOR YOUR WORK!!!!! Have you heard of Teal Swan? Eva, Belgium

  • Water Ski Lake Austin
    Water Ski Lake Austin 8 months ago +1

    Well done!

  • Sonia Helen Ponce
    Sonia Helen Ponce 8 months ago +5

    This is the most amazing thing I've listened to all day!

  • Ruskie
    Ruskie 9 months ago

    Express yourself

  • 1LaOriental
    1LaOriental 9 months ago +166

    Another huge problem is female competition. Women are great at covert aggression. I have lost many so-called friends due to jealousy 😒

    • FruitBasketyay
      FruitBasketyay Month ago

      @limestring I wish you the best of luck!

    • LemonadePie
      LemonadePie 2 months ago

      I've never found this before my female friends r all supportive and want the best for me and I for them and I can say I'm genuinely happy when I see them acbeive . But I can understand what you mean

    • limestring
      limestring 2 months ago +3

      yea i’m a female and i have jealousy issues but i’m tryna fix it

    • # Royalty
      # Royalty 3 months ago +1

      That is why I am scared to have female friends.

    • Valerie W
      Valerie W 3 months ago +1

      Well then you're lucky to be AWAY from those people they are sick, they will even envy your kindness if you're nice to them 😂 demon bitches who won't stop until your spirit is visibly crushed

  • 1LaOriental
    1LaOriental 9 months ago +26

    What about reciprocity??

    • OperaEagle IcelynLacelett
      OperaEagle IcelynLacelett 7 months ago +3

      That's convered under positivity, or both people being seen. But it's definitely v important.

  • Otilia Dragan
    Otilia Dragan 9 months ago +18

    Yes okay but some people actually don’t care 🙃 and you deserve better if they never care

  • Kartos
    Kartos 9 months ago +60

    Sadly this is hard to achieve when so many people are like, 'oh sorry I blatantly ignored you for days, I'm just an introvert tehehe'

    • Malachi Nunyo
      Malachi Nunyo Month ago

      Kartos THIS! I noticed that the “friends” I had that did this were deathly afraid of intimacy and just didn’t want to admit it.

    • Ankur Gedam
      Ankur Gedam 4 months ago +5

      thats not how introversion works. if they ignore you they dont care about you. introversion or extroversion got nothing to do with it.

    • Chatoyancify
      Chatoyancify 8 months ago +5

      Some people are overwhelmed by the emotions of others, and even their own. They don't know how to cope themselves, let alone comfort someone else. Often it's due to ignorance, lack of practice, but also sometimes mental deficiencies. I have relatives in the latter camp with varying levels of empathy limitations. When you come across someone who does not love you as you would like them to, you can either give them the chance to do so next time by telling them what you need or choose not to rely on them for this type of care, but do understand that we all come with context.

    • ashley arias
      ashley arias 8 months ago +5

      We’re talking about people who think it’s ok to treat people who are supposedly your good friends like 💩 because it’s inconvenient for them to be a decent human being and think saying they are an introvert excuses their a-hole treatment of others.

    • Wandering In The Woods
      Wandering In The Woods 8 months ago +13

      Some people are introverted due to how they were brought up, such as social isolation which makes it difficult to understand relationships. They seem difficult to understand, but if you were to imagine yourself being ignored and being separated for most of your life, you too would probably be conditioned to think the way of an introvert; finding people annoying, not understanding your own social value which has been treated as nothing for most of their life. If it's treated as nothing, then why even bother to exercise it? Why work out a muscle that you haven't ever used, and that people don't value?
      I'd try to be understanding and patient, this also ties into the vulnerability aspect of things where life stories matter...but it's hard to get that out of people. There should be a guide as to "when and how vulnerability should come about" without being a push over or nosy, but sometimes people are simply lazy and don't care for others. If it isn't laziness, then it's an actual mental block which is something they struggle heavily to fight against. Patience and guidance can work, but only if you're willing to put fourth that effort.
      Not everyone should do this though, if you don't see the point in it then I would try to focus on other relationships in the time being as well as self reliance, see if they reach out to you. Maybe one day you'll want to try again but if you're going through a lot, then clearly this person isn't the one to go to. And nothing beats professional help. I also hope that person seeks it and finds a way to learn to trust and open up to other people...opening up doesn't only mean you will receive support, it also means that you will give away support. Anyway sorry for the ramble, just trying to show what it might be from another introvert's perspective, take it however you wish or dont at all.

  • Mrs T
    Mrs T 9 months ago +6

    Vulnerability is what runs people in the opposite direction. Unless you have the EXACT problem as them. I am nearly 60. I have EXPERIENCE.

  • Mrs T
    Mrs T 9 months ago +1

    I guess I'm gonna die young

  • Manoranjan Nayak
    Manoranjan Nayak 9 months ago

    I need a fire.......

  • Lucie Bourdouxhe
    Lucie Bourdouxhe 9 months ago +197

    The three requirements:

    • Jeiygo
      Jeiygo 2 months ago +1

      Lucie Bourdouxhe Ty

  • Mandy Makhumalo
    Mandy Makhumalo 9 months ago +1

    Love it!

  • Eileen MacDougall
    Eileen MacDougall 9 months ago +1

    Excellent TED talk. Excellent information, thank you.

  • Sarah Dittmann
    Sarah Dittmann 9 months ago

    I got the top of my triangle in two months!

  • The Maverick Historian
    The Maverick Historian 9 months ago +20

    Huh, never really thought about the quality of my friendships. I think about so many different aspects of health and happiness, including romantic relationships, but I've put zero effort into understanding what makes for awesome friendships and purposely seeking them out and/or building them.
    However, it's probably the most important aspect of a happy life before you meet your lifelong partner, and even then it remains extremely important to your happiness and you could even argue it's just as important! If you are in love with your life partner, but don't have any awesome friendships, well, that's pretty sad. You may not even find or attract a great women in your life without some amazing friends and an array of diverse and valuable social circles. Not to mention your friendships can either be extremely beneficial to your marriage/relationship or extremely detrimental.
    I need to put more time aside into focusing on finding and developing awesome friendships and several large and valuable social circles.

  • Shasta C Henry
    Shasta C Henry 9 months ago +6

    WOW! this was an excellently delivered and excellently interesting talk. I love the connection between the science and the feelings.

  • LightOn Stillwaters
    LightOn Stillwaters 9 months ago

    Thanks for prompting and reminding me to share this meaningful talk with others The Horseback Heroine. Will do so more. (Couldn't reply to you b/c t Reply text box is typing my words Left to Right, so it came out jumbled).

  • haikaz stephan
    haikaz stephan 9 months ago

    People need to learn how to be their own best friend. Especially as you age, you know yourself and you really need less people.

    • Mrs T
      Mrs T 9 months ago +1

      haikaz stephan well at's good to be able to entertain oneself however the bitter pill is not being able to share how great it was to be able to entertain oneself with even one other person. It's like I loved that picture I drew but there is no one to look at it and say wow.

  • TheHurt Fan
    TheHurt Fan 10 months ago +8

    So the so-called 'hermits' don't matter? Pffs

    • Günther Z
      Günther Z 11 days ago

      Hermits don't care about this

  • ana ML
    ana ML 10 months ago +18

    How do you know who to trust and be vulnerable most if the time people use it against me and become the bullies of my daily life. Yes I am negative today😂

    • craz4jaymz
      craz4jaymz 6 months ago

      @Pink Puffin i absolutely agree. This insistence of being vulnerable with every friend is dangerous. Not everyone can handle it or even want to. You have to open your eyes to what the person actually is and not who you want them to be. Only then will you be able to pick the person who would be able to support you emotionally

    • MimAesthetic
      MimAesthetic 8 months ago +5

      ana ML open up slowly and consciously, never to acquaintances or associates, if you have things in common and are hitting it off, share a bit of yourself that's a little bit deeper than what you'd tell a stranger, observe what they do with your secret, not everyone deserves to have so much knowledge about you. To make friends you have to be vulnerable they say, but there are different levels of vulnerability and giving away your life secrets to a stranger or someone you think is a friend without thinking about what they've done with the little things you said to them is not a good idea.

    • Pink Puffin
      Pink Puffin 9 months ago +2

      ana ML Think about protecting your inner life like you would your house and possessions. Would you give just anyone the keys to your house if you weren't home? They try to make us believe in pop culture we have to be emotionally open to everyone, but that just makes us vulnerable to emotional con artists. Treat your inner secrets and life the way you would your bank savings

  • Daryl Dela Cruz
    Daryl Dela Cruz 10 months ago +3

    Beautiful talk :)

  • AntaA
    AntaA 10 months ago +153

    That sharing story was the story of my life. Always facilitating meet ups, birthday surprises... always listening to troubles, but no one ever listened to me.
    Last week while on holidays with my ''5 best friends'', when I finally confronted them (after 10 years of friendship) about not ever bringing me a birthday cake or even a small present on my birthday, they all thought I was being irrational, loud and frankly half of them didn't remember they were at my party... true fact, one of them looked at me and said I acted like a beggar, asking for attention...
    Long story short, I came back from holidays with a new outlook on life and relationships... needless to say I haven't called anyone and they haven't been in touch ever since... probably they don't remember any of this happened... oh well! At least, as weird as it sounds, I'm lighter at my feet. We'll see what the future holds!

    • Tam712
      Tam712 12 days ago

      Unfortunately, these are the facts of life. I've learned not to expect anything from anyone. I'm not so important to warrant a response from someone and ironically I've had some of the kindest and most surprising acts done for me by my friends. I don't have lots of close friends, 3 to be precise and they are genuinely beautiful people. Sometimes we get so caught up in what people do or don't for us (I've been there), that we forget to actually look at the quality of the person. Beautiful, kind souls will cherish you and the friendship that is offered by another person.

    • Cheryl Knapp
      Cheryl Knapp 12 days ago

      AntaA me too!

    • deweytuna
      deweytuna Month ago

      Good on you for confronting your friends on their behaviour. They chose to be offended instead of listening to you and truly hear what you were saying and self reflect. I know how you feel, always being the listener and when you mention something it gets passed over and back to them. I hope the future holds happiness and genuine friendships for you.

    • Randy van Vliet
      Randy van Vliet Month ago

      @Autumn chills I try to cull the bottom 5 to 10% of my so called "friendships" on an annual basis. Associating with people that drag you down is not healthy.

    • Sheila Dyck
      Sheila Dyck 2 months ago

      Me too a couple of weeks ago!

  • Phoenix Foyle
    Phoenix Foyle 10 months ago +1

    Wow amazing! Thank You!

  • Daniel
    Daniel 10 months ago +2

    I found the positivity bit especially helpful... thank you

  • LightOn Stillwaters
    LightOn Stillwaters 10 months ago +110

    This TALK deserves a million more views, at the very least!