How to Get Over The End of a Relationship | Antonio Pascual-Leone | TEDxUniversityofWindsor

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  • Published on Apr 5, 2019
  • Have you had an important relationship end and felt a bit stuck on how to move on? Clinical psychologist Dr. Antonio Pascual-Leone calls this “emotional baggage” or “unfinished business” and speaks about a 3-step process that could help you wrap things up and “finish the feeling”. Antonio is a clinical psychologist and associate professor at the University of Windsor, where he trains psychotherapists and is director of the Emotion Change Lab.

    He has received several career awards from international societies (2009, 2014), distinguished publication awards from associations in US and Germany (2010; 2016), and is an honorary research professor at the University of Lausanne (Switzerland).
    In addition to 14 years of university teaching, he has given over 35 clinical workshops around the world and received several more awards for his teaching and mentorship (2016; 2018), recognizing his leadership in education and his innovation teaching psychotherapy skills. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx

Comments • 1 437

  • Carlos Gonzalez
    Carlos Gonzalez 22 hours ago

    after reading some of the comments is it bad that it feels good to not be the only one?

  • Dash Cam Adventures R Us

    This is the best talk on the subject I've heard so far.

  • Jacob Sedillo
    Jacob Sedillo 2 days ago

    We dated for a while and now when she sees me she doesnt know me funny how people can change do quick and forget you for good

  • Jenna Rose
    Jenna Rose 2 days ago

    Heart break comes in so many different forms. My life keeps moving forward and I can’t keep up. Idk who I am anymore

  • MrNewcaledonia
    MrNewcaledonia 2 days ago +1

    Our 5 year relationship ended because she felt something for a man she met at work 4 months ago, 5 years were decimated by a man she knows for less than half a year. She felt a void due to the death of her sister and she said he filled it by listening, I listened too and I gave her all I had.

  • Tictac YT
    Tictac YT 2 days ago

    Anyone here cause there e hoe is gone 😂😂

  • Bircan Nizam
    Bircan Nizam 2 days ago

    Who are those 743 dumpers how sad they must be...

  • JRFR 35
    JRFR 35 3 days ago

    Yeah same 2am on a school day psat today having a mental breakdwon Hahaha a little insight me and my ex dated from freshman year of highschool till a few weeks ago junior year
    I wish the best for her but e she started talking to a guy that doesn't rub me the good way wht should I do?

  • Eileen Garcia
    Eileen Garcia 3 days ago

    Married for two years, have a one year old, and another on the way, we are separated right now, and heavily considering divorce, he says he doesn’t care if we do or not, which makes me know that the solution is divorce, and it hurts because I know it’s ending, I love him so much, but I have to do what’s best for my children, it hurts so much All day, and at night that’s when the sting of the loneliness hurts more
    I just want to stop hurting
    How does someone who pursued you for three years just let go so easily 💔

  • jhon hall
    jhon hall 3 days ago +1

    Now I'm just somebody that she used to know.

  • DBSK_Cassie
    DBSK_Cassie 3 days ago +1

    How can someone who doesn't care and sees me as a blip in their radar effect me so much? How could I let him break me so badly?

  • Madhav  Malhotra
    Madhav Malhotra 3 days ago

    👌🏻👌🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻❤❤❤❤

  • Kawinyarat Jitaroon
    Kawinyarat Jitaroon 3 days ago +1

    That’s right. “ I need that somebody has my back, that I’m a priority, worthy. “

  • Nigel
    Nigel 3 days ago

    I was with a girl and i did everything to carry the relationship. I let go of most of my friends and she was so controlling over me where i couldn't talk to other girls. I spent so many resources for her. Every gift i gave, she never said thank you. And i confronted her about all the stuff so we broke up. Days after breaking up shes dating a friend of mine. I dont know what to do i just cant get over her.

  • Hunter Allen
    Hunter Allen 3 days ago

    I think the fastest way to get over it is deleting everything that reminds you of them. You don’t have to delete their number but the pictures and other things that remind you of them. If you work with them, it’s gonna be much harder. Depending on how hard it is, you may want to try finding a different job.

  • KHW1957
    KHW1957 4 days ago

    This thing was useless.

  • Nanami
    Nanami 5 days ago

    I am here for healing my heart and being better.
    I just broke up with my ex three days ago.
    We had been dating for 5 and a half month. We did international long distance relationship. We could meet and see each other for almost 4 months. But, while we were dating, there were a lots of problems and he had been doing bad things to me. Romance is blind. Especially, for me. I closed my eyes with those problems.
    In fact, we broke up for three times. And now it is four times. While I had been studying in his country and Before I had to go back to Japan, we broke up. And I thought that it is last time of breaking up. it was third time of breaking up. Then, the day before I have to go back to Japan, he came back to me again and he told me that he had realized how important person who I am in his life and etc,,,. I had decided to date with him again even if I have known that he had been doing bad things to me. Because I have never seen the part of him that he is really serious with me. And, we have decided to see each other again in December. And now I am in Japan. He broke up with me without seeing each other. It is just 50days that we could see each other.
    But, he broke up with me with ignoring my opinion.
    I was really scared if he broke up with me while we cannot see each other. But, I decided to take the risk. Finally, he screwed up my life.
    I had been working so hard for seeing him again since when I cane back to Japan.
    I really wanted to see him again at least.
    I am really sad, feel hard, miserable but I cannot see him forever. I don’t know what to do. I want to overcome this patient. And I want to get true love with someone in my future. But, I am so hurt even now.

  • fleece Johnson
    fleece Johnson 5 days ago

    😔

  • David Thomspson
    David Thomspson 5 days ago

    Wow.This was good and put into words all the thoughts I had in some 30 years and 2 bad relationships.Bravo.Sometimes hearing your own thoughts articulated by another can bring a greater understanding that can only happen outside our own inner thoughts.

  • Jr Beans
    Jr Beans 5 days ago

    Plenty of overweight fish in the sea

  • HermeśTreś
    HermeśTreś 5 days ago

    Having just ended my marriage of 5 years, I am now just processing everything. I'm not in love and so I'm not in pain but moments of weakness come and go but i tell my self that it's unfair, what you miss is the comfort and safety that you've gotten use to. I hope everyone finds their soulmate.

  • Jason I
    Jason I 6 days ago

    So, How do I actually apply this to move on? In so much pain from everything right now.

  • Essa Albaloshi
    Essa Albaloshi 6 days ago

    It’s take years to get back who you are after brake up ,, my advise don’t build a relationship with out any ideas 💡 both of you

  • Yamon Bernadette Lamah

    I just find out my fiancé been hanging outs with his ex the mother of his son, it all started in december last year they started making out, he bought undies for her and they share kisses and stuff i found out he told me he was carried away we are in a long distance relationship and where he is, is where she is with their son.. I try to contact her because i felt there were a life he waa living without my knowing but he harshly talked to me when i contacted him, he gave me ultimatums to never contact her again for as long as we are together and eversince things aren't good with us, i was not able to move on from the betrayal and on his graduation day he only inform me after the graduation and i found out the girl was there with him and their son and just last night she posted a picture of a wedding they all attended together wearing matching outfits i sent him the picture and sent left him voice message saying good bye and blocked him ive been crying eversince..
    You know saying all this makes me realize how wrong this relationship actually was but i loved him so much and i still do and maybe I always will.

    • blank
      blank 5 days ago

      omg sorry you had to go through all that😭

  • Joe Juliano
    Joe Juliano 6 days ago +1

    So today, I was at this school event, and I saw this girl that I was talking to that I was starting to like and I saw her kiss another boy... My best friend was that boy.

  • betty abebe
    betty abebe 6 days ago

    Today I was going to kill myself because my relationship 4 years and half relationship ended a month ago . I was so hurt . I sent my little brother a text saying I am sorry I wasn’t strong. His car almost flipped when he read the text I sent him . He got his eye hurt .I felt like there was no point for me to leave. I forgot about my mom dad and brother the one who care about me the most . I didn’t know that I was going to hurt them more than I was hurt . I have been really strong the past two weeks because I asked god to give strength and to forgive me . Every Saturday I feel very week . If you wonder how we broke up I told him that I kissed someone and he has very hurt . I wouldn’t forgive him either if he has kissed another women but I wanted to forgive me and to give me a second chance but I know that doesn’t want me to be with him but I am also scared I won’t never find a boyfriend. I feel very selfish

  • OE U
    OE U 6 days ago

    I’m totally single and have been for 2 years but I’m here to watch and try get tips to help a friend move through her break up

  • Himadri Mondal
    Himadri Mondal 6 days ago

    10 years relatn..and she cheated twice.. it really hurts to live...

  • CactusHeart79
    CactusHeart79 6 days ago

    14:44 I find, in these situations, what you are really grieving over is much more about the specific aspects that fulfilled you in that relationship and more about the meeting of your expectations than it is about that specific person. When relationships are formed, the aspects and expectations are anchored to that specific person, so when the relationship goes down, so too the rest. The aspects you most want in a relationship and your expectations are a movable feast. Once you realize that, it becomes easier to detach from that specific person. In fact, it may even become easier for the negative aspects you never liked about them to move to the front instead of hidden in the back haha 😅 It’s more the death of the illusion of what you thought the relationship was than the death of the relationship itself.

  • Cheryl W.
    Cheryl W. 7 days ago

    Divorced after 21 years of marriage. It's been 2 years and it feels so fresh.

  • lorlifi
    lorlifi 7 days ago

    I had a friend of 5 years, last year we got really close and enjoyed each other’s company. Three weeks ago he ended our friendship through social media, not eye to eye due to some misunderstanding and disbelief. I both miss this friend but I’m moving on... I will never treat anyone like that, since I believe in treating others like you would like to be treated.
    Everyone else who’s watching this as well, please take care 💕

    • account online
      account online 3 days ago

      Who help me to bring my lover back

    • account online
      account online 3 days ago

      I can recommend you to this great powerful spell caster

    • account online
      account online 3 days ago

      That's really bad for you my dear friend

  • Zhane Antionette
    Zhane Antionette 7 days ago +1

    I’m the one who made the mistake and was left. I really wish she forgives me and we reconcile but I have to hold myself accountable for my actions as well

  • Eric Goldstein
    Eric Goldstein 8 days ago

    The talk gave me some really nice anchors and did actually help me to to start to let go and move on - but man, did anyone else think that his delivery and way of talking was over the top annoying? Felt like he was trying to impress, school and dominate his audience to prepare a pickup for later.

  • shilpa miriam
    shilpa miriam 8 days ago

    heel soon everyone including me

  • Filmed By Jay
    Filmed By Jay 8 days ago

    I personally have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, the episodes I get worse and worse each time and the episodes are just a range of times, it hate being vulnerable cause when they are in my life it feels as tho they now have a switch to the ability to trigger an episode, i gave so much of myself and it’s just deep pain at the end of the day now. I love someone as deep as I can when I love them it hurts so much. My ex and I broke up for mutual issues but I’m not mad I’m just hurt I’m just sad I miss my ex so much I simply feel as if a part of me is gone and a chapter closed prematurely

  • Filmed By Jay
    Filmed By Jay 8 days ago

    I can’t get over my ex it’s just there

  • Absolute Person
    Absolute Person 8 days ago

    It hurts

  • Lightningmonky 7
    Lightningmonky 7 8 days ago

    I'm stuck in step 2 and I wish I could stop it so I can make my current gf more happy

  • Yagami
    Yagami 9 days ago

    This was so helpful thank you so much

  • Rafael Faria-Lopes
    Rafael Faria-Lopes 9 days ago

    weird it’s not weird
    I’m drawn to her from the beginning
    My mind never stops it’s sprinting
    Part of me was begging to let her in
    But that part of me didn’t end up winning
    She saw through me and didn’t run
    Through clouds of mine she saw the sun
    Should have cut my inhibition but now it’s done
    Cause it’s weird it’s not weird
    That I need her to be here
    I’ve been aching for the love that I had won
    I tried to keep control
    But I needed help to steer
    She was perfect but it didn’t match my fear
    Now that I let you go
    I’m dying to have you in
    I’m ready to be the guy I should have been
    you saw me better than I see myself

  • Diana Pop
    Diana Pop 9 days ago

    This is exactly what I needed ❤️🌱

  • Star Fire
    Star Fire 9 days ago +3

    Rejection & the feeling of being taken for granted is what feels worst to me.

  • Cherry
    Cherry 9 days ago

    What do you do when you were the bad person in the relationship. You are the one who ruined everything. How do you get over that guilt, how do you ever stop regretting. Can someone over hear just be my friend please i really need people to talk to I have no one..

  • Mahsa Jahanbakhsh
    Mahsa Jahanbakhsh 9 days ago

    My partner of 5 years just dumped me an hour ago. Feeling so broken. I need somebody to talk. Anybody? 😭

    • The Ladslade
      The Ladslade 6 days ago

      try to do 1 thing that makes you happy in a day even its for 5 sec before the tym when you with him/her and day 2 try to do 2 things and continue this numbers by the numbers of the day, hope it will work

    • citlallimtnz
      citlallimtnz 7 days ago

      Mahsa Jahanbakhsh it’s been a years and I’m still here. I can’t imagine years of a relationship. I just saw a photo of him going out with someone and I should be over it by now but I’m not.
      Wish I can just skip to the future where I am not in pain.
      Hope you recover sooner than me. We deserve better

    • Mahsa Jahanbakhsh
      Mahsa Jahanbakhsh 8 days ago

      rebellos00 thank you for your advice. I’m sorry for what happened to you. It’s the worst feeling ever. I really can’t stop crying.

    • rebellos00
      rebellos00 8 days ago

      yesterday was the same for me but 8 years. the best thing is remove everything that makes you think of him/her just like a bandage.made me cry everytime i taught of her. Good luck!

  • Jay Valentíne3x
    Jay Valentíne3x 10 days ago

    Moving on is hard knowing that u for sure was goin to have kids and a beautiful family with that person and then everting crumbles over one argument and you’ve done almost everything in the world with that person and then you have too start over with a whole new person 😣😔😢

  • DJ Panras oldSchoolDJmaster

    He mostly explained why there’s no real solution to getting over a break up but through time.. I’m telling you, if you went through what i been through deeply then it takes more than this video to get over it. Everything he said just explains why you can’t over it in the first place . Not his intention but that’s what I got. Basically, the scares won’t heal unless you do the things you love as much as this person or really look at more videos about break ups until you get different perspectives to heal the process

  • Dylan _100savage
    Dylan _100savage 10 days ago

    Recently I have had a breakup. I find out I wasn't what she wanted after she liked me.

  • Greg H
    Greg H 10 days ago

    The undeclared promises is what’s hurting me right now. It could have been forever and for now it isn’t. I’m still hopeful.

  • Oliver Vincent
    Oliver Vincent 10 days ago

    It's really hard to speak about what's going on right now, but I have to start somewhere, I guess.. Recently, I have been going through many, many emotional barriers, life choices and so on, and it just seems like everything is against me. I'm two years in university and all the friends I've made the first year have dropped out, never to be seen again. Just yesterday, a huge part of my life left me, she was my best friend and somebody I have come to love with all I have to offer. She needed the space, but of course, the first option is a new boy. She keeps it behind my back, tells me so many good things and how much she will miss us, to then later having hours of calls with this new boy just like we used to do. It hurts to she her sharing so much with this other person, I feel replaced. I feel lonely, and I have no friends to count on, just like she does. I have been having so many dark thoughts lately and I can't cope anymore. I had so much to offer, I was always there, I gave her love, attention and a shoulder to cry on when nobody else was there for her, and yes, I am proud of what I did. I just feel like I have nothing left to give anymore, I feel drained and I just need somebody to talk to, new friends, somebody that can understand me, I can't take this anymore...

  • Diana Mendez
    Diana Mendez 11 days ago

    my story is kinds crazy and I don’t know if anyone can really relate. I fell in love with someone who i don’t know. let me explain...
    he was my coworker, at first we started out as friends, like we would hang out, go out as friends, and everything was fine. but little by little he started flirting with me and starting saying how he felt something for me but yk lowkey. but he would also tell me that he doesn’t wanna fall in love with anyone. he is scared. but i was falling deeper with him. we would have talks, endless late night calls, talk about anything and anyone. text everyday, and everything was great. but he does stop and always come back. and i shouldn’t let him in but I do, and why? because i don’t know my self worth, and that kills me. I’m in love with him, because I don’t know him nor myself. I do wanna be with him, and I don’t know what to do.

  • Olivia Poole
    Olivia Poole 11 days ago +1

    It’s been a few weeks. We were together for 5 years and we are 24 and 25. I know we are young but it hurts. There was no infidelity just needs weren’t met on both sides. I just wish I was able to talk to him and got another chance. It’s been rough for awhile but I don’t know how to get through it. This was my first true love. I feel better and then all of a sudden I’m crying. He said he needs space and time to focus on himself. He will talk to me when he’s ready but how do you shut someone out you love.
    How do you remain strong? I don’t want to be sad

    • Rachel Green
      Rachel Green 3 days ago

      Olivia Poole I’m in a similar situation, stay strong, you will feel ok again 💜

  • Emokiriemi Abednego
    Emokiriemi Abednego 11 days ago +1

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  • ritika singh
    ritika singh 11 days ago

    6 years of togetherness and now everything just seems to be finished ,I am totally lost,I am not understanding what to do what step to take next, just trying to contact that one person whom I regarded as my life but every time I contact I only get ignored because i played the wrong part this time that's why he left me but I never intended to hurt him in any sense... I don't know how to convince him 😭

  • Neko Neko
    Neko Neko 11 days ago +3

    I broke up with my first love almost 1 year now but until now it still makes me anxious and cry. Why does it feel like this it makes my anxiety worst. and now reading all the comments here makes me want to cry moreeee

  • Hazelle Atendido
    Hazelle Atendido 12 days ago +2

    Its almost 3 months and I still feel like it happened yesterday. 😢

  • Jenny P
    Jenny P 12 days ago +1

    What's painful is the other person telling you they love you but at the same time requesting time apart to think things.🥺

  • Tequita Campbell
    Tequita Campbell 12 days ago +3

    I'm so hurt I'm having chest pains can't eat and sleep don't want to be around anyone mad and bitter 😪😪😪💔💔💔🙏🙏🙏🙏

  • Ariana Calderon
    Ariana Calderon 12 days ago

    Okay RU-clip okay, I’ll watch it, dang.

  • Deliciouslyme
    Deliciouslyme 13 days ago

    Broken up - its day 15, after what was longest relationship for both of us and the deepest. We still can’t imagine our lives without the other. I’m trying to deal with it all one step at a time but I have to say this really helped. Wish Dr Antonio Pascual-Leone was my therapist right now, I know I’d get over this faster!

  • Chrome Book
    Chrome Book 13 days ago

    find happiness in god