Tap to unmute

Why domestic violence victims don't leave | Leslie Morgan Steiner

Share
Embed
  • Published on Jan 24, 2013
  • Leslie Morgan Steiner was in "crazy love" -- that is, madly in love with a man who routinely abused her and threatened her life. Steiner tells the dark story of her relationship, correcting misconceptions many people hold about victims of domestic violence, and explaining how we can all help break the silence. (Filmed at TEDxRainier.)
    TEDTalks is a daily video podcast of the best talks and performances from the TED Conference, where the world's leading thinkers and doers give the talk of their lives in 18 minutes (or less). Look for talks on Technology, Entertainment and Design -- plus science, business, global issues, the arts and much more.
    Find closed captions and translated subtitles in many languages at www.ted.com/translate
    Follow TED news on Twitter: tednews
    Like TED on Facebook: TED
    Subscribe to our channel: ru-clip.com/user/TEDtalksD...

Comments • 8 993

  • Sabrina
    Sabrina Year ago +1500

    One thing she left out. Abusers always make you feel like its your fault and you are the crazy one.

    • Praxy M92
      Praxy M92 5 hours ago

      @Carol Dorsey true

    • Carol Dorsey
      Carol Dorsey 13 hours ago +1

      And they often lie about you to your family !

    • Praxy M92
      Praxy M92 2 days ago

      Or that you are an overthinker

    • Courtney Michelle
      Courtney Michelle 4 days ago +1

      @Gemma Wilson that’s what happened to me when I would go to see a doctor, he insisted that he be in the patient room and speak "for me" when she would ask questions. I’m not sure why any of them did not contact someone or give me resources for getting help with getting away from an abuser that would do everything for me because he felt I was weak minded and could not handle doing anything for myself. I have anxiety and adhd which are now managed with therapy, using coping skills along with the medications. I had situational depressive episodes a few times in my past but now that I’m free and not blinded by my so called love of my life, I’m a survivor forever altered but it’s really turned my life into a better life with my relationships in general.

    • Courtney Michelle
      Courtney Michelle 4 days ago +1

      @Odianis Fernandez valdes I’m really empathetic to your situation, as that happened to me as well. It’s really sad how many people who have never been the victim in a relationship that isolates you from everything and everyone you love and care about. These insensitive jerks must be called out in some way because not everyone has outer bruises, they have been altered for life from the internal bruises caused from manipulation and isolation of the partner’s family and friends.
      I truly hope your a survivor now and that your life is yours to make choices on your own, without someone try to make you feel as though you are less than. You deserve the best in life for your future. Odor sharing your life’s struggles to make a point to selfish people who use victim-shaming to make themselves feel powerful.

  • T
    T 3 months ago +318

    "Tell everyone, abuse only survives in silence" so true🧡

    • Carol Dorsey
      Carol Dorsey 14 hours ago

      Not until after you are safely away from the abusive situation.

    • Caroline Pua
      Caroline Pua 9 days ago

      @Cynthia Sammons I realize you wrote this 4 months ago. How are you doing? I hope he is treating you better.

    • Anna K
      Anna K 2 months ago +2

      someone told me about abuse, I listened, acknowledge and promised to be there even if only as a help in moving to another apartment. Nothing happened but now this person is not looking at me or pick up on this subject... i feel like i was used and played in moment of her weakness and now alienated because i know the truth

    • Olivia drinkwine
      Olivia drinkwine 2 months ago +4

      @Cynthia Sammons first off you are not a fool it's hard leaving a domestic violence situation. I've personally never been in one (at least with a partner). But it's not your fault and I'm here to listen if needed.

    • Cynthia Sammons
      Cynthia Sammons 2 months ago +6

      I tell but still no one wants to listen. My father was an abuser to his daughters we told no one listen.
      My first husband I thought was mean to me and abusive.
      My second husband is the real thing was I wrong about my first husband.
      My second husband knows everything about my life.
      So he uses my Father’s abuse and what Went down between my ex husband and I. As his excuse for his for his anger and behavior toward me.
      I’m still married to him because He has mental issues I love him. Want to take care of him.
      I’m a fool.

  • No One
    No One 11 months ago +652

    " Domestic violence happens to everyone, all races, all religions , all income and educational levels " 👏👏👏👏👏

    • Caroline Pua
      Caroline Pua 9 days ago

      @Janet Pattison oh my gosh this seems absolutely brutal. Indian women are so beautiful and really do not deserve to live this way. I hope changes will come for the better for all.

    • Jesus IsLord
      Jesus IsLord 10 days ago +1

      Both genders as well, let's be honest finally.

    • MWisdom1986 Wisdom
      MWisdom1986 Wisdom 22 days ago +1

      NO IT DOESN'T HAPPEN TO EVERYONE.

    • Nihil Istic
      Nihil Istic 25 days ago +1

      and both sexes as well

    • Julie Levinge
      Julie Levinge Month ago +1

      Absolutely ✊♥️

  • Tania Roberts
    Tania Roberts 4 months ago +144

    In my experience, domestic violence is a cycle. A husband attacks, is sorry, and in that sorrow you get a glimpse of the man you love. Then the tension starts and the violence is repeated. By the time you are battered, you have no friends, no job and are trapped in the destructive circle of trying to please the impossible. Nothing you ever do will be right, so round and round you go until something breaks. Die or find the strength from somewhere to get out.

    • Truth Seeker
      Truth Seeker 2 days ago

      @Nita Lightell Please don´t give up! There must be a shelter for abused women where you live. Try everything possible to get away. The abuse is destroying your soul and you are a precious human being worth to be loved! I suppose you have a phone? Call help lines for women and help lines for victims of violence when your abuser is not at home - they can advise you where to go or whom to speak to for getting help.
      1000s of women are in the same situation as you. Don´t feel ashamed - the shame is on your abuser. Don´t worry because his family don´t believe you - that´s also typical. The narcissistic abuser is able to manipulate everybody in believing and liking him.
      If you go to church - talk to your pastor/priest.
      Research on the internet where you can get help. Try to look for support groups of domestic violence.
      Do everything to find a place to be save. It IS possible although at the moment everything looks hopeless. Please don´t give up! I wish you all the best, may God bless you and help you escaping from this situation!

    • Nita Lightell
      Nita Lightell 15 days ago +3

      @LAUREN BATSON my partner, if you even want to call him that, has his three grown children, and other members of his family convince that I am crazy. I don't know anyone here that except the very people that don't believe a damn word I say. It's horrible. I spend most of my time in a dissociated state of mind

    • Nita Lightell
      Nita Lightell 15 days ago +2

      Yes. That's my situation. Add to that my age, being disabled, very little money, and no place that has room. It terrifies me that the only place I have to go right now is the streets. So I just stay back in my room, which serves as my domestic violence shelter 💔😞😭

    • Jambony Figeroa
      Jambony Figeroa 18 days ago

      @LAUREN BATSON agree

    • LAUREN BATSON
      LAUREN BATSON 19 days ago +5

      Emotional abuse isn't cyclical. It's daily. And you don't even get a honeymoon phase, because the abusive behavior is never acknowledged to have taken place. Or it happened, but it wasn't that bad.

  • Jenica
    Jenica Month ago +44

    My best friend finally got enough courage to pack her bags and leave her abusive husband. He shot her to death before she reached the door. If you are in an abusive relationship please make a safe plan to leave and never speak a word of it to him. Leave when he is not home and never go back. The most dangerous thing you can do is let him know you want to leave

    • Matthew Salvador
      Matthew Salvador 3 days ago

      Make sure there is no trace of you on social media. If staying with parents make sure doors windows and such are barred up with camera systems. And consistently change your number. And have hope that person will stop. Knowing they can’t have what they had before. They move on to another which in my case she married and karma is still biting her in the butt. I thank god that it finished after 14 years of being together. Tho she may have won the battle and the war she didn’t get my wil l to move forward and experience my new life in a whole light.

    • Pk Patterson
      Pk Patterson 10 days ago +4

      I totally agree. Have a plan, be smart....

  • strangedazey
    strangedazey Year ago +516

    My cousin was killed by her husband. She ran away and he followed her. Killed her, the friends that were hiding her, and then himself.
    Don't doubt yourself, get out while you can and never look back. If you even have to wonder if it's abuse, it is.
    Be careful and stay safe.

    • Alexandru Gheorghe
      Alexandru Gheorghe 4 days ago

      @Brando ninonino

    • Brando
      Brando 6 days ago

      Did she cheat or something

    • Karen Inman
      Karen Inman Month ago +6

      The problem is,if u have nowhere to go and then u leave the abuse for straight up homelessness

    • REAL LIVES MATTER. REEL LIVES KILL.
      REAL LIVES MATTER. REEL LIVES KILL. Month ago +2

      @Myyy World it's a bot

    • Sharon Stone
      Sharon Stone Month ago +3

      It's easy to say get out when you aren't the one in the situation. Abusers know how to trap their victims. And yes, you are risking your life by leaving. So if that's a threat, sometimes it feels easier to stay and put up with it. My story doesn't seem as bad as the lady in the video. But it's still abuse and it's really hard to make a good decision when you're so emotional. I like what she said. I wasn't talking about me. I was talking about you. 1 in 3 women experience abuse at some time in their lives. Tell me, anyone hear not ever been abused?

  • kristen louise
    kristen louise Year ago +537

    Those who haven't been in an abusive relationship won't get it. The person u are with slowly breaks u and makes u feel crazy. It is complicated but THE ONLY way to be happy is to LEAVE. Anyone going through this U CAN BE HAPPY and you will. U have to get away from this person for good as hard as it is emotionally.

    • Marcos Martinez
      Marcos Martinez Day ago +1

      @Alexandru Gheorghe Oh, honey, we ALL could use therapy. There should be no stigma to it.

    • Alexandru Gheorghe
      Alexandru Gheorghe 4 days ago

      @Marcos Martinez you've a problem. Get therapy

    • Nihil Istic
      Nihil Istic 9 days ago

      @Marcos Martinez people aren't always logical - it seems there are some people that self-criticise a lot and this can enter a spectrum which includes low self-esteem - there are others who never self-criticise - they will literally lie and steal and use their own children to hurt their partner (common tactic among women) and still look you straight in the face and accuse you of doing wrong things - when you get two people of these two behaviours together the selfish partner can really drive the self-esteem of the other for years before they finally realise they've done nothing wrong - and during this space of time the abuse grows, so at first the self-critical partner thinks it's going to be alright in the end.

    • Marcos Martinez
      Marcos Martinez 10 days ago +1

      @leeleeturn I'm not the friend my dearest turn to for pat consoling and sounding-board, echoed sentiment. As an empathetic yet subjective gay best friend to numerous individuals, women and men, my ear and subsequent advice is sincere and, often, related in words that respect the idea I have of my friend. Chiefly, that they have worth and, when truthful with themself, know better and deserve better. If our idea of hearing a friend, or stranger's, being abused is to simply commiserate and NOT help them snap out of their victimhood, and we say that only women can get how other women are ipso facto victims, I have to worry about the strides we made towards women's accountability and their agency and autonomy.

    • Marcos Martinez
      Marcos Martinez 10 days ago +1

      It seems the back and forth exchanged between me and others has been excised as possible bullying and dismissible callousness or sexism. This was NEVER my intention. Rather, I wished to make it clear that sentimental, borderline-excusatory anecdotes about a person's abuse and the preciousness of their circumstance (and, how that makes their experience wholly-subjective and unassailable as being culpable in their role as prey) is disingenuous and - more alarming - dangerous when it comes to current abuse identifiers and those victims apt to find themselves stuck in a repetitious pattern of abusive relationships. We have to allow ourselves, victims and allies, the room to discuss how we allowed ourselves to be prey, after the first attack... how we confused abuse with love and affection to the point we excuse our predators and then tell ourselves and others lies. During and after. My earlier responses were aghast at the romanticizing of the survived abuse and the prey's mindset during. The delusion and gaslighting. I only wished to shine the light on how our choices and esteem mean being accountable and forthright about our worth and knowledge that... NEVER AGAIN! :)

  • Martine Nyx - Film & Stuff

    Up until now I have been feeling soooo stupid and so, so ashamed of myself for having let a guy like that treat me like this. I graduated with honors from NYU, I battled countless challenges in my life, I have always prided myself with being a strong, independent woman. And it's just like you said! He just looked so sweet. He had a forever-16 face. He used to idolize me in the early stages of our relationship. And then this happened to me and, even worse, I LET it happen. I am so relieved to see how it really works. As with everything else that happened in the relationship, I felt guilty for everything. On the road to recovery now.

    • Marcos Martinez
      Marcos Martinez 15 days ago +1

      @Tigee Chan Not at all. Making sure they and others like them see their culpability and recognize patterns and behaviors, including their own, to make sure this doesn't happen again? Absolutely.

    • Tigee Chan
      Tigee Chan 17 days ago

      @Marcos Martinez You are blaming the victim. You are wrong.

    • Kelsey Arrington
      Kelsey Arrington Month ago

      I think about this a lot. I love myself and i just wondered that if i love myself then why did I continue to be with someone who hurts me

    • Martine Nyx - Film & Stuff
      Martine Nyx - Film & Stuff Month ago +1

      @lisahall1989 I try my best

    • lisahall1989
      lisahall1989 Month ago +1

      I hope you are growing stronger everyday. 🌻

  • Anh Nguyen Hoai
    Anh Nguyen Hoai 2 years ago +3246

    My husband said he turned violent because I made him mad. And this was my fault for making him mad. I was confused once but now I understand that every act of violence is a choice, and I’m not responsible for his choice of actions.

    • International Entertainment Djs
      International Entertainment Djs 16 days ago

      YES, THE MOST RECEIVED SYMPTOM OF A PREDATOR IS THEY ARE (*** LIAR'S THEIFS CON-ARTISTS PRETENDER'S, ABUSER'S, CRIMINALS TOXIC PEOPLE FIT THIS DESCRIPTION....RIGHT??
      HAPPY SATURDAY...NOV.12, 2022
      I'M HOLDING ALL ABUSER'S IN MY LIFE ACCOUNTABLE FOR THEIR ACTIONS WITH LAW ENFORCEMENT AGENCIES, FBI FIELD OFFICE, INVESTIGATORS INVESTIGATIVE REPORTERS, POLICE, SHERIFF,DEA, SWAT TOO , 🙌 & MARINE,& MILITARY WARRIORS BACK UP... BECAUSE I ASK FOR HELP....
      PREDATORS, ABUSERS, CRIMINALS TOXIC PEOPLE NARCISSIST NARCISSISTIC ABUSERS ARE DANGEROUS....
      VERY VERY (*** DANGEROUS FOR YOU , YOUR CHILDREN, ✍️ & YOUR PETS AS WELL!!
      TRUST ME I WITNESSED IT AS A CHILD TILL MY MOM DIED...

    • VITKO MUSIC
      VITKO MUSIC 25 days ago

      He told you the truth.

    • Jambony Figeroa
      Jambony Figeroa 28 days ago

      Mine said the same and also blamed being drunk. He said if I turned him in he would harm himself and used that to manipulate the counselors I took him to.

    • Kathryn Cain Madsen
      Kathryn Cain Madsen 29 days ago

      This is a teenage excuse. Some people never grow past that. If a teen gets in trouble for something and they retaliate, and someone asks, they will say but she made me mad!

    • Watch & Pray
      Watch & Pray Month ago +1

      @Jaiyeola Olaribigbe I think that is true in most cases of domestic violence. The husband never grew up and is frustrated with the responsibility of a wife and children. Both spouses must be mature to have a good marriage.

  • Noa Sangma
    Noa Sangma Year ago +17

    Sometimes people who abuse you tend to spread false stories about you to make sure people don't believe your story when you'll disclose it

  • writerbethd
    writerbethd 3 months ago +58

    That part where she said she didn't think of herself as a victim; she was a strong, independent woman who was helping a troubled man...RELATEABLE. I cried, listening to that, because that, that was me. I thought my love would help him, would conquer all; I was wrong.
    So much of her story, sadly, sounded familiar.

    • Truth Seeker
      Truth Seeker 2 days ago

      Same here. When I escaped my abuser - literally running to the train with my baby to flee to another city while he had left the house, praying that he wouldn´t come home earlier - I felt totally guilty for not having been able to help him breaking free of his violent habits ..... it´s incredible how abusers mess with your head and prey on your love, your good heart and willingness to help.

    • Securetwo
      Securetwo 29 days ago +1

      Bless you!! I hope you are on a path to healing and a renewed life. Anything is possible, for you!! 🌞🕊

  • Anna Tolanigadi
    Anna Tolanigadi 6 months ago +40

    Met my ex at 19 yrs old. I’m now 24. Finally had the courage to leave today. Just keep in mind if he/she hits you once, they’ll do it again. Wish I realized this sooner, but I’m free and that’s what matters 🙏 Sending so much love to ALL domestic violence victims and those who are planning/ wanting to leave. We all deserve to be loved THE RIGHT WAY. ❤️

    • Susan Williams
      Susan Williams 2 days ago

      Stay far away from your d. They are cunning. Run Free!

    • Em
      Em 10 days ago

      You broke that trauma bond. Amazing

    • Sylvia Johnson
      Sylvia Johnson 12 days ago

      Be careful. Abusers often escalate when they lose control.

    • Nita Lightell
      Nita Lightell 15 days ago +1

      Please don't ever go back!! I did and now I'm trapped here with him. My bedroom serves as my domestic violence shelter. I'm completely hopeless and I pray to die every night before I go to sleep

    • Securetwo
      Securetwo 29 days ago

      And sending soo much love to you in you new path, healthy choices and renewed healthier life!!! It just gets better, bless you! 🙂🕊

  • James Leonard
    James Leonard Year ago +255

    This is a powerful TED Talk. What particularly stood out to me were two things: first, the demographics the presenter shared about how domestic violence victims transcend race, class, and sometimes gender. Second, how she explained the transition her first abusive husband demonstrated, from appearing to be someone who is sweet, smart, sensitive, and who'd overcome a history of abuse at the hands of his stepfather, to gradually acting abusive and violent toward her. Many people from the outside who've never been victims of domestic violence often judge victims by assuming they are weak or were stupid to choose a partner who would treat them so poorly. Little do they realize, the signs of an abuser are not always apparent for quite a while. And, abusive relationships are complicated because the abuser can behave nicely, lovingly, or generously part of the time, too. Plus, when you could lose financial control, child custody, or your life, it's harder to leave, change your name, hide your kids, and relocate.

    • lisahall1989
      lisahall1989 Month ago

      Exactly! Well said.

    • Devorah Linford
      Devorah Linford 2 months ago

      @Dana Newhall he doesn’t know where I live yet. But I’m waiting for him to break down my door.

    • Justa Germerican Girl
      Justa Germerican Girl 3 months ago +4

      Exactly. Some have no money or anywhere to go. Where are they gonna take the kids? And if he hunts them down? Some women are ready to leave on an emotional level; they physically & financially cannot.

    • Janet Pattison
      Janet Pattison 3 months ago +8

      EXACTLY…Men have the MONEY & the power. Most women who are murdered in the US, it’s by the husband or boyfriend….the danger is real! When getting into a relationship, Abusers will put on a good show until you’re trapped, as in married.

    • Zuzana Zuscinova
      Zuzana Zuscinova 11 months ago +9

      Key word: financial.

  • Rae Amelia
    Rae Amelia 7 years ago +10557

    The part where she said she didn't think of herself as a victim; she was a strong, independent woman who was helping a troubled man...I think I just woke up to my current situation.

    • T Lee M F
      T Lee M F 8 days ago

      This has just given me more clarity that the man I indeed struggled but refused to give up getting him out of my home and my life over a VERY DARK AND TROUBELING YEAR ...a year with no respect to the no contact order 🙄one really dies get exhausted calling police WVWRY DAY ...and constantly riddled with guilt because of the knowledge if his disastrous tragic heartbreaking childhood ....But my SURVIVAL instinct kicked in ..and I KNEW ...I KNEW I WOULD DIE if I stayed ..if I caved and let his now homeless skinny broken sprited near death sleeping outside at minus 30 Degrees interior B.C Canada....I was all he had ..no family no friends 😔 I was his only and I ALMOST COULD NOT STAY STRONG ....

    • Nice Girl Jenn
      Nice Girl Jenn 20 days ago

      ❤ been there. Get out and be vocal get all the help you can. All the best♥️♥️

    • Jove Bissonnette
      Jove Bissonnette 27 days ago

      That's really how I felt when I went through this. It really is.

    • lisahall1989
      lisahall1989 Month ago

      I hope you got out!

    • Chu Gon'doo
      Chu Gon'doo Month ago

      @SadisticCartoonGirl a0

  • JennLondon
    JennLondon 3 months ago +48

    This is my sister's story, too. Unfortunately, she and her husband hid his monstrous behaviour from us for over 20 years; we found out the real story after her death and we are devasted.

    • Nita Lightell
      Nita Lightell 15 days ago

      @William Zhao sometimes, there is nowhere to go except the streets. Right now that's my only option and I'm disabled and walk with a cane. I just stay back in my room as much as I can. People always say to get out. It's not as simple as that for some of us

    • Nita Lightell
      Nita Lightell 15 days ago

      I'm so sorry 😔💔😭

    • Shannonsayshi
      Shannonsayshi 22 days ago +1

      @Karen Inman you only feel like you’re unworthy of help or love bc of the abuse. It's not true. You are worthy. The ppl who love you would *not* want you to suffer... if someone was abusing one of your grandchildren you would do everything you could to protect them. YOU are worthy of the same love and protection ❤

    • William Zhao
      William Zhao 24 days ago +2

      @Karen Inman please don't feel that you are a burden to your loved ones. I can see how breaking your story can make you feel like dead weight to the people you love but I'm sure they will not ignore you for being a victim domestic violence and they are willing to help you out. The cost of staying with your abuser is way greater and the pain and harm will continue way longer than you see. No one close to you wants to see you harmed but you will need to break your silence to get help.
      Please realize that your life is valuable and any harm or violence done to you is never justifiable no matter how big or small the actions are. No abuse is ever okay.
      If you want to let someone know, I suggest calling in a discreet location where the abuser isn't aware. There are many hotlines out there ready to assist you and emergency services will be there to help you, there should be many out there. There is not shame in hiding suffering from domestic violence. Also, if your in immediate danger, please call 911.
      I know this is a long read but I hope you have the strength to pull yourself out of the situation. Sending prayers.

    • JennLondon
      JennLondon Month ago +4

      @Karen Inman You have to leave, they will support you

  • Darren Jackson
    Darren Jackson 10 months ago +30

    You don’t have to be silent no more ladies and gentlemen. Hurt people hurt people and you don’t have to go through abuse with anyone that treats you bad. May God be with you all

  • Carolyn J
    Carolyn J 5 months ago +56

    I loved this…I left my abusive relationship 6 months ago and thankfully I was able to get out safely. I like that she outlined the steps of abuse because I realize now that I was able to get out at the stage where he was introducing the threat of violence. He had a gun that he liked to flaunt and he had threatened to break my arm at one point. I didn’t know I was being abused because he had never laid a hand on me. This gave me clarity.

  • Amy Roucoulet
    Amy Roucoulet Year ago +63

    I'm 45 was in a violent relationship. Just fled out with the clothes on my back two weeks ago. I had to leave my cat behind but it was a life or death situation. We will send police to the house to get my kitty. I'm so sad with out her. I never thought at my age I would have to go through this. I'm alive and that's all that matters.

    • lisahall1989
      lisahall1989 Month ago

      So happy you got out! Keep growing stronger one day at a time. 🌻

    • The rookie
      The rookie Month ago

      Hope you are doing okay.

    • Amy Roucoulet
      Amy Roucoulet 2 months ago +4

      @gretchen I am in a much better place now. Thank you for asking

    • gretchen
      gretchen 2 months ago +1

      @Amy Roucoulet how are you today?

    • R5NDOM5
      R5NDOM5 3 months ago +2

      What gave you strength!? Glad u are out!? What happened to him? Did he groom you too!?

  • PoodleParti
    PoodleParti 3 years ago +3187

    I thought I wasn't with an abuser because I was doing everything to prevent them from getting mad. I didn't realize that that was abuse.

    • C B
      C B 4 months ago

      Adult child was our abuser

    • C B
      C B 4 months ago

      Our abuser is our adult child.
      She unsuccessfully tried to murder me and my husband in front of our grandson

    • Receyyyy
      Receyyyy 5 months ago

      ‼️

    • Hamish
      Hamish 5 months ago

      This comment is what I needed to read.

    • Marcos Martinez
      Marcos Martinez 6 months ago +1

      @Katty Kat Oooo... girl, where do you live and who are these people asking these questions? Damn.

  • Natalie Ellis
    Natalie Ellis 2 months ago +17

    She did such a great job. I like how she outlines how dangerous it is to leave your abuser. That’s something we never think about, but she went about it the right way to tell everyone so she had a support group looking out for her.

  • Mickie Erickson
    Mickie Erickson 11 months ago +63

    I was in a psychological, emotional, mental and financially abusive relationship. After I divorced him, I met a colleague at a CEU class, we are both nurses. Something about her allowed me to invite her to stay with me in my spare room if she needed to get away from her spouse. We were not the statistical 'abused wife'. We pursued our professional lives first and married in our early 40s. We are smart and at the top of our careers and trained in domestic violence. Yet here we were. She took me up on the invitation and we were roommates for 5 years, helping each other heal. She was finally able to let go (none of us marries to get divorced). Her counselor pointed out to her that she had denied her own values. This was a watershed moment for both of us. I'm sharing this long story to illustrate that it can happen to anyone. And, yes, this speaker has lived the DV course AND I can't stress enough to PAY ATTENTION to all of these clues. My point is KNOW YOUR VALUES and stick to them. We all have to take responsibility for the CHOICES THAT WE MAKE.

    • Nohmana Jabeen
      Nohmana Jabeen 10 months ago +2

      How to talk about domestic abuse by parents ?It felt like shaming own father and mother in front of the world .

  • Fabulosity77
    Fabulosity77 Year ago +72

    This is an eye open story. so many of us have suffered some type of violence, mental is the worst because you really don't know that you are being abused. Thank you for sharing your story.

  • Maria Sustaita
    Maria Sustaita Year ago +58

    This was excellent and described the step by step process abusers take as they begin their abuse process. I have a hunch that all those who disliked this video are abusers, they didn’t like being exposed.

    • Thomas Hanks
      Thomas Hanks 11 months ago

      Hello Maria, how are you doing today. I think you have a wonderful
      personality from reading a few comments here and would want to talk some more if that’s Ok with you. I’m a sailor by profession and look forward to sharing some experiences in regards to my job. I'm from USA. I wish you a Happy Christmas Thanks.

  • Jocelyn
    Jocelyn 11 months ago +41

    Thank you for sharing this story! Sadly it sounds all too familiar. Although I was not physically abused, my children and I were severely mentally and verbally and psychologically abused. (he was not as harsh to my son, as he was to me and my daughter) I did speak up and I did tell family and friends and it was difficult getting people to believe me, even family members. It was very well hidden and he knew how to deceive people in the public setting to make us look like a very happy family. Along with the verbal abuse, I was threatened to be killed in my sleep many times over..as well as my daughter- she told me this years later. I would wake up to him standing over me while I was sleeping. I swear he had "spies" everywhere...he would know conversations that me or the kids had throughout the day at work, school and home. I believe he had a tracker on my car, although I never did find one...but he would know every where I went throughout the day. Me and the kids rarely ever smiled and found it hard to laugh during those times...life was miserable for all of us. I was a shell of a person. We walked on eggshells every day, it was incredibly stressful to not say or do something to make him mad. I did muster up the courage one day to talk to a lawyer and after telling my story my lawyer was extremely scared for us to leave him, so she decided it best to do it when he was at work and that's what I did. I moved me and my kids out while he was at work and never looked back. We still have a lot of triggers, a lot of bad memories, and a lot to still work through with therapists. Its been about 6 years now and I am very happily remarried to the best husband ever and he treats me and my kids like gold.

    • J C
      J C 11 months ago +2

      My abuser wasn’t/isn’t very covert about his mistreatment of women, yet when I tried to explain no contact to family and friends they accused me of lying (or at the very least exaggerating; I wish I were exaggerating). Depressingly, denial is the strongest force I’ve seen. I now have minimal contact with most family and ‘friends’. The loneliness is excruciating and I have been burned so many times, I trust no one. BUT I would still never go back to the dysfunction of being abused by someone who is supposed to be loving and kind. Take care!

  • Kim
    Kim Month ago +7

    The part where she talks about make-up and what she was allowed to wear hit home. My first bf (decades ago) used to say 'it's because I love you'. He's married to a friend and the control escalated as far as I'm aware. I dodged more than a few bullets when he left me. Wishing all of you healthy relationships.

  • Andrea Rojas
    Andrea Rojas 11 months ago +15

    I remember watching this video on 2018, I give me courage to talk about the physical abuse I was living with my husband. Actually I run away from him to be safe with my 3 kids.

    • Marion
      Marion 6 days ago

      Well done, Andrea! I was able to leave him, when he started to hit our first child, age 2 then.

  • Nina Nicole
    Nina Nicole 9 months ago +29

    I love this. This is exactly what I’m doing now… so many years I’ve tried my hardest to hide the abuse… Now I’m telling everybody my story

  • Ellie Borak
    Ellie Borak 3 years ago +4088

    “Abuse thrives in silence”. Excellent. That statement sums it up.

    • :princess O* PD*💚of OR +girl pewdiepie de* pe* x*
      :princess O* PD*💚of OR +girl pewdiepie de* pe* x* 11 months ago

      Thanks! Josey Wales, from Josey Wales’ Truck Pulls. Logan Utah … aka “Karenville” Utah 😘 👑🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

    • CmaxEnergi
      CmaxEnergi 11 months ago

      I have a cousin who complained to everyone about her abusive husband. Fortunately she retained her own home after they got married, and she moved back into it. Then, finally, he divorced her...and she was FREE. However, she actually pursued him again, and now they are back together but not married. You'd think that once she was free, she would move on, but in her case all she wants to do is to keep hanging around her abuser and then complain to everyone about the abuse. I managed to get her to go to counseling thinking it would help, but she got into an argument with the counselor and stopped going. I bet the counselor told her something she did not want to hear. It's so sickening that I cut off communications with her. Too bad for her.

    • chai momma
      chai momma 11 months ago +1

      The entire world is being abused by the AntiChrist Patriarchy

    • Fiona GREGORY
      Fiona GREGORY 11 months ago

      @Som Yan equally*

    • cynthia keller
      cynthia keller 11 months ago

      @Steve Madden Unfortunately men and boys are the forgotten victims. Several mothers I knew when growing up where violent toward everyone around them, the very people they were supposed to love and protect. I saw nothing but hate spew from these women. One was a white collar professional alcoholic teacher, the other a housewife living in the projects. Different backgrounds but full of hate especially to their daughters. One girl grew up to face prison time, a prostitute, an alcoholic, and bore a son that has so many incapacitating emotional and mental issues. The other girl was also a prostitute and was into serious drug abuse. She is probably dead. Such sweet girls with no fault of their own were abused in every way possible.
      My own son was involved with an abusive woman. Had a child with her. He got away from her but she did as much damage as she could. Very calculated.

  • 18betz
    18betz 11 months ago +14

    I'm surprised she didn't speak very much about the cycle of "please forgive me, I'll never do it again", and then another beating. Any folks out there in an abusive relationship....my thoughts and best hopes to you. Be strong. Be of good courage.

  • Jan Ine
    Jan Ine Month ago +5

    40 plus years on and I still bear the emotional scars, (as well as the physical ones)..you are soooo right... we do need to talk about it, especially to our children.

  • LA C
    LA C 5 months ago +12

    I witnessed it in my family and experience the abuse as well. I tried so hard to tell people. I tried reporting it. I tried telling teachers. No one took me seriously. The people who we pay to protect us don’t always protect the vulnerable

  • Catherine Thompson
    Catherine Thompson Year ago +47

    When trying to understand why leaving was so hard, why everyday I did everything to.please, to keep the peace, to mask the abuse from my family and friends. I asked my counselor why this behavior of mine continued though I knew inside it was absolutely pointless with the abuse continuing, his reply helped me understand so much about myself. He said when a pet, such as dog is beaten and abused daily he can often become more loyal, clinging to his masters side, eager to please with the hope that by doing so that today may be the day he will not be beaten or abused. How valuable these simple words became in helping me understand my behaviors. I pray for all victims of domestic violence eveyday, bless all.

    • Lydia Petra
      Lydia Petra Month ago +2

      Thanks for sharing.... very interesting point....not to mention for women there's the emotional bond.... which can be hard to break too...Best of wishes to you 🙋❤️

    • Fabian Kirchgessner
      Fabian Kirchgessner 4 months ago

      So its your fault that you didnt get away, as you let your primitive instincts take over instead of using your rational mind

    • Mary Smith
      Mary Smith 11 months ago +2

      You have a really good counselor.

  • teacup3133
    teacup3133 3 years ago +1885

    People stay in abusive relationships because abuse shreds any self respect you have. You cannot take action when you feel like a deflated balloon.

    • Esther Nsaka
      Esther Nsaka 13 days ago

      Wooooow,,,, this is it!

    • Deborah Robinson-Bozovic
      Deborah Robinson-Bozovic 21 day ago +1

      Teacup, don't forget to get support. Perhaps call a domestic violence hotline! Get more information! Set aside some money, papers, even clothes with a safe person. Start the process of making a plan! I did, and thank God I have something to fall back on!
      And pray!

    • skelley
      skelley 2 months ago +2

      @Violet wow. 27 years?!

    • Southern Kountry Roots
      Southern Kountry Roots 4 months ago +2

      Financial constraints as well

    • Regina Mills
      Regina Mills 5 months ago +2

      I feel that way today after being abused my my boyfriend. I feel so down.

  • Christopher Taylor
    Christopher Taylor 11 months ago +21

    I grew up in an physically and emotionally abusive Home. People who have never lived through it don't understand how much power the abuser has through manipulation and intimidation. You are Brave and wise.

  • TulsaBrit
    TulsaBrit Year ago +23

    My first husband hit me a week before we we’re getting married, I told my best friend and she dismissed it saying it’s probably the stress and it will all be okay. It wasn’t and we emigrated from England to Canada for his job, no family to support me and it got worse. I came from an abusive family and although I new it was wrong couldn’t figure out what to do. I eventually with the help of my father, who had left my abusive mother, had to secretly leave with my two children, I was terrified, I went back to England. Then the struggle began as I had no child support and no degree. There’s so much more to this story, but I just wanted to reiterate once an abuser, always an abuser, and yes tell people. More to the point challenge every person you are thinking of having a relationship with to bring out their true character, and don’t think with your emotions, base your decisions on the facts.

    • no taboos
      no taboos 2 months ago

      You are accountable for your poor decisions in life.

  • Beth Rademeyer
    Beth Rademeyer Month ago +4

    You explained this so well. I stayed for 15 years also not realising it was abuse. I was so trauma bonded and after I left is when he tried to kill me. Thank you for sharing your story ❤

  • Gina Wang
    Gina Wang 6 months ago +37

    I was 18 and in college when I first got hit by my boyfriend, and I knew there was something wrong with him not with me. Maybe because I had lived in a non violent environment, also maybe because he never told me he may have, so I didn’t feel responsible for him. But it still took me over a year to get rid of him. Why? It was slow, he was always asking for forgiveness and and giving gifts but what helped me was that he finally left for a trip to see his mother in Puerto Rico. I knew I was free and would never let him back in my life. Even though he tried. I just hid, told people to say they didn’t know where I was. I never saw him again. I felt lucky, I aborted the pregnancy knowing I could never have a child with a man like that. To be forever tied to a man like that with visitation rights? And even thinking that child would hit me someday with his genes? All this went thru my mind as I knew there was something wrong with this man and I didn’t want any of this wrongness in my life. But why did I waste my time with him? I was young and he was good looking. What helped me was no societal pressure to marry, the right to abortion and the environmental luck to be born in a nonviolent society as a youth! You must leave the first time he/she hits you!!

    • lisahall1989
      lisahall1989 Month ago

      Should have put the baby up for adoption. So many are unable to have children.

    • Janet Pattison
      Janet Pattison 3 months ago +3

      Glad u escaped! TY for sharing your story. 🌷🌸💕🌸🌷

  • Ashley Powers
    Ashley Powers 4 years ago +2442

    Women are not taught to just walk-away. We are taught to stay, work it out because the unknown is scary. We are taught that the things we have are so much more important than the way we feel.

    • bmo shareholder apple shareholder
      bmo shareholder apple shareholder 7 days ago

      @mrdojob that's right. And another thing, life is not like you see on those silly Hollywood sitcoms.

    • mrdojob
      mrdojob 7 days ago

      @bmo shareholder apple shareholder That's why it's important for a woman to be independent before shacking up with a guy.
      Far to often women seek out a men as a form of stability and when that happens they become very vulnerable as they depend on them.

    • CecilR
      CecilR 7 days ago

      @mrdojob absolutely agree.

    • P A
      P A 11 months ago

      Yes, Ashley!
      Absolutely!

    • bmo shareholder apple shareholder
      bmo shareholder apple shareholder 11 months ago

      @Vikkster Why isn't God helping those battered women?

  • Luise Sams
    Luise Sams 4 months ago +5

    This video opened my eyes.
    Because of it I found out, that I am in a relationsship with a man who abuses me. It is more hidden and mainly non-physical violence, but the story of how the relationship was built up is so very simmilar that I started to realize.
    Thank you very much! I appreciate your work! May GOD bless you.

    • Securetwo
      Securetwo 29 days ago +1

      @Luise Sams, hey, please be encouraged!! It's our emotional needs that cause us to do irrational things, even when we knoooow it. You have permission to have the best life possible, but it doesn't have to be an extreme wonderful right now, just a gentle Peace, greater stability, the validation of experiencing internal regulation. Those are some of the best gifts I experience and they're so rewarding. Bless you!!! 🙂🕊

    • Luise Sams
      Luise Sams 4 months ago +1

      @Analia Ramirez Thank you very much for your kind answer.
      I struggle a lot with the topic of joy and friends and I do self sabotage and criticise myself for having fun.
      I rationally know it but uncontiousely do the opposite.
      I am so glad for every single time eben someone tells me, because it helps me to get more selfaware.
      Thank you very much! You helped me. 🤗

    • Analia Ramirez
      Analia Ramirez 4 months ago +3

      You deserve a peaceful joyous life full of friends that lovingly support you and share life with you.
      Feel free to private message me.
      I got out of a domestic violence situation over 20 years ago. There is life plenty of life after this.

  • Jambony Figeroa
    Jambony Figeroa 28 days ago +2

    This made me cry for what she’s been through, and what I go through. That part where she said to end the silence, and where she said he held a gun to her head but also told her he loved her really got to me. It hurts to have someone tell you they loved you then hurt you physically and silence you.
    Also what she says about ppl asking why you don’t leave, that shaming that goes on- totally right.
    My husband assaulted me twice during my pregnancy, once directly at my stomach. He turned everyone against me even the counselors I took him to to get help for him (it was a condition of his assault on my terms). He would tell me he loved me but bring another woman into my bed every day and lie about it. That isn’t love.

  • Fa Tasleem
    Fa Tasleem Year ago +12

    Domestic violence thrives in silence.... This resonated with me as I suffered from childhood abuse.

  • Steph
    Steph 3 months ago +10

    Listening to you describe how you got free, revealing your truth!! I followed that exact path too. The outcomes couldn't be more different.
    You got support, love and care from. Friends and family.
    I lost everyone, friends, family. My children and I became isolated. Despite my husband being given a 7 year prison we remain alone. You're an inspiration, hopefully one day I'll have your strength.

    • Deborah Robinson-Bozovic
      Deborah Robinson-Bozovic 21 day ago

      Dearest Steph, I am so sorry! Sending love and prayers! We who have experienced manipulation and abuse are a force! You never know how your story can affect another! I've suffered narcissistic abuse over many years!
      They have many ways to isolate us from everyone, even our children! They tell lies and create flying monkeys who believe their deception! Eventually the truth will come out!
      But my Jesus has become a great lifesaver for me! Though I was alone in more ways than I can count, HE never left me or forsook me! HE promised to make all things new! And I found my hope in HIM! May you find comfort, hope and healing in HIM!
      BLESSINGS! 💞

    • lisahall1989
      lisahall1989 Month ago +2

      One day at a time and seek your strength in the holy Bible. That's where we need to be.

  • In your dreams
    In your dreams 11 months ago +37

    I’ve had 2 relationships ( in my younger years ) in which my partner hit me, but being an ornery woman , I hit back !!! I grew up watching my father beat my mother, and swore to myself at a very young age that I would NOT stand by and allow any man to beat me!. Been true to my self always, in this respect .

    • Marion
      Marion 6 days ago

      @TOO Black Of course SHE won, what else?

    • Lydia Petra
      Lydia Petra Month ago +1

      Iam very proud of you that you stood up for yourself! I hope and pray that you are ok!

    • Joshua Martinez
      Joshua Martinez 3 months ago

      @TOO Black Although i am curious too, it's best not to ask, man.

    • TOO Black
      TOO Black 10 months ago +1

      Who won the fight

  • Kristen Thompson
    Kristen Thompson 7 months ago +6

    My first relation with kids father was exactly the same situation she was in. I am so happy I am at peace with my husband now. Everyone deserves happiness, gentleness, and love.

  • Philip Donovan
    Philip Donovan Year ago +14

    This was a well displayed picture of abusive relationships dynamics. I have no doubt she will assist many with shining a spot light on their own domestic abuse situation. Bravo.

  • Barry McHugh
    Barry McHugh 3 months ago +4

    Brave woman & very inspirational to all females still struggling in an abusive relationship!

  • MSR
    MSR 3 years ago +2419

    “...because the final step in the domestic violence pattern is kill her.” I really wish everyone around me understood that.

    • skelley
      skelley 2 months ago +1

      @val whole other ballgame. That was your mother, not some of an abusive man you CHOSE to pursue a relationship with. I’m sorry you were stuck with such a dangerously, abusive mom.

    • Drive Your Own Car
      Drive Your Own Car 2 months ago

      Amen.

    • skelley
      skelley 2 months ago

      @BloomingFireHeart how long in the relationship does he do that? How did it get to that point. First date? First week? Why would he threaten to kill her if the abuser only saw her a couple of time before she ended it and ran?

    • skelley
      skelley 2 months ago +1

      But these women stay until it gets to the point. Women choose to continue a relationship with the signs all there. Listen I’m not trying to put the onus on the women but no one can control what someone else does but they can control in choosing to stay. The minute a man shows signs abuse is the time to run. People make
      Too many excuses to stay. They don’t get “trapped”. They enter that trap. And worse, they choose to bring children into their mess. Those are the victims of two selfish, dangerous and toxic parents. People have to start taking responsibility for their own choices.

    • Marcos Martinez
      Marcos Martinez 6 months ago

      They didn't? Perhaps because they weren't made privy?

  • Catherine NELSON
    Catherine NELSON Year ago +18

    I managed to get away from an abusive husband.
    Then I became a law enforcement officer!

  • Diann Whitaker
    Diann Whitaker Year ago +27

    I literally started crying when she pulled the gun out to talk about being threatened with murder by someone that you loved 😢. It was done to me 30 years ago and the police DID NOTHING!!!

    • lisahall1989
      lisahall1989 Month ago

      Wow! I'm glad you are ok.

    • Lydia Petra
      Lydia Petra Month ago +1

      Iam so sorry for the trauma....the pain and suffering....I hope and pray you are ok....🙋🙏❤️

  • Y R
    Y R Year ago +4

    I was abused in my marriage. All she says is so true. This was good to hear

  • Heather SPEARS
    Heather SPEARS 7 months ago +11

    So glad to know I'm not alone. One day I hope to get the strength she had. This has me in tears to know I'm not alone

    • Memento Vivere
      Memento Vivere 16 days ago

      You are not alone. There are also people out there that will help you.
      When you do reach out to people for help, do not let your partner know. This is your private info for you only.
      If you are leaving your partner, you will need a solid plan that your partner does not know anything about. This takes planning and is your way out. This can be done and others before you have done it. You will need the support of people you trust.
      All the best to you. You have the strength in you, waiting to be found

    • Securetwo
      Securetwo 29 days ago

      Bless you!! Here's to that day and a new start to a happier, empowered, and renewed life. Be wise, don't do it alone if you have sound support, and you can do this!! 🙂🙏🕊

  • A G
    A G Year ago +11

    Leslie, thank you so much. I'v never been in this situation but I cried so hard hearing your story. Your speech is moving and captivating. I am so sorry for what happened to you. You are so strong, I hope to be even a half as courageous in my life as you are. Wish you all the best

  • Speaking Survivor
    Speaking Survivor Month ago +3

    I was afraid to leave (though I tried MANY times) because of extreme fear. I eventually escaped after 4 years. Some people have to realize that leaving an abusive relationship ISN'T as easy as it seems.

  • Michele Pascoe
    Michele Pascoe Year ago +20

    Thank you for sharing. The book, "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft explains how caring people think differently from abusers and how they manipulate the court system, counsellors and anyone else who thinks like carer. We all need to educate ourselves about narcissism so we recognise it.
    Dr Les Carter's RU-clip channel highly recommended.

    • Michele Pascoe
      Michele Pascoe 2 months ago

      @Mishi Everyone is on a spectrum of narcissistic behaviour, whether one acts a bit selfishly at times at one end, or has NPD at the other end of the spectrum.
      Bullying/abusing others shows strong narcissistic tendencies. It doesn't mean that one has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but it shows a lack of empathy and a sense of entitlement which are pillars of narcissism. Get away from bullies and abusers .... don't waste time trying to fix them.

    • Mishi
      Mishi 2 months ago

      Not everyone who is abusive is a narcissist.

  • Mary Waweru
    Mary Waweru Year ago +30

    I went through this for 10 years. Pain that I’ll never forget full of scars

  • SweetSachiko20
    SweetSachiko20 3 years ago +1260

    When I was splitting with my ex husband, I was seeking advice from a police officer friend of mine and he said “I don’t care what he says or what he tries to make you think, NEVER be alone with him. Not even in a parked car at a shopping center. Nothing is private enough. Remember, he is a wounded dog and even wounded dogs bite their owners”. It saved my life. My ex tried everything to get me alone, even pointing out how public certain places were when technically they really weren’t.

    • Marcos Martinez
      Marcos Martinez 6 months ago

      @It Is Finished, Now time to Clean Up Private Girl... quit it.

    • Marcos Martinez
      Marcos Martinez 6 months ago +1

      @chai momma Suicide, no one cares. DV, plenty of folks care.

    • Marcos Martinez
      Marcos Martinez 6 months ago

      @ღ~buckwheat flowers~ღ I smell a stunt.

    • It Is Finished, Now time to Clean Up Private
      It Is Finished, Now time to Clean Up Private 8 months ago +1

      @Tamarahope77 in my state the burden of proof of aggravated assault lay on the victim. They use signaling or what is referred to as occult symbolism to send you a message, an example: you pull up to a traffic light opposite them and the out their hand in the shape of a gun towards you and do a trigger pull, but in my state you’d better have proof! The second time I reported it, I knew I was dismissed as my X could be charming, had a good job…. So I felt I was labeled crazy. I woke up 2 years later in the hospital and no one knew what had happened to me. Beware the dangers all of you. Please, your life could depend on it!
      Someone wax getting into my home and wrecking the place…. I had never had troubles before with anyone, and then after I left i was followed, harassed, threatened and it was an absolute nightmare.

    • It Is Finished, Now time to Clean Up Private
      It Is Finished, Now time to Clean Up Private 8 months ago +2

      Me too, I knew he’d spied on me when I’d left before then fast forward many years and the stalking became threatening my life. It was the weirdest most dangerous situation I have ever faced. They can be flat out dangerous…. Statically speaking such violence too often ends badly for the victim. I am now well armed, and he keeps his distance.

  • Dragons4Dummies
    Dragons4Dummies 3 months ago +1

    I feel like I was emotionally abused in my last relationship, but it got so heated that we pushed and slapped each other. I still blame myself for getting physical, for trying so hard to make things work after I crossed that line. I hope no one else ever has to go through the abuse cycle

    • Deandre Moye
      Deandre Moye 2 months ago

      I’m cryin bc the fact that I’m tired of doing it to the one I love I’m hurt bc I blacked out bc everything I tried to make sure she was okay I walk back forth to work pay bills it’s the attitude me feeling less of a man I hate myself for it and I’m admit it I’m prayin all these demons get away from me and make my relationship better😢

  • P. Marouf
    P. Marouf Year ago +10

    Yes: "he created the illusion that I was the dominant partner in the relationship". Exactly. They love everything about you, adore you and do EVERYTHING for you. It was a dream. I also am not "the typical victim". I'm outspoken, educated, have a good job, nobody would ever suspect anything. I seem strong and I am strong! I thought, strong enough to make it all work. I didn't know enough. I trusted him with my life, literally. It could've gone terribly wrong. Just fate and God intervened, I guess, otherwise I could've had the worst of fates.

  • Stories with Kate
    Stories with Kate 5 months ago +1

    That is so powerful. Thank you. Being a victim myself, this couldn't have provided me with more assurance and enlightenment. Thank you. 💕

  • Kathryn Cain Madsen
    Kathryn Cain Madsen 29 days ago +1

    I stayed for years in an emotionally abusive situation that on occasion was coercively violent. It wasn’t what seemed to me to be the cartoon version of domestic abuser so I never called it that. I also saw myself as the strong independent woman helping a troubled man. It took years for me to even acknowledge to myself it had happened. I was 17 when I met that 32 year old man and I thought I was so grown up. It took me 7 years to leave. I was isolated and gaslighted. Telling our stories are important. People need to understand it’s not a cartoon. I don’t even know who that young woman was.

  • Vijeta Bhati
    Vijeta Bhati 4 years ago +1512

    Domestic violence not only affect women but kids too. In worst way

    • Helena Lang
      Helena Lang 3 months ago

      @Dante I. victim blaming!

    • clifford5560
      clifford5560 6 months ago

      Definitely. Probably the reason why my relationships don’t last

    • sel rox
      sel rox 6 months ago +1

      As a kid who was abused by my father i confirm that. I cant trust any man, ever

    • John
      John 8 months ago +1

      When I was 9 years old my father tried to kill us but my mother went back to him after we were hiding at a motel for a couple weeks.

    • bmo shareholder apple shareholder
      bmo shareholder apple shareholder 11 months ago

      @Miss Noir in the shadow because when you are a kid, you are totally dependant on your parents.

  • 063631
    063631 10 months ago +2

    I grew up with domestic violence. My earliest memory of my father verbally and physically abusing my mother was when I was 8. My siblings and I would frequently defend our mother and block the blows. And our dad would more often than not stop when the children intervene. I know my father deserves all my resentment and the victim is not to blame, but I can't help resenting my mother. For staying in an abusive relationship and letting her children grow up in such an environment. And for making us feel guilty because we're the main reason she stayed. And then I hate myself for feeling this resentment. And so this video made me understand my mother more. So thank you.

  • Sarah Doan Peace
    Sarah Doan Peace Month ago +2

    Imho, the deserved a standing ovation! As a fellow DA Survivor I can relate. Got out 11 years ago this weekend and it remains one of the best, wisest and life saving decisions I’ve ever made!! One time is one time too many and they will do it again. When I was leaving the ex, I told everyone, too. You cannot judge unless or until you’ve been there. And yes it happens to men, too. Bravo to her for getting out and thank you for such a captivating, informative, concise, inspiring story of strength!

  • Erismiracle
    Erismiracle 9 months ago +5

    Been in an abusive relationship before and I cried listening to her story:(

  • BeRightBack
    BeRightBack 10 months ago +10

    The saddest thing of all is that most violence, abuse, trauma, injury, and even death is caused by a family, in your own home... the one place in the world where you should be most safe. 😢

    • Authentic Elli
      Authentic Elli 10 months ago +1

      That is truly sad. And unfortunately part of some peoples reality

  • girlperson1
    girlperson1 2 years ago +1400

    I walked away from my husband when he began physically abusing me and I never went back. I credit my father. From a very young age, my father taught me that a man who hits a woman is not a man. Those words have stuck with me throughout my life. I think all fathers should teach their daughters this lesson.

    • Gabriela B.
      Gabriela B. 16 days ago

      @Y 15 Your county has resources for women in this situation. Leave, for the sake of your children.

    • VITKO MUSIC
      VITKO MUSIC 25 days ago

      I feel sorry for your experience. However i am a man who suffers domestic abuse from a woman.

    • Julie Levinge
      Julie Levinge Month ago

      If you have a strong family supporting you, that helps a lot,but often you’ve already been isolated from family & friends long before violence starts.
      Trapped with nowhere to go & children to care for, each time is always the last,always so sorry.
      Nobody chooses to be trapped in this situation, empathy rather than asking” why don’t you leave” is far better, anyone in that situation needs your support & help.

    • Dan Quayles ITS SPELT POTATOE!
      Dan Quayles ITS SPELT POTATOE! Month ago

      I have noticed how victims of DV always manage to find a guy who ends up doing it! And have seen many cases of DV when the guy starts a new relationship no DV ever again but surprise her new bf becomes violent!
      Even dated a women who told me your the only guy never has hit me and I thought well I have extremely good restraint! Even tho she was violent! HMMM!

    • Corey Anderson
      Corey Anderson Month ago

      Some women have abusive fathers, too. In fact, women with abusive parents are much more likely to be with abusers as an adult because they are raised to believe that they're too sensitive, they're just imagining things, etc., etc...

  • UNbowed62
    UNbowed62 3 months ago +5

    ONCE you decide that you’re a person~worthy of a better life, that NO ONE is entitled to harm you~in any way, you keep that light bulb on forever.💡

  • Renee T
    Renee T Year ago +3

    This is one of the most concise, TRUE, description of domestic abuse, and the cycle that encapsulates it, that I've ever heard. This talk should be played on EVERY High School, heck, every Middle school, across the U.S. Better yet, worldwide. She is sooo on the mark, when she says that leaving and post leaving is the very most dangerous part of this situation. If you're in situation like this, know that while you're in for a very scary time ( most times) just after you leave, or while you're leaving? There IS PEACE on the other side. Blessed peace. Peace like you'll never forget. It takes strength to endure...it takes courage to get out. Even if you think you have NO ONE. Start talking..start telling everyone. SOMEONE WILL LISTEN AND HEAR YOU. SOMEONE WILL help you. You have to start the process, though and do it with conviction!!
    From someone who got out.

  • Amanda Dunagin
    Amanda Dunagin Year ago +6

    I was in a dv relationship in my early 20s. It started slow, progressing gradually. I went into denial insisting we had the perfect relationship. I went into self blame saying our relationship was great as long as I would stop making him mad. He painted this sort of "reality" where he claimed to be the victim and I was just crazy. I finally got out but I couldn't have done it alone. It took the state pressing criminal charges on him and my being without him and his delusions that I finally got to really see the picture. I'm glad the state pressed charges instead of waiting for me to do it because I think he would have killed me.

  • Mandy 喵喵
    Mandy 喵喵 Year ago +8

    I was 5 years in a mentally and physically abusive relationship myself, i was almost 18 years old he was 31, i left him when i was 23, my mom forced me to file a case against him and it took 6 months of building up a court case with the police, in the end he only went 3 days in jail and had 250hrs of community service and forced treatment for him being a alcoholic, the last time he heavy abused me was on my birthday 31 december because there was only enough physical proof and eye withnesses of that one day (and only a little proof still of 25 and 26 december first and second christmas day) all the other abuse he did over the years there wasn't enough proof for... right now he still stalks me, he even tried sabotaged our car that could have had us run into a heavy accident if we didn't notice fast enough that the wheels were twisted loose, (we noticed it on time on the highway) but yes there is no proof for the police that it is him, we know it was him but no proof is no case... now 12 years later he still stalks me and i don't know if it will ever stop.

  • Boryana Milenova
    Boryana Milenova 3 years ago +639

    This woman deserved a standing ovation for she spoke only truth.

    • Helena Lang
      Helena Lang 3 months ago

      @King Lion probably wife beaters themselves or want to be!

    • JezusChild
      JezusChild 5 months ago

      Amen!

    • Alexa Kearney
      Alexa Kearney 2 years ago +1

      This is 100% accurate.. I have experienced the same horrible relationship. Thank God we both left safely.

    • TAPriceCTR
      TAPriceCTR 2 years ago

      @Charlie Hunt do you feminists just spin a wheel of villains to randomly select which group you hate to blame? I understand why you'd assume sock accounts, basic projection... but of all groups why would you blame incels? They are the branch of the manosphere who'd most approve of this woman's message.
      Incels, BY DEFINITION, aren't committing domestic violence and as such have no reason to take this talk personally. Further more while they take psychological injury from the fact that they are rejected en mass, the real insult is that stacy would rather be with an abusive Chad than them. Incels would appreciate efforts to get women to stop dating abusers.
      If you want to presume a group of men for the ratio, it'd make much more sense to blame the PUAs. But here is a crazy thought, rather than just blindly brush off everyone who doesn't agree with you, maybe try GENUINELY LEARNING what other than (insert evil assumption here) could possibly motivate their disagreement.

    • TAPriceCTR
      TAPriceCTR 3 years ago +1

      Because she gendered a nongendered issue. The founder of the first domestic violence shelter for women Erin Pizzey said 2/3rds of the women in her shelter were AT LEAST as violent as the men they left.

  • Raelyn M
    Raelyn M 6 months ago +5

    The most important thing any survivor can leave with is their life.
    Many are terrified of how they will support themselves if they leave, if they will be shunned or if they will be able to "do it" without the help of the abuser financially and such... NO. It's always scary and it's always a struggle, but the only thing you can never replace is your LIFE. You can always get a new car, a new place, a new job... but you have ONE life and an abuser will escalate to taking that from you too if you don't get out.

  • Sangmorkuor Tetteh
    Sangmorkuor Tetteh 8 months ago +3

    The woman really gets it, in a manner that only victims understand.

  • Ruth O'Kelley
    Ruth O'Kelley Year ago +4

    Great revelations! My story would be different. I stayed with an abuser, not out of love, but fear of having to make a life on my own...as each of our 5 children were born. But as they grew up and I found that I had lost (over 17 yrs) all that I was or could have been...so I finally left! But, it was as difficult as I had imagined that it could be...to find my own sanity and build a new life. But, after many years, I did find a meaningful life, and can now look back thru the sadness and know that it was worth all the struggles, to be in a life that matters and is with safety and peace.

  • Cherry Vintage
    Cherry Vintage 11 months ago +7

    I was or still in the same abusive relationship. I called police 2 years back so physical violence is stopped. I still stay in this relationship knowing it's mentally abusive and exhaustive because I can't find my way out. I am living in a foreign country with my little daughter. I work full time, so he takes care of her until I come back. I am afraid how to manage everything when I am all alone here. I may get out one day. Except her, I don't have any light in my life to move forward in this life.

  • Kenneth Masters
    Kenneth Masters 6 months ago

    Great to hear you left, thank you for sharing.
    This is inspiring and helpful for us confused, trapped, and full of shame,
    I am so tired of feeling horrible for saying the truth,
    or being a villain for standing up for myself, by telling the truth.
    I finally woke up after last night, when her excuse to beat me,
    was because, i said " my chicken nuggets are spicy " and i said it to myself, she literally rose from her sleep to slap, hit, shove, and cause 4 hours of drama, and then literally threw away my food.
    Then this morning she though it would be justify to deprive me of sleep, because in her eyes, i woke her up and ruined her sleep.
    I refused to lay my hands on a woman and she takes full advantage of it, she even went as far as talking about my dead father, and saying it was my fault, and making up stories and reasons, she never even met my father.
    He died from a rare cancer, how insane is that to blame that on me and she never even met my father.
    I know now, there is no going lower,
    and i am done with her for good, because its never enough for abusers, I can tell in my heart of hearts, its not enough till she can get me to defend myself, and i don't intent to lower myself as human being for the sick games of an abusive person.
    Thank you for sharing and thank you all for reading.
    Thank God Almighty for giving me the strength and character,
    to never need to lay my hands on another person to feel big or powerful.
    Amen.

  • Tammy Speaks Up
    Tammy Speaks Up Year ago +28

    THIS MY STORY!!! Word by word, sentence by sentence ....

  • Angela Lopez
    Angela Lopez 7 months ago +1

    Thank you for sharing your story, Leslie. My daughter was abused by her husband, he did a concussion on her, yelling to her when she barely had the baby. (He did not get arrested, because she was not bleeding). Now the judge is giving him unsupervised visitation, and I am still really scared for my daughter and my granddaughter safety. He is a real abuser, and it seems as he is winning everything. He did the damage and the court want him around. In one of the visitations, he was coursing my daughter and using all types of profanity in front of the baby. He takes the baby for two and a half hours for three or four days, and we know he does not care about the baby. The system really sucks.
    I would like to share also that this guy was the sweetest at the beginning, and everyone loved him, we never thought he was a real demon. When he married her two years ago, he changed drastically. He used to blame my daughter for everything. He always, he would gaslighting her and she was scared until she got hit by him.

  • Natasha Dismuke
    Natasha Dismuke 2 months ago +1

    My husband set me up this way… my husband was so verbal and mentally abusive he had me to the point I wanted to take my life. After he pulled a gun to me I took him back. After he hurt our kids, it was time to go. So glad I made the decision for a cpo in March! Onward to healing!!!

  • Re-Rider Suzanne
    Re-Rider Suzanne 5 years ago +3980

    Domestic Abuse isn't always physical.

    • Re-Rider Suzanne
      Re-Rider Suzanne Month ago +1

      @blamthekaboom They make you doubt your entire being. They cause psychological trauma that takes much longer than a physical hit to get over. Those also cause psychological trauma.

    • Re-Rider Suzanne
      Re-Rider Suzanne Month ago

      @RetroBlue I know.

    • Methat lovesCats
      Methat lovesCats Month ago +1

      Yea it's verbal too

    • David Davis
      David Davis Month ago

      @Sonicz Forever seek help immediately and pack your bags and Flee when he leaves for work, after informing the local police...desperately attempt to muster up courage...good luck!

    • Re-Rider Suzanne
      Re-Rider Suzanne 2 months ago

      @Glamorouss that's awful. Can you talk to a higher up person or a woman's legal aid?

  • Taquita Mack
    Taquita Mack 7 months ago +3

    I can relate sooo bad I’m doing the samething trying to get where she at speaking my truth as well ❤️

  • Arlee Leonard
    Arlee Leonard Month ago

    Thank you for sharing your story. I’m sure you have helped awaken many women to their situations. I am a stand for the end of domestic violence. Blessings to you and to all those recovering, still struggling and passed on. Rest In Peace. 💖🙏🏽💖

  • Fran Pilch
    Fran Pilch 9 months ago +1

    Leslie's talk is right on. I love that she engages listeners to respond to those in crisis. If you are interested, my collaborative book "Domestic Violence: Tragedy and Hope" will give you perspectives of law enforcement, therapists, and a judge on this horrible problem. Thank you, Leslie.

  • Holiday
    Holiday  21 day ago +1

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am also a survivor of abuse. And yes the world needs to know. God bless you!

  • Aly Stone
    Aly Stone 3 years ago +2019

    If you’re out there watching this video and going through similar situations, you deserve better. I pray you get out safely🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

    • Securetwo
      Securetwo 29 days ago

      @Audrea Lambert PLEASE take heart, there IS always an answer!!!!! You were made for more and you absolutely can overcome anything you set yourself to. Healing and fulfillment to you and yours on this path!

    • Autumn Fink
      Autumn Fink 6 months ago +1

      Thank you

    • Kaiserin
      Kaiserin 7 months ago +1

      Thank you

    • Victoria Whit
      Victoria Whit 8 months ago +1

      Thank you

    • Food & Drug Administrator
      Food & Drug Administrator 8 months ago

      Read my comment and tell me if I’m right

  • Zane Ziah
    Zane Ziah 3 months ago +2

    Stumbled across this video after looking up abuse tactics. I’m a man in a relationship with a woman who is abusive. Not physically. But mentally. There’s nights that she won’t even let me sleep. Baiting me into fighting, only to then blameshift and make me seem like I’m the one causing it? She either stonewalls me, or talks over me to the point where I withdraw and don’t say anything. We have three children, one of which has special needs. I don’t know what to do. The past five months have been so hard. I’m not perfect, but I know wrong is wrong and right is right…

  • Karen Payne
    Karen Payne Year ago +4

    The process of leaving increases the risk of a woman (and possibly her children) of being killed by 70%. The abuser realizes that he has lost his power over his victim.
    Men need to stop accepting this behavior in their family members, their friends, their co-workers. They know. And turn a blind eye thinking it’s not their problem OR their business.
    The courts need to stop seeing women and children as second class citizens and everything possible should be done to protect the victims. Zack Stacy is a perfect example. He shouldn’t be walking the streets a free man; she is afraid that he will kill her. Gabby Petito is another example. There were so many red flags…so many.
    The next time you are in an employee meeting, look around you. One in three of the women in the room have been abused by someone that says they love her. This includes your sister, your daughter, your mom, your coworker.
    Be a part of the solution. Stop the silence.

  • Shayla Google
    Shayla Google Month ago

    Great Ted talk! I think its important to speak up and know the warning signs. How much love she had that she thought she was the only one who can help him. It's important to start the conversation..... You never know who you might help. Thank you for sharing your story.

  • Hermes SRT ♈
    Hermes SRT ♈ Year ago +8

    Exactly why I stayed in my daughter's life, showing her how a man should love a woman and open doors, pull chairs and listen to her. I also exemplify that by treating her mom with respect and love.

    • Hermes SRT ♈
      Hermes SRT ♈ 8 months ago +1

      @It Is Finished, Now time to Clean Up Private thanks for the acknowledgement God bless 🙏

    • It Is Finished, Now time to Clean Up Private
      It Is Finished, Now time to Clean Up Private 8 months ago

      You are a Great Father. Good parents are priceless!

    • Hermes SRT ♈
      Hermes SRT ♈ Year ago +4

      @mascara1888 that's why I said treating her right. Not pretending to in public and doing the opposite behind closed doors

    • mascara1888
      mascara1888 Year ago +4

      But just pulling out chairs isn't enough. My abusive ex loved putting on a show for others by doing those things but he was still extremely abusive.

  • janeyrevanescence12
    janeyrevanescence12 6 years ago +1478

    There is another sad answer to the question "why doesn't she just leave?". By the time the abuser starts intensifying their abuse, the victim has so much invested in the relationship; physically, spiritually, financially and emotionally. Breaking up a relationship is very hard because you've shared so much with somebody, even if the relationship is a toxic one.
    It happened to my mom. She's smart, funny, sweet and kind and she was trapped in an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage for 32 years. By the time her husband's abuse really got underway, she had two small children and was living in a foreign country as part of his job. When times were good, they were very good. He would surprise us with presents, took us on trips, told us how much he loved us and always sided with Mom whenever she and I argued. But he was also the man who criticized us, belittled us and made us feel worthless. He cheated on Mom twice with two of the women who worked for him. During one instance, he told my mom that he was going to leave her (this is when we were still living out of the states) and take her children away from her. Mom was horrified at that prospect and fought hard to keep her marriage and her children (who she loved more than anyone else). After they got their issues worked out, he and Mom were discussing renewing their vows.
    The first time Mom realized that the marriage was bad was after he had left her for a younger woman. Mom was heartbroken and, once again, tried everything to make the marriage work. It was during couple's therapy that the therapist pulled her aside and told her that she was in an abusive marriage. Like Ms. Steiner, Mom never believed that she was being abused and was shocked at the allegation that her husband and father of her two now-grown children had harmed her. But with time and counseling, she's accepted this and has moved on. She's now working her dream job and is now free. I'm very proud of her.
    The sad fact of the matter is that unless you've been through it yourself, you're never going to fully understand just what abuse does and why victims feel trapped and unable to escape.

    • lisahall1989
      lisahall1989 Month ago

      So happy for your Mom. 🌻

    • Lucy T-C
      Lucy T-C Month ago

      @Xian Zi clueless or perhaps just a jerk ?… definitely a jerk . may you get what you deserve - always

    • Dennisa Cleveland
      Dennisa Cleveland 11 months ago +2

      @Steve M You sound like an abuser! Don't expose yourself here. You are a disgrace!

    • Andrew Brendan
      Andrew Brendan Year ago +2

      Your opening paragraph perfectly fits what is going with a friend of mine of many years. I'm a guy who has been looking into options for my friend who is psychologically and verbally abused by her husband who treats her like a slave and ATM at the same time. I've offered suggestions (never said "Do this" or "Do that", just suggestions and without criticism) and have gone fact-finding and gotten information that might help my friend leave yet she keeps finding reasons to stay and some seem to be legitimate reasons, others not so much: her husband can't take care of his physical needs alone or cooking or cleaning (I say, that's his problem) ; the dogs will have to be re-homed. Too there's a house that's nearly paid off and the matters of transportation and work and where to live after leaving and how to pay for it. I would never have thought getting free of an abuser would be so complicated. I'm here for my friend and when she's ready to take the next step of leaving I'll do everything I can to assist.

    • QingYu Li
      QingYu Li Year ago +3

      @Crystal Oats Steve be thinking choking is one fine form of discipline

  • L. Bushukhina
    L. Bushukhina 11 months ago

    Спасибо за историю и за эту сильную речь, каждый голос против насилия важен. Особенно из-за такой успешной дальнейшей жизни Лесли этот пример разрушает стеоритотип о жертвах домашнего насилия

  • Lydia Petra
    Lydia Petra Month ago +1

    Thanks for this video.... thanks for sharing your abusive relationship.....I wish this video would be shown to young women in highschool and college.....so they can understand what abuse is and how to recognize the signs and get help...

  • Beverley Roper
    Beverley Roper Year ago +2

    I was in an almost twenty year relationship with a “man” that cheated, threatened, controlled, belittled, ridiculed, embarrassed me. He would break my things and even our daughters things and damage our home. He lied and was using hard drugs away from home and was accused of molesting my daughters friends. I believed them over him and he made life even worse,,, he controlled my every move and even made my daughters take pictures of me at home so he could be sure where I was when he was at work. The police didn’t even want to deal with him he’s psychotic and manipulative. I just decided one Christmas that I didn’t want to have to survive another year. I told him to leave and I didn’t want the relationship anymore. He threatened to kill me and said the police would have to use my fingerprints or dental records to identify my body because he was going to smash my face in with the coffee pot. I finally just said go ahead and do it already I’d rather die than be with you. I’m still enjoying my freedom and the peace I can now enjoy in my home.

    • Thomas Hanks
      Thomas Hanks 11 months ago

      Hello Beverley, how are you doing today. I think you have a wonderful
      personality from reading a few comments here and would want to talk some more if that’s Ok with you. I’m a sailor by profession and look forward to sharing some experiences in regards to my job. I'm from USA. I wish you a Happy Christmas Thanks.

  • resurgem
    resurgem 11 months ago +1

    When I was finally so terrified I had to go to a women's refuge, my abuser set fire to my house. Happy to say this was many years ago and I spent several years on my own before embarking on another very carefully chosen relationship.

  • Paula Langhoff
    Paula Langhoff 11 months ago +2

    Sometimes it's only about feeling trapped or afraid of the person, like when you are married to them. Fear is a huge motivator as to staying in a relationship where a partner is abusive. And when they do leave, the abuse won't necessarily stop if you have children together. Believe me, you can spend decades battling in court with a super charismatic ex-spouse only to be abused in the courts as well, because they ignored the truth including the perpetrator's history, psych profile, lies in court, witness testimonies and more. Abuse of any kind only destroys families. Many of us have survived and lost our families too, because no one believed the abused, but the abuser. If I had anyone around me to support me and help me report the abuse when it began, our lives would have all been very different. In the beginning, our relationship was built on lies. The first week after we married, I got al ist of all the things I was required to change to please him. Then the isolation of friends and family began. No one would believe abuse could have happened in our home. Abuse begins in the home long before adult life, when bad behavior is tolerated at a young age by parents and even by schools. If we don't train up our children in the way they should go that is God's ways, abuse will not stop. Broken people break other people. AS a society we have to do better.

  • Leal Mari
    Leal Mari 4 months ago

    Praying for safety and courage for those in this situation to leave when it is safe. Make a plan. There is life after abuse! I was fortunate enough to leave alive. Do it for your children if you have any. I never knew how much my ex mentally and a few times physically abused by oldest. I wish I would have left sooner. Stay safe!

  • Sealed In Time
    Sealed In Time 11 months ago

    This is such a beautiful video! I really have never thought of what you said...that you were a strong woman who was the only person able to save a troubled man. I've watched someone be that person all my life and it has had an effect on all of us. I always wondered why she never left and she said she held on for us. I feel grateful but at the same time wonder how life would have been if this cycle had been stopped.
    Thank you.

  • Sarah French
    Sarah French 5 months ago +3

    Domestic violence is unacceptable in any realtionship. It happened with my parents.

  • Carmen Walker
    Carmen Walker 11 months ago

    Thank you for sharing your story. I recently broke free from an abusive relationship and while it has been an emotional rollercoaster, I am rebuilding my life and have never been happier. Again, thank you.

  • lily
    lily Year ago +2

    No abuse is an isolated incident. If he hits you or otherwise abuses you once, it will happen again. Please remember that