Tap to unmute

Why Are Narcissists So Argumentative?

Share
Embed
  • Published on Nov 23, 2021
  • When difficulties or differences arise, healthy people dialogue cleanly, seeking clarity and understanding. Narcissists have not developed that skill. Armed with the notion that they must teach you a lesson, they go straight into the stubborn, argumentative mode. Dr. Les Carter describes how this works and how you are not required to play along with their dysfunction.

    Sign up for Dr. Carter's course Free to Be HERE:
    survivingnarcissism.tv/go/fre...
    Use the following coupon code to get 20% off Free To Be: FTBRU-clip20

    Dr. Carter's new course: This Is Me: Setting Boundaries With The Controllers In Your Life: survivingnarcissism.tv/this-i...

    Join our Community HERE: survivingnarcissism.tv/subscr...

    Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, Tx. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.

    If you are interested in online therapy, Dr. Carter has a sponsor who can assist. As the need is there, please seek the help you deserve: betterhelp.com/drcarter

    We receive commissions on referrals to BetterHelp. We only recommend services that we trust.

    Sign up for our email list and check out other videos, articles, webinars, quizzes, and more at our website: survivingnarcissism.tv
    Twitter: Surviving Narcissism @SNarcissism101
    Instagram: @survivingnarcissism101
    Tik Tok: www.tiktok.com/@survivingnarc...

    Dr. Carter's personal website: drlescarter.com/
    Dr. Carter's other RU-clip channel: ru-clip.com/user/drlescarter
    Bookstore: survivingnarcissism.tv/books-...
  • Film & AnimationFilm & Animation

Comments • 2 107

  • Lavender Raine
    Lavender Raine Month ago +291

    The most illuminating moment for me came when I had a sort of epiphany: I realised that I was dealing with an angry eight year old child in a man's body.

    • Carol Nahigian
      Carol Nahigian 16 days ago +1

      A 68 year old man acting like 2 year old at weddings, funerals& the Toxic Cousin very much resembles this.. Ugly dramas.

    • Matthew A Sanchez
      Matthew A Sanchez 17 days ago +1

      8 year-old is rather generous. The ones I've known are little toddlers in their high chairs.

    • Baileys & Ice
      Baileys & Ice 21 day ago +1

      Their immaturity and pettiness is second to none. They make themselves look so ridiculous and have no clue about it. Smh, how sad is that 🙄...

    • Nan ‘59
      Nan ‘59 24 days ago +1

      Yes!

    • Patricia Johnson
      Patricia Johnson 25 days ago +3

      Yes some of them even cause insurrections.

  • Simon
    Simon Month ago +710

    1) Talking over you.
    2) Dodging questions.
    3) Trying to put words into your mouth.
    4) Abruptly changing subject.
    5) Playing dumb.
    6) Expecting you to prove everything while they are required to prove nothing.
    7) Utilizing every logical fallacy in the book.
    Normal people argue to establish what's true and what isn't. Narcissists argue to wear down the other person until they give up through exhaustion.

    • Joy Peace
      Joy Peace 7 days ago

      Simon nailed it. I would add " they are predictable".

    • pelagic6
      pelagic6 10 days ago

      @Marshall Matthew Fan She belongs to the streets

    • Linda Moore
      Linda Moore 17 days ago

      @Joe Barcelona By your comment, I don't think you've dealt with a true narcissist. They don't have to agree. They won't refuse to listen, or consider any other side but their own and it's case closed, that's it, no discussion allowed, I'm right and you're wrong and besides all this you are just dumb and all your ideas and opinions are unintelligent. On and on they go. It's not a disagreement. It's all out war with a narcissist and they aim to totally destroy not only your opinions but destroy your self confidence. NO, it's not that they only disagree. It's they are right and that's that. They don't allow you to be you, cause they want to destroy you. It makes them feel superior. I've dealt with this 50 years and it's not just a disagreement to them.

    • Reagan Trump
      Reagan Trump 18 days ago +1

      Definitely to talking over... Between not letting me getting in a word edgewise, to, when I do, talking over me before I finish one sentence. And then everything else, you said..

    • Linda Moore
      Linda Moore 19 days ago +1

      @Lynne Fisk It's the same with me. No matter how much I try not to react, after a few weeks of ignoring him and his constant doing things to get me angry, I break down and react. As soon as I do... it's like a dam has burst and I let it all out, then... I'm sorry I didn't keep a rein on my tongue. I am able to keep from reacting for longer and longer periods of time. It's SO frustrating!!

  • Fred Karam
    Fred Karam Month ago +1084

    The best way to win the argument with narcissist is not to argue at all!

    • Joy Peace
      Joy Peace 7 days ago +1

      So true and simple, but not always easy. Takes a lot of self discipline.

    • Jan Jeny
      Jan Jeny 14 days ago +1

      @debi fambro this is very true debi and it works for you obeying the Lord. I do that every day but I feel pity for him because now we know a lot and we manouver his attacks and we are happier

    • Cynthia Christiansen
      Cynthia Christiansen 17 days ago

      @Diane Eberle yes, these people live so low the veil of consciousness, being so insecure, they are incapable of self reflection. Learning to be responsible for our own behaviors, without expectation of them changing theirs is the best we can do for ourselves. I have had to get therapy to learn how not to belittle, or feed into this vicim mode.

    • Diane Eberle
      Diane Eberle 17 days ago +1

      @Cynthia Christiansen I originally thought that was the biggest challenge. Now the narcissist I am dealing with has switched tactics. He’s stopped for the most part his usual tirades and acts to others like he is a victim. He lies about everything to friends, acquaintances and basically anyone who will listen and they feel sorry for him. I think he’s actually convinced himself of his own lies and thinks I am the one who has been doing things to him. I tell my daughter and she says, yes I know. She says it’s easier for other people to see what he’s doing who are not on the inside of it.

    • Cynthia Christiansen
      Cynthia Christiansen 17 days ago

      @Reagan Trump real-3Y3s is the first step to not engage. Have much practice to do myself. It is refreshing to hear others having the same difficulty. Thank you.

  • M Dee
    M Dee Month ago +281

    I always used to wonder why having a different opinion from Narcs was so threatening to them. It never made any sense to me. As a highly curious person, how is anyone supposed to learn something new, if you can't even have an intelligent conversation or discussion as to why someone thinks or feels the way they do??? Their errupting anger over any difference of opinion (& it can be over a benign topic) - was just baffling to me. Thanks for this wonderful description & explanation Dr. Carter!

    • M Dee
      M Dee 15 days ago +1

      @foxiefair123 - 😘 Dr. Carter has THE best community. His help has been invaluable to me & obviously, to so many others. The community here, has also been huge help - a source of strength💪, encouragement & compassionate empathy. It's so true that unless you've experienced this type of abuse, others don't "get it" or choose not to. Hugs to all here 🤗

    • Sean Cusack
      Sean Cusack 18 days ago

      They all have immensely fragile egos and, past a point of most petulant get reasonable people.

    • PuppetMaster
      PuppetMaster 20 days ago

      @MARSBELLA1 yes I know a lot of us are forced to be in close proximity with bullies!

    • foxiefair123
      foxiefair123 20 days ago +1

      @M Dee Wow! Thank you. Big air hugs to you, too.

    • MARSBELLA1
      MARSBELLA1 20 days ago

      @PuppetMaster What about disabled who are stuck with them - this is the road block many of us are facing. For me its CONSTANT. What keeps me going - rather ironically - is telling myself ''Im stronger'' - I dont know if I can live like this many more years. No contact is not an option when you re disabled... this problem is HUGE yet if you point it out on your own in the UK to state sponserred therapists its considered a tactic to avoid personal accountability. If no contact was an option - we who are stuck would have done it!!

  • Alina
    Alina Month ago +350

    So TRUE! My ex is the classic narcissistic bully. Always judgemental, always argumentative. I would call them "circle arguments"... going around and around in circles, never resolving anything. Dragging the past into every argument. He could never take responsibility for his own actions. Took many, many years, but finally free!

    • PuppetMaster
      PuppetMaster 11 days ago +2

      @hugh mc nicholl dude im a 10th dimensional wizard, I just interact with the local simpletons from time to time to let em know that they aren't completely worthless , i hate lying though

    • hugh mc nicholl
      hugh mc nicholl 11 days ago

      @PuppetMaster yes most now call themselves empaths 😂

    • hugh mc nicholl
      hugh mc nicholl 11 days ago

      That’s why I call them the merry go round people, and your brain go round too 🤷‍♂️

    • Reagan Trump
      Reagan Trump 18 days ago

      Yep, always circling back.

    • シ
       23 days ago +1

      *NARC FREE* is the best thing in the world.

  • JAS 67
    JAS 67 Month ago +313

    Every mole hill became a mountain, every disagreement became a fight to the death. Nothing was ever resolved just an endless circle that went around and around. So glad its over with.

    • Mrs Chef Yoda
      Mrs Chef Yoda 17 days ago

      @Matthew H at that point, I would of most likely went to the airport and bought her a 1 way ticket.

    • Murph Fouro
      Murph Fouro 23 days ago

      Good for you!!! 👏

    • Jolly
      Jolly Month ago +2

      Exactly, and I'm always on the lookout for their fiery darts without being anxious about it.

      Every time they release a new one, I find a way to turn their negativity into something positive in my life - a new accomplishment, an extra few hundred dollars saved, a nice new friend in my circle, a few pounds lost, a deeper spiritual understanding, a new state-of-the-art lawn mower, a day trip to a new museum, a veggie sushi roll for lunch, donating to a good charity, and so on.

      To put it another way, I always strive to make lemonade out of their lemons by taking care of myself or others. The best retribution is to have a successful life. They put negative things into the world, and I put positive ones. And, while knowing how to "duke it out," I only do so when I'm cornered.

    • Bunny Bubs
      Bunny Bubs Month ago +3

      @Matthew H it’s impossible not to argue with her. THIS

    • Maija Wickstrom
      Maija Wickstrom Month ago +2

      I think word salad is using secondary content (not specifically pertaining to the actual issue, aim or intent) lacking the ability to resolve or conclude the topic at hand.

      More like a brainstorm of associations which are hard for the listener to follow,

      and speaking to express the thread of thought, instead of focusing on the actual matter at hand and it can also simply be an inability to formulate an intuition.

      The trait of word salading is not exclusive to narcissists, neither is it a narcissistic trait per se, but often a result of two people not able to listen to the logic of the other, not agreeing on what argument should be understood or prioritized.

      Sometimes it may be about stalling unfavorable conclusions or unwillingness to understand the emotions of the other. A listener may also resist the significance of a solid argument, or admit being wrong but still expecting their emotional needs to be met, why the discussion transfers from the topic to the underlying factors, circling between these.

  • Angela KH
    Angela KH Month ago +157

    Thank you again, Dr. C.

    I was “raised” by one, married to one for 28 years, and now married to another for 10 years. Only in the last 18 months since my retirement have I had the free time to focus on myself and really learn what’s been going on in my life: why the constant lingering unhappiness, why the relationships that are so filled with pain, why I can’t ever seem to manage it or get ahead it. I never would have dreamed that I would FINALLY get the answers, learn so much, and feel so supported by RU-clip videos! Really? RU-clip videos?! But I am thankful for them every day, and yours is one of about five or six channels that I look at every day.

    Thank you, thank you, thank you for your wealth of caring, knowledge, and understanding that you share with the world. You are helping me change my life into something beautiful that has the potential to be more than I ever dreamed possible.

    • Arba Happihr
      Arba Happihr 17 days ago +1

      I have the same story. I was married 47 years, then 8 years and NOW all by myself for almost one year. Trying to be who I really am without punishment has been wonderful.
      I feel sorry for these mental people. They are losing out on a beautiful life.

    • Patricia Heaven Evans
      Patricia Heaven Evans 19 days ago

      @Kitteh well if it ain't narcy narc and the flying monkey bunch

    • Sharon Powell
      Sharon Powell 21 day ago +1

      @Kitteh Narcs see us coming. Being raised by one teaches us that the behaviour is 'normal'. My ex and my current BF both saw the vulnerability in me and latched on to it to feed. My only 'wrongdoing' was not to tell them to F*** Off at the first red flags. Yeah, I'm not perfect, who is, but my behaviour does not warrent the kind of outbursts and violence I have endured. Victim blaming is a narc tendency, beware!

    • Dee F
      Dee F 22 days ago +1

      Yep, it can take a lifetime of learning before we find out why these narc's are doing what they do. I still got yelled at by one yesterday and a thought I had that person handled. Time to re-watch the video, and learn I can't "win" the argument.

    • debi godsey
      debi godsey 23 days ago

      @Kitteh huh?

  • lifewithapurpose
    lifewithapurpose Month ago +427

    They are so argumentative: because they hate being *wrong* (almost beneath them to be so), but mainly due to the fact that they *hate* for YOU to be *right* 🙈 🙉 🙊

    • alexxdaye1
      alexxdaye1 20 days ago

      And they'll tell YOU that you can't stand being wrong!!!!! WOW!

    • E. Conboy
      E. Conboy Month ago

      @Patchouli Siamese OMG! aim so sorry for all the stress you have endured with this creature. I hope you are safe.

    • E. Conboy
      E. Conboy Month ago +1

      @D She That is the truth, it is what makes them feel in control. Like a train wreck waiting to happen.

    • E. Conboy
      E. Conboy Month ago

      @Patchouli Siamese I hope you are not in danger. Be mindful.

    • Robidu1973
      Robidu1973 Month ago +1

      @Paivy Martin Yupp, I've smelt the gas for ten miles against the wind.
      However, it's interesting to study their behaviorisms.

  • D'Anna D'Anna
    D'Anna D'Anna Month ago +389

    Thank you 😊 for clarifying the argument issue. I don't like or want to argue either! Recently went no contact with my sister and her family. Best decision I've made in a long time! I'm nearly 60 years old and really tired of being their scapegoat. No family left to make me pretend like I'm the person causing the problems. I guess you could say that I grew up in a fake world and I'm finally waking up from a nightmare.
    God bless and Happy Thanksgiving 🦃

    • Shenequa Kimbro
      Shenequa Kimbro 8 days ago +2

      @Jessica I suffered a long time because all my sister had to do was yell and I would shut down. She passed away in 2019 but I remember hurting where I had to stand up for myself. She would hide outside in the hallway or sit in front of the door when I would come in the house from work. Also would do some strange things to my underwear. I told her I love her before she died but still wish we had a better relationship

    • Athais Dubaie
      Athais Dubaie 22 days ago +2

      All dysfunctional families have a fantasy world. This is the world that they present to those outside the family. In my family, it was that we were supportive of each other and got along. The reality couldn't have been further from the truth. Incest, narcissist father, enabling codependent distant mother, and one narcissist sister, possible narcissist brother. We were very much not the fantasy we presented to the world.

    • Stevie P
      Stevie P Month ago +1

      @Cymbolic Human Wow. Thank you for that revelation. No need to tell you any backstory, none needed. It's a simple truth you've shared.

    • Sheryl Clements
      Sheryl Clements Month ago +6

      I too, am giving up on someone, a very very similar situation to yours! I won’t go into details, it would take too long! I think I was divinely led here to get a good perspective and I’ve learned so much! God bless you and happiness sometimes is a choice to let go of things and people we just can’t have peace with! I tried, way too long. I wish them God’s blessings but I’m not responsible for others’ happiness. Just try to be as positive as possible and be a blessing to others and myself.

    • Melissa Banks
      Melissa Banks Month ago +4

      Omg , this me had to walk away

  • Sifu Subtitles
    Sifu Subtitles Month ago +225

    Narcissists don’t listen, can’t follow logic and can’t be reasoned with. Don’t waste any time with them, it doesn’t lead anywhere.
    Thank you Dr Carter, I’m always amazed how accurate your description are and your videos give great comfort!

    • Cindy Reeves
      Cindy Reeves 26 days ago

      Yep.

    • Ali
      Ali Month ago +6

      @Kitteh the truth is only one, deal with it :) only people with severe brain issues and especially pathological narcissists say bs like "reality is relative bla bla" and use arrogance

    • Paivy Martin
      Paivy Martin Month ago

      @Richard Ellis simple…

    • Archvaldor's Warcraft Hacks
      Archvaldor's Warcraft Hacks Month ago +2

      "Narcissists don’t listen, can’t follow logic and can’t be reasoned with." I agree, I am marvellous and you were wrong to disagree with me.

    • Julieat Brilliant
      Julieat Brilliant Month ago +2

      I was in relationship with this narcissist devil I didn't understand his behaviour after 4 years with him I have run out of his life like a mad woman. thanks God I have managed to escape the storm. 😩

  • Carlos Betsens
    Carlos Betsens 23 days ago +16

    What a clear depiction of how a narcissist reacts when confronted with his shame!
    It is painful to see how a narcissist in a spiral of acting and shame wants to destroy others in order to survive their own shame.

  • Matt Donna
    Matt Donna Month ago +365

    Yes, it is maddening to have someone argue, criticize, or debate EVERYTHING you say. So I rarely speak now, giving her no fuel. It is like living with a bratty child that no adult ever said no to when they were being raised.

    • Matt Donna
      Matt Donna 12 days ago +1

      @Amgaa AC Ouch. I lost 12 years, my fault to stay so long. We deserve better and Dr Carter will guide us.

    • Amgaa AC
      Amgaa AC 13 days ago +1

      I just finally break up with her, now everyone thinks I was the problem, she will manipulate everyone to think that way like I'm kind of a MONSTER. I just can not believe I wasted 3 years for this 7 year old minded women. Very entitled their parents reaised her like a God.

    • Matt Donna
      Matt Donna 17 days ago +1

      @LauraV Broken items I have not noticed. Missing items I have noticed. Maybe it's a part of the overall cruelty and mean spirit they possess. She is 65 with no maturity, what a waste of my time she was, live and learn. P.S. the breakage you describe sounds like a cowardly way to hurt you and yes, they are cowards.

    • Ian Strathmore
      Ian Strathmore 18 days ago +1

      Matt _ I appreciate it is a million times easier said than done but try not to let it drag you down. There are some very unhappy peoples whose only strategy is resentment & spite. This leads to them dragging others down with them

    • LauraV
      LauraV 22 days ago +1

      Matt Donna: Just curious to know if this narcissist in your life has ever "accidentally" broken something of yours - whether they tell you they "discovered" it broken or not, my ex-husband used to break things that were near or dear to me, OR that would cost a bit to replace, or not be replaceable at all. He also would "lose" my keys (claiming I was "going crazy") and put them in a place I would have never put them. I've been divorced now almost 5 years after a 14 year marriage and I've never seen this topic discussed.

  • Moon Light
    Moon Light Month ago +87

    This is soooooo true! No matter what the argument is about, the narcissist will always turn it back on you and blame you for whatever they want. They are just sick in the head, really. They looks like normal people, but in reality they are deeply disturbed individuals who belong in a psychiatric hospital. I actually wish there was an asylum for narcissists.

    • pelagic6
      pelagic6 10 days ago

      @Kitteh I see what you're doing here. You think you're slick, don't you?

    • keep it kawaii
      keep it kawaii Month ago +2

      @Kitteh ive been 5150d several times and I still wish narcissists would get locked away in an asylum. They are dangerous to society. Lock them up

    • keep it kawaii
      keep it kawaii Month ago +1

      @Randy Tusha lmao

    • keep it kawaii
      keep it kawaii Month ago +2

      I do too..I would gleefully put my mother there and walk away for good. She needs round the clock care to make sure she isn't scheming on other innocent people

    • Lib Lib
      Lib Lib Month ago

      They should not be asylum but in jail in my opinion.

  • Anne Walker
    Anne Walker Month ago +91

    I had an encounter with a very controlling "friend" yesterday. I hadn't seen her for a while so thought it would be ok. Wrong!!!!!! She was so negative and provoking. It wasn't even a conversation. It was me saying something which she just contradicted and twisted. But when she started blaming me for something that happened weeks ago and putting on the poor me act I knew it was time to leave. She was pushing me to react and I didn't. I just said see you soon and walked away. It saddens me though that she can be so nice to everybody else. I'm not prepared to be her emotional punchbag anymore.

    • keep it kawaii
      keep it kawaii Month ago +3

      Walk away from the friendship

    • D W Arthur's Little Sister
      D W Arthur's Little Sister Month ago +7

      @Esther Roberts They were never a friend.

    • Esther Roberts
      Esther Roberts Month ago +6

      Good for you! I once had a former friend corral me at a community function & start in about how everyone was doing everything wrong. When I offered an opinion she reacted with an exaggerated surprise that I could be so "misinformed " and then called me later to tell me how to run my life. I firmly replied I didn't need the help but she persisted. After another warning I simply quietly hung up. When I next saw her she said we needed to discuss my "bad behavior." I said excuse me and just left.

    • Marci Robins
      Marci Robins Month ago +4

      Don’t do that again!

    • Janet Pattison
      Janet Pattison Month ago +6

      Yeah! 💙💕💙 Soooo Awesome that you walked away & didn’t get hooked!!! 👍👍👍 Don’t feel bad for long. Narcs need supply, and they create conflict to engage us & get that attention via power & control.

  • lifewithapurpose
    lifewithapurpose Month ago +249

    my experience taught me that they *truly* believe that they can do no wrong, if so *it was somebody else's fault*

    • Ryan vtec
      Ryan vtec 29 days ago

      I had a bad car accident almost 4 weekd ago. Four pelvic fractures I went to my parents she got mad because I said something that got her emotional. She walks down the stairs and says Ryan used to be fun.

    • Soul Music
      Soul Music Month ago +3

      Lol , facing the same issue with my elder sister since childhood. Today I got my answer. They literally drain your energy and makes your life toxic, every single day!

    • Christine Platon
      Christine Platon Month ago

      De. As in devil. lusion . Delusion. Lu as in lumen or light... Si opposite is. On. We live in a world now that is filled with delusion. San a book list to buy books about narcissism...there are also those teaching dark psychology. Not everyone is made a narcissist, some choose to use the techniques. I often wondered if my abuser had been taught a specific method. It seems he was. These times are spoken of in the bible...that it would be family against family...it's a dynamic we must understand to survive. And avoid if there is no remedy. In some or perhaps all it seems to be a genetic predisposition also. Read Vaknin.

    • Darya Peppo
      Darya Peppo Month ago +1

      Dillusion!

    • MisstressMourtisha
      MisstressMourtisha Month ago +1

      @Julie Cozzaglio if you can prove afraid or malice intent, you may be able to overturn some things. You should be able to prosecute or get the lawyer in trouble for screwing you.

  • le ciel bleu
    le ciel bleu Month ago +260

    They lack even one ounce of humility. They believe that they already know everything that they could ever possibly need to know, so if someone disagrees, they must automatically be wrong -- and it's not okay for the other to be wrong, as the narcissist needs to seize every opportunity to demonstrate his or her astonishing superiority. In my opinion, if a person is extraordinarily proud of their beliefs, the beliefs are often questionable. There's no need to be excessively proud about knowing the obvious.

    • A M
      A M Month ago +1

      I notice they state the obvious (in a condescending tone) and bring nothing to the table in conversation. Wast of time.

    • Michael Jackson The Guilty Dead Pedophile
      Michael Jackson The Guilty Dead Pedophile Month ago

      The only thing a narcissist understands is pain. More is always better! I always beat their faces in whenever I know I can get away with it. I love to brawl, and now that the bars have reopened, Im out giving them much needed attitude adjustments. My favorite is a right jab to the jaw, which usually shatters the lower mandible. BLOOD AND TEETH EVERYWHERE AND THEY ARE OUT COLD! The real fun begins when they wake up in the emergency room and realize that they might need to readjust the way they treat other people. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!

    • Michelle Cove
      Michelle Cove Month ago

      Kitteh is the narcissistic troll in the comments. Beware of it!

    • Michelle Cove
      Michelle Cove Month ago

      You’re a narcissist. Deal with it son!

    • Robidu1973
      Robidu1973 Month ago +1

      @Patchouli Siamese I've already suspected as much. Thanks for the confirmation.

  • Sarah Hanson
    Sarah Hanson Month ago +171

    Dr C thank you for these videos. I've finally stopped arguing with my father, there is no point to trying to convince him, as you say. It just keeps me caught in being his arguing partner, which I no longer want to be. Now I just say "well, I see this differently," or "hmm, that's not my experience" and MOVE ON. I can tell he's frustrated and keeps trying to bait me into new arguments, but I just keep refusing, and it feels so much better.

    • Dawna
      Dawna 18 days ago

      i wouldn't even say those two statements to be honest. that just throws more fuel on the fire. our only recourse is to completely disengage with these types...

    • Cokeys Pork Chop Comb - The true Bet Noir
      Cokeys Pork Chop Comb - The true Bet Noir 28 days ago

      Yes. Family member tried this on me when their usual argument partner died. Eventually, I just said "you obviously don't like me if you think what you say about me is true, we are too different to have a relationship. Then I just said it's best to avoid me completely if I make you so angry. And I've stuck to it for a year. Life is to short for this misery.

    • Kim M. (stellar beader)
      Kim M. (stellar beader) Month ago +1

      Reminds me of the old adage about wrestling with pigs. The pig enjoys it and you just wind up muddy. Oh, he just mentioned the pigpen. Guess I should listen to the whole vid before commenting.

    • AlwaysStampinVideos
      AlwaysStampinVideos Month ago

      @Si Kim truth!

    • Si Kim
      Si Kim Month ago +2

      "... keeps trying to bait me into new arguments"

  • Deb Ascher
    Deb Ascher Month ago +159

    I love Dr. Carter’s quote “AND DON’T GET INTO THE PIGPEN WITH THE NARC!” How true!!!

    • Mary Carroll
      Mary Carroll Month ago +6

      @Truthseeker0111 Endofdays I am sorry. I know that pain of being wounded. That has been my whole life dealing with a narc family. I think this last narc was the final straw and I just decided not to care anymore. I had a few bad days. I am sorry that you have struggled through the pain.

    • Truthseeker0111 Endofdays
      Truthseeker0111 Endofdays Month ago +9

      @Mary Carroll I did the samething with my mom. Not proud of it!! But at the end, I came out feeling like I was dragged through the war zone. So it can go in the other direction. I'm glad that you learned just how strong you are. For me, it left me feeling exhausted, tattered, and very wounded.

    • Mary Carroll
      Mary Carroll Month ago +18

      Some days I would put on my pig pen boots and go at it. I was not going to let this narc get the best of me! He thought he married a mouse and by the time the marriage was over I turned into a lionesses 🦁

  • Nancy
    Nancy Month ago +190

    In my case, I think my ex argued mostly to exert control. He could be very loud and threatening, and he wanted to be the decider on basically everything. I was supposed to keep my mouth shut and just go along with whatever he wanted, and if I didn't, there was always trouble.

    • Naz Asha
      Naz Asha 22 days ago +1

      @Lisa Luster they ignore like nothing is going and put up a Show

    • Naz Asha
      Naz Asha 22 days ago +1

      @Suzanne love and light plus prayers courage

    • Sandra Johnson
      Sandra Johnson Month ago +2

      Hey, your partners in a marriage.
      It's a legal document as in a business. Equal. 50/50.

    • Baileys & Ice
      Baileys & Ice Month ago +4

      INDEED!! That's the bullying, manipulative side of them. They're basically telling (showing) you that this is the behaviour and treatment you will receive when you upset/cross/don't listen to ME. If you don't like it follow MY lead and YOU won't have a problem. YOU are the reason for this disagreement.

      Ugh!! So much hard work and nothing much given in return.

    • Janet Pattison
      Janet Pattison Month ago +4

      I hope you were able to permanently get away for him!

  • David Yardley
    David Yardley Month ago +143

    Because their stamina for disagreement, getting negative attention and draining your energy is limitless.

    • Jamy
      Jamy Month ago

      David Yardley..it really is limitless ..energy vampires

    • Si Kim
      Si Kim Month ago +2

      Energy vampires they are. I won't feed their stamina or energy. No more!

    • Karen Emery
      Karen Emery Month ago +1

      @Robidu1973 they are pure evil. Period.

    • Karen Emery
      Karen Emery Month ago +1

      Narcs are evil.

    • Candace Wilson
      Candace Wilson Month ago +1

      Isn’t that the truth!

  • David Drummond
    David Drummond Month ago +140

    I've seen many people mention the circular arguments. IMO that is the most maddening and crazy making, and completely exhausting thing they do.

    • David Drummond
      David Drummond 17 days ago +1

      @Lady T Sometimes you just want to stop and ask "are you even hearing yourself?"

    • Lady T
      Lady T 17 days ago +1

      Mine was going around in circles so much he contradicted himself in the same sentence. I pointed it out to him and he just stopped talking. Felt like a win.

    • David Drummond
      David Drummond 29 days ago +2

      @Ladenna Young I believe them when they say they are not trying to argue. They are trying to get YOU to argue, so they can get some narc supply and so then they can go on about how unstable you are after they kept pushing buttons.

    • Ladenna Young
      Ladenna Young Month ago +2

      Yeah. And that's why they do it. My ex would do that. Then he would always say, I'm not trying to argue. Smh.

    • Bill Yoder
      Bill Yoder Month ago +3

      @David Drummond Yes, they talk over you like you aren't really there. They don't listen to our points.

  • LinYouToo
    LinYouToo Month ago +100

    One of the best ways to respond to all of the projection is in simply saying: “that’s possible” with zero emotion. Works like a charm ;) Repeat as necessary. They can’t figure out what to do with that. You were saying it’s possible but anything is possible and you are not agreeing. Whooo hooo!

    • Wendy Geels
      Wendy Geels 11 days ago

      @keep it kawaii Hang in there. “ That grey rock thing.” With some of them who are determined outwardly emotionally violent people, it doesn’t work they can’t stand the no response, they turn and attack. The thing is, though, this way, tends to draw out their negative emotional abusive behaviour and exposes them for what they truly are; they have nowhere to hide, the abuse victim is not reacting or doing anything. They know it and the victim knows it, that it’s all coming from them. This gives the “ Victim,” the psychological advantage(justly), over them; your not angry, your not-crazy, it’s just them. This will help you with future matters in relating to them. So, stay in there, if you can stand it. Otherwise it’s better to go “ No Contact, “ as much as possible. I’ve probably been in that situation a few times myself. All the best wished for you. The human psyche is just so seemingly endlessly complex, negative or positive; but we’re learning all the time. Strive to be an overcomer.
      p.s. (I wish you more calm and happiness)

    • Patricia Johnson
      Patricia Johnson 25 days ago +2

      I do the same thing except I say “perhaps you’re right”
      Works great at work too with difficult people. Repeat it over and over (broken record). Don’t say anything else even when being dragged along.

    • keep it kawaii
      keep it kawaii Month ago

      @LinYouToo Yeah it's not a matter of opinion though. so when you say "that's possible" it just comes across as snarky to me. Plenty of people who did what you describe have been assaulted or worse. I'm just saying as a word of caution to anyone who tries it... When you stand up to abuse, even subtly, it can put you in serious danger.

    • LinYouToo
      LinYouToo Month ago +1

      @keep it kawaii That's possible. For me, that's what no contact is for.

    • keep it kawaii
      keep it kawaii Month ago +1

      Sorry but it doesn't always work this way. Narcissists can be very keen and if you're evading them, they will drag you to your knees. I've tried every single grey rock trick in the book to avoid arguments with a narcissist. It only made her more violent.

      Your advice is well suited around a less violent narc, or a narc you only have brief interactions with.

  • Simon Vance
    Simon Vance Month ago +10

    I recently tried telling a narcissistic control freak about her appalling arrogant behaviour. It didn’t go well!.. Narcissists and psychopaths have no empathy, you cannot appeal to their conscience if they don’t have one. My lesson is to never engage such people again, it’s like talking to a brick wall.

  • Jean Kruis
    Jean Kruis Month ago +38

    Celebrating 5 years away from my narcissistic husband. I am able to decide who I want to be instead of being who I need to be to keep from arguing. Thank you again for another excellent video. I always come away feeling good about my choice

    • Arba Happihr
      Arba Happihr 17 days ago

      wow 5 years, congratulations

    • Janet Pattison
      Janet Pattison Month ago +1

      Congratulations on your freedom and happiness, by being brave and getting away from the narc !!!

  • Brandon Lott
    Brandon Lott Month ago +81

    I can't have any type of conversation without her arguing. I have been strong when I needed to be and kept out of the pig pen. But I have made a lapse in judgment and hopped in the pig pen and watched her immediately seize the opportunity to call me "crazy" when that's how she looked to me THE WHOLE TIME. It is a level of disregard I did not think existed. I am 26. Very little family. Was in foster care from 12 to 19. I have been through alot. But being treated this way by somebody truly is one of the worst things I've ever experienced. I care. I try. I get walked on in return.

    • Arba Happihr
      Arba Happihr 17 days ago +1

      Time to leave your learnt lesson. Nothing is forever, you will be in a same old thing relationship forever as your once partner WILL NEVER change.
      That is who they have chosen to be.
      Been there, I served 50 years of narcissist abuse. I was to Fearful to leave, hundreds of hours of therapy, trying to find out what was wrong with me. Phew
      God has a plan for you, go and find it.

    • Matt Donna
      Matt Donna 20 days ago +1

      I have her clone at my house.

    • Deirdre Evangelista
      Deirdre Evangelista 27 days ago +6

      Your young, get out NOW! IT WILL NEVER GET BETTER! They dont change! Trust me, I'm 52, and grew up with two in my family and still have to deal with the after effects. It does a real number on you mentally, but you can have healthy relationships, good people are out there! Take this as a learning experiance to weed out bad people and stay far away from them!

    • Brandon Lott
      Brandon Lott Month ago +2

      @keep it kawaii Might have the nail on the head with that one.

    • keep it kawaii
      keep it kawaii Month ago +5

      I say this with love, ok? Your unstable upbringing has opened you up to chronic loneliness and you're filling that void with your girlfriend. It's better to be completely alone and sad than to deal with an abuser. I want you to be happy because your happiness and wellbeing are important. More important than her

  • Momma Bear
    Momma Bear Month ago +20

    They start 99.99% of every argument too! I've stopped allowing them (my family narcs) to come into my home & steal my peace. I miss the them occasionally but not enough to play the game! Nobody needs to have a narcissist ruin their life!!

  • Gillian Brookwell
    Gillian Brookwell Month ago +58

    My mother summed it up with my ex narcissist husband when she called him an 'Emotional Cripple.' Arguing with these individuals is futile and if you try to continue, you end up banging your head against a brick wall; totally losing it. Out of all the 40 years I spent with this narcissist, I never witnessed any empathy.

    • Deirdre Evangelista
      Deirdre Evangelista 27 days ago +2

      I call them "emotionally retarded" because they are emotionally stuck at a two year olds development stage! Lol...

    • Bill Yoder
      Bill Yoder Month ago +1

      They are merciless.

    • keep it kawaii
      keep it kawaii Month ago

      My mom is a narco/sociopath and it never fails to surprise me what little empathy they have. Never. It's unfathomable. Im still not over it and I'll never forget this side of her

    • ysmithriley
      ysmithriley Month ago +1

      @Gillian Brookwell IDK, that might have been better than the FEIGNED EMPATHY my Narc presented. He made it seem like I was the "UNCARING ONE" if I told my feelings about a situation. Little did I know the scenario we were discussing was something "NOT SO NICE" that he'd done in the past.

    • Tess Forbes
      Tess Forbes Month ago +6

      How were you able to keep your relationship with your mother, as narcissists try to isolate their victim from their families.

  • Mary Kuball
    Mary Kuball Month ago +14

    I thought I was married to a control freak, a narcissist is so much more. I didn't know the difference till recently. I was married to one for 24 yrs. Every thing was my fault. Even pissing in front of the toilet even tho I have to sit down to pee. 🙄 Unfortunately my kids had to deal with my sadness in this marriage.

  • net punk
    net punk Month ago +23

    I can’t say I’ve never been argumentative, but I have a rule, I don’t resort to name-calling. It doesn’t make the other person see your position any better, and you’re reducing your partner to something non-human, and it’s disrespectful in ways that a person can’t just take back. My narc ex, however, would always use abusive language towards me, and I remember one time, after plenty of arguments where I maintained my own boundaries, I thought that maybe if I tried that language back on him, he might understand how bad it makes a person feel to be called a “b****” for something as simple as wanting to sleep when you’re tired at night, but narcissists are simply incapable of thinking “oh wow, it hurts to be on the receiving end of my words and actions, I’ll change.” Take it from me, don’t stoop to their level. I tried it twice in a three year relationship and I know it was wrong, but I was desperate to try to make him see how much he was hurting me. Ultimately, he didn’t care, accountability would have destroyed him, and he’d rather destroy me than risk bruising his precious, fragile ego.

    • Deborah Robinson-Bozovic
      Deborah Robinson-Bozovic 22 days ago +1

      Actually, keeping one up at night is part of the plan to keep you fragile! I used to wonder why he would start conversations just when I was attempting to sleep?! Had to get up early! I'd say let's talk tomorrow, I'm up early and don't want to get upset! All to no avail!

      This is now not negotiable at all! You Tube has been a god send! Who knew?

  • Cathy Prince
    Cathy Prince Month ago +14

    “Pathological defensiveness”. True beyond. “Emotional weakling.” Yes they use strange internal logic to defend themselves when no defense is needed. They must shame us! They avoid accountability! Everything you’ve said is true.

  • Brian Smith
    Brian Smith Month ago +18

    "Arguing with a foolish person makes you look foolish" Those are some priceless words. It's almost like arguing with a narcissist is like arguing with a young kid but the only difference is the narcissist is the same size as you or twice the size as you are with maybe twice the strength.

  • C G
    C G Month ago +21

    Everything turns into an argument with them criticizing & putting you down.

  • Lorina Petranova
    Lorina Petranova Month ago +136

    Rumi said "the answer to a fool is silence."

    • Lorina Petranova
      Lorina Petranova Month ago +3

      @Aisha Abdi very interesting.

    • Aisha Abdi
      Aisha Abdi Month ago +2

      Imam Shafi said similar

      Imam al-Shafi’i, may Allah be pleased with him, said in his poetry, “If a fool speaks to you, do not answer him, for the best answer is silence. If you speak to him, you have delighted him. If you leave him, he nearly dies in anguish.”

      Source: Dīwān al-Imām al-Shāfi’ī 38

      Al-Ajurri said about the people of lowly desires, “Your silence over them and your abandonment of speaking to them is harder on them than your debate with them. Such was said by the righteous predecessors among the Muslim scholars.”

      Source: al-Sharī’ah 1/449

    • Ashton
      Ashton Month ago +6

      Yup it makes them go nuts. I calmly asked him if he was looking for negative attention. Then they get rude but if that doesn't work either; after time they can even turn to physical violence out of frustration.

    • des1180
      des1180 Month ago +4

      💯

    • MaGuffintop
      MaGuffintop Month ago +9

      Wisdom here.

  • Luna Sky
    Luna Sky Month ago +11

    When you say 'fragile ego' so many times like this, it makes me feel sorry for them. The last thing I want. These people are evil

  • Ronda Duckster
    Ronda Duckster Month ago +40

    I have been with my narcissist husband for 37 years. For the longest time i thought it must be me for the arguments he started. Always belittling me amongst other things. It wasn’t until recently that i started to do some research about behavior like this and found that he is exactly a narcissist. I have watched many of these videos for support. I finally realized after all those years that it wasn’t always me. I could never do anything right. He is a lot older now and i feel he may have gotten worse or is it the fact that i dont care to argue with him any longer and it agitates him? Thank you for bringing these videos as they are extremely helpful for me.

    • Deirdre Evangelista
      Deirdre Evangelista 27 days ago +1

      Hon, thry ONLY get worse..... leave while you can and gain a life of peace and freedom !

    • Carson Lee
      Carson Lee Month ago +3

      "it wasn't always me"

      It was never you.

      Now, have fun on a new path. Put on the Rolling Stones and turn it up, my friend!!

    • Lib Lib
      Lib Lib Month ago +1

      @Use Wisdom Not always. It is very hard to leave a narcissist. Initially you don't realize later on they become like devils. Even when you leave them they will make sure you remain of no use after that. I guess freedom from narcissist is only possible if they die.

    • Silverfish
      Silverfish Month ago +3

      I can relate. Similar wake up for me, after 28 years with mine.

    • Use Wisdom
      Use Wisdom Month ago +1

      @K agreed however, if she stayed that long , seems like a lifetime, she probably succumbs to it like Stockholm syndrome. Too bad , it keeps them from having the inner power to leave and even if they realize they lived a lie and left, they would return to their abusers.

  • Yvonne Marie Horvat
    Yvonne Marie Horvat Month ago +25

    I knew it!!! That the word would be "You". He uses this all the time. Today, he hung up on me when I started talking about accountability. I am also watching me for triggering points to overcome things and with all this amazing sources of information I am recognizing patterns where I have got caught in ignorance about hidden methods they use before and now I am seeing what I didn't see before. Sad on many accounts what Narrastic people do and the great length that they go to maintain their fragile image instead of changing.

    • keep it kawaii
      keep it kawaii Month ago +1

      Look into logical fallacies. Narcissists use these ALOT and they work well. We should be teaching about logical fallacy in early grade school so that people are more equipped to deal with these arguments. I wish id known about this when I was a kid, because then I wouldn't have internalized all the shame. If you know something is BS, you're less likely to give any emotion to it.

    • Surviving Narcissism
      Surviving Narcissism  Month ago +9

      Keep learning, Yvonne! You know I'm pulling for you! Dr. C

  • Seajay Art
    Seajay Art Month ago +30

    Accountability for injuring me, albeit accidentally, amounted to the narcissist swiftly and viciously hurling the "you's" back at me with vitriolic lies, inaccuracies and accusations. So bizarre. It seemed like an unnecessarily cruel response. Thanks you, again, Dr. C., for clarifying the narcissistic use of this "you" tactic, it now makes sense. You have helped in my healing every step of the way for months now as I continue my recovery. The delightfully cute Gus helps too. Please give him an extra head pat from me.

  • Bonnie Forman
    Bonnie Forman Month ago +24

    Wish they taught this in school. I hope young people who have family members who are narcissists listen to these videos because there is endless suffering with narc parents.

  • BrStFr
    BrStFr Month ago +64

    What I find exhausting is the utterly predictable need to argue about or contradict or qualify the most innocuous statements. "Nice day out." "WELL IT'S GOING TO RAIN THIS AFTERNOON." "I did the laundry." "BUT YOU SAID YOU WERE GIONG TO DO IT THIS EVENING." "What a nice painting!" "IF YOU LIKE THAT KIND OF THING."

    • keep it kawaii
      keep it kawaii Month ago

      This is exactly how my mom is. The narcissist princess. Always has something negative to say in response. Always turns a benign concession into chaos.

    • D She
      D She Month ago +4

      @Use Wisdom Nasty words

    • Use Wisdom
      Use Wisdom Month ago

      @Verma Jaeger 20 years draining you. You must be a masochist.

    • Use Wisdom
      Use Wisdom Month ago

      Lol

    • Verma Jaeger
      Verma Jaeger Month ago +4

      @Esther Roberts wow ! I was beginning to think it was a normal response after being with one for around 20 years , very draining

  • Eric Sizemore
    Eric Sizemore Month ago +5

    I was in a dysfunctional relationship for 8 years with someone who has all the hallmarks of a narcissist. I’ve lived thru this and it’s been damaging. I really wish I could find a loving partner who is good for me and vice versa.

  • Clint WL
    Clint WL Month ago +70

    I’m not going to argue with a narcissist for two minutes, or having another thing to do with her. In her eyes, we’re wrong, stupid, at fault, and beneath her no matter what. So why should we have anything to do with someone like that?

    • Jamie
      Jamie Month ago +1

      Clint WL: Everything you said. You nailed it. For me, silence is the best reaction/response; has worked like a charm to shut down my former friend who is a narcissist.

    • Snowy Emerald
      Snowy Emerald Month ago

      @Kitteh Go change your diaper & get some new milk. Time for naptime!

    • Use Wisdom
      Use Wisdom Month ago

      Absolutely agreed. Dont tolerate ignorant stupidity, I sever the relationship.

    • Mike Diamond
      Mike Diamond Month ago

      Ha-Ha!!😄

    • Kitteh
      Kitteh  Month ago

      god forbid anyone should challenge you

  • Brenda Stephens
    Brenda Stephens Month ago +9

    "I will not get into a battle of wits with an unarmed person" - my mother said this years ago and I will never forget it!

    • Marina P
      Marina P Month ago +1

      Love it! Your mom is one wise woman!

  • zellerized
    zellerized Month ago +10

    Best explanation I've found.. how are people matching these traits so perfectly across the board?? Emotional weaklings.. so true.

  • Kelli Gray
    Kelli Gray Month ago +7

    I’m in the middle of divorcing my Narc and your work here has been so incredibly helpful! I cannot thank you enough. 💗From Alaska

    • Surviving Narcissism
      Surviving Narcissism  Month ago +1

      Thanks Kelli. I wish you well in your time of transition. It can be stressful, but there is light on the other side! Dr. C

  • wifferste ss
    wifferste ss Month ago +49

    Same reason they are always in victim mode. It's all about keeping up and protecting the false self.

    • harpsailor harp
      harpsailor harp 28 days ago

      yep ... my father and tbh my mother too ...both love to look.like poor me victims and both seem to enjoy being miserable...both are not animal lovers and tbh both are cold ....thet are also divorced too btw but so similar. for example ..mi got my mum a lovely garden ornament ...it is beautiful and I got it delivered and sent to her and it was 105 pounds for xmas ...I also got her her fave cd and went to a shop to get it and I posted it 10p oif miles away where she lives....she received both and do you know what she sent me days later in the post 7 days afte(r for xmas )...a large box ...containing sweets. biscuits ...all amassing to 10.00 and btw they were all unwrapped...... it told me everything... in Not a greedy person but even a wooden 50p elephant from a charity shop and joss sticks would of been better .... x My brother was recently in debt .... she found 600 and bailed him out .... I've never asked her for 5 pounds ...

      x

  • Don C
    Don C Month ago +21

    Thank you Dr. Carter. This was instructive message for the day where I epically failed. Everything is an argument or complaint. I have days where I am just exhausted. The only constancy is dysfunction which can be very tiresome.

    • Bill Yoder
      Bill Yoder Month ago

      They complain constantly and blame you for everything wrong in their life. I was married once before . In her sick mind, she considered me a cheater because I was married to someone else before her. This all long before I ever met her. What? My ex moved on and remarried and had a family with her new husband. Zero threat to her in our present relationship. She argues and complains and blames everyone else for her self made problems. It never occurred to her that maybe she is them problem. Zero accountability.

  • Moon Light
    Moon Light Month ago +19

    You can't ever successfully communicate (or argue) with a narcissist because they don't get that a communication is a 2-way street. For them it's always a 1-way street - they talk and everybody else is to shut up and listen. They are so pathetic, really. They are like a 2 year old child in a grown-up's body.

  • Amy Osborne
    Amy Osborne Month ago +15

    This is the most accurate description of the conflict communication scenarios that I’ve experienced with my spouse for years and years now. I could never understand other than something emotional is lacking but now I’m aware of narcissism and every single thing you have described in great detail is what he has done when communicating. It’s bizarre, confusing, and truly scary. He’s so far in denial that reality and truth cannot be discussed! Therefore I am done ✅ I refuse to give anymore of myself when we can’t speak in truth. I’m getting off the merry go round ✌🏼it’s amazing that you can describe this topic so well. Thank you ☺️

  • Modern Day Warrior
    Modern Day Warrior Month ago +89

    "I'm NOT arguing, YOU'RE just being WRONG..."

    • Cassandra Carrizo
      Cassandra Carrizo Month ago +4

      🤣🤣🤣

    • AlwaysStampinVideos
      AlwaysStampinVideos Month ago +11

      “I’m not arguing. I’m just trying to have a discussion with you” (so that i can keep telling you you’re wrong.)

  • Truthseeker0111 Endofdays

    "Arguing with a foolish person makes you foolish." Wished I knew that 3 or 4 yrs ago because it is so true.

  • Marguerite Baca
    Marguerite Baca Month ago +12

    Love it... "Head for the exit." 😂😂🤣 That strategy is emotionally intelligent, dignified and works like a charm. Thank you! Trying to be rational and fair with this type of personality will have you going in circles like a dog chasing it's own tail. LOL!

    • Jack Petersen
      Jack Petersen Month ago

      Marguerite Baca,You look gorgeous 🌷🌹,Hope you are not with a narcissist!

  • Zee Rose
    Zee Rose Month ago +68

    Yes, my husbands favorite question is "Why are you arguing about this?" or favorite phrase is Im not going to argue about this......then blame me as if I am the one who ALWAYS argues about everything. He can NOT have a conversation or discussion without thinking I am trying to argue with him.

    • Bill Yoder
      Bill Yoder Month ago +1

      They turn even a casual conversation into an argument. Better off avoiding them.

    • Mahogany Shanae
      Mahogany Shanae Month ago

      @Zee Rose Never say you stuck even if you or. GET some motivation 💪

    • Matthew H
      Matthew H Month ago

      Sounds like my wife lol. She's always on the attack. We argue about 5 times a week. HUGE arguments over nonsense. She threatens to divorce me and go back to Japan, or kill herself and will take out a big kitchen knife. Nearly every argument she will resort to those tactics. She got mad at me the other day for starting to drive away from Costco when she hadn't put on her seatbelt yet. She said, "You didn't wait for me to put on my seatbelt! You don't care about me!" And then we started arguing. It's impossible not to argue with her, she'll find a reason to start an argument. Arguments over nonsense like I described will snowball into arguments that last for 4 or 5 hours. We almost divorce several times a week. If I tell her, "Okay fine, then divorce me." That's the only thing that stops her. When she can tell I'm tired and I don't care anymore about what she's threatening to do.

    • Lib Lib
      Lib Lib Month ago

      @Zee Rose same.

    • Melanie Steyn
      Melanie Steyn Month ago +3

      My husband too, I wish we could just have a normal discussion like two adults with different opinions about something without the need to "win" and ridicule the person for having a different opinion. Different opinions are seen like someone attacking his whole belief system which of course is the only right one.

  • lockstar169
    lockstar169 Month ago +8

    As Dr. Carter has pointed out more than once, there is a delusional component to how narcissists view their actions.
    I really do think that they misinterpret what's happening when people "back down" from their aggression.
    They think they've won and that others fear them. I think that they think, it's worked for me in past; I'll keep doing it.

  • georgina fronda
    georgina fronda Month ago +56

    What I used to do after one round of crazy argument is to say to the ex “what ever” and walk away. It drove him mad and he’ll say you know I am right that’s why you’re walking away. My response was “what ever”! Crazy people!!

    Dr Carter I always stayed true to myself and even that lead to name calling from him. He would used my indifference to bait and push my buttons. Some days I got caught out and would bite the bait. Then I was called a nasty person and a bully. You just can’t win. In the end I lost all respect I had for him because I caught on he was a narcissist and he received my wrath when he pushed too far with his crazy arguments. In the end I kicked him out after one of his nonsense arguments. Enough!! 17 years of his abuse and making me emotional and physically ill- I was done. Filed for a quick divorce and told him not to contest it as I was done with his BS. No contest and 4 months later I was divorced from him this year. Good riddance to him. Unfortunately we have a 10 year old we co- parent so I keep mini no contact. To be honest I think he’s scared of me. Don’t mess with an Empath!!

    • keep it kawaii
      keep it kawaii Month ago +2

      Us empaths get told all the time we are weak. But it takes strength to feel so much and we aren't dumb. So glad you finally took out the trash

    • Use Wisdom
      Use Wisdom Month ago +1

      Right on girl

    • Janet Pattison
      Janet Pattison Month ago +3

      Wow! Fantastic! You got out & I’m so happy for you!

    • nana820able
      nana820able Month ago +19

      I think underneath it all my husband is afraid of me too. Afraid I'll leave and he knows he needs me more than I need him. I'm disabled so it would be very hard for me but after we sold the house I'd get half and could probably live alone simply. That's fine with me as I require very little and only want a peaceful life. I believe a lot of my physical pain and continued problems would go away.

  • Yo Angie
    Yo Angie Month ago +23

    I was always AUTOMATICALLY WRONG, because I solved problems in a different manner than the Narc.

  • TeeTee Pee
    TeeTee Pee Month ago +31

    You are right Dr.C. I know I need to take my power back, Speak peace =Say very little... Know peace = Don't argue... Strive for peace.. Control my emotions ....Live peace=feed myself not them. They love our energy. ✌🏾✌🏻✌🏽✌🏿☮️💯

  • Susan Munoz
    Susan Munoz Month ago +80

    I want peace and dignity more than I ever want the ugliness of being manipulated into being what the narcissist is inside of their evil and empty.heart, that’s not who I was to start and it’s not who I am now

    • Susan Munoz
      Susan Munoz Month ago +6

      @AlwaysStampinVideos thank You Stampin . I wish you a Blessed Thanksgiving ❤️

    • AlwaysStampinVideos
      AlwaysStampinVideos Month ago +9

      Amen! Keep surviving!

  • Ed Horn
    Ed Horn Month ago +4

    Thank you, Doctor. I live with a narcissist who accuses me of being a narcissist. This drives me crazy. I know that's not true, but we get into what I call an infinity loop and the point/ counterpoint argument loses the original issue. Thank you so much for giving me tools to deal with her.

  • Luptuous Life
    Luptuous Life Month ago +8

    I see some similarities between narcissism and autism when it comes to rigidity, need for order (things to be the way they need them to be), correction of others behaviors/actions (or lack of), arguing a point to death, pointing out all your mistakes, etc. But Autism is a biological/neurological difference, it's not a mental health issue or a result of trauma. So I'm wondering if there is a high level of narcissism that comes with autism, or is it something that kind of mimics the characteristics of narcissism, but is something different entirely?

    • Love Locked
      Love Locked Month ago

      My brother is mentally ill diagnosed and very narcissistic. His kids have autism. I think there could be a connection. My brother has strong food issues as his autistic son does. He can't eat spaghetti sauce because it has things in it etc

    • Luptuous Life
      Luptuous Life Month ago +1

      @Dee Ingram Thanks for that! It was very informative. =)

    • Dee Ingram
      Dee Ingram Month ago +1

      ru-clip.com/video/XEDda93M_mg/video.html Dr Ramani talks about the difference here

  • Kady Lady
    Kady Lady Month ago +22

    They're argumentative to the point where even when you agree with them they want to argue!

  • Tall Guy
    Tall Guy Month ago +30

    Argue, and to appear tough, they go into a rage while they humiliate you. It was the straw that broke the camels back 4 years ago being tag teamed by my brother and mother. I walked away. It was the hardest thing I ever did taking it on the chin and not fighting back. It was the right decision but not very satisfying at the time. I got more work to do on myself cuz it still makes me angry I took that verbal beat down 😵‍💫

    • Tall Guy
      Tall Guy Month ago

      @Diana Boughner thank you for that 😎

    • Diana Boughner
      Diana Boughner Month ago +2

      You stayed out of their pig-pen level of communicating. You did not stoop to theur low level of abusive behavior. Be proud of yourself and pat yourself on the back. You are the winner here. I wish I had never yelled back or stooped to their level in my own life experiences because ultimately that is what they want, to see you stoop to their level. Misery loves company and narcissists cannot see their own twisted ugliness, only yours and that excites them.

    • keep it kawaii
      keep it kawaii Month ago +2

      Sending you support. I was a scapegoat child and I know how horrifying it is to be ganged up on like that. Everyone just followed behind my narc mom and did everything she did. Cowards

    • Kat Adam
      Kat Adam Month ago +2

      @Tall Guy remember what he’s telling us all they are manipulative and their explosive arguments out of nowhere would only get worse, the triangulation is horrible.. one of them is making lies up and the other follows and good chance they are both narcissistic! It’s absolutely disgusting behavior and they know what they’re doing, they love cutting others down to feel superior.. they aren’t superior and it’s bullying behavior

    • Nigel Jackson
      Nigel Jackson Month ago +3

      You'd feel much worse now if you had participated in their emotional lunacy. Maturity is not engaging them at their own level.

  • Janet Pressler
    Janet Pressler Month ago +7

    This makes me so sad and i feel so alone since i basically have no family with her doing and saying the things she says. My dad (may he rest in peace) once said of arguments, ( excuse the grossness of it), “…the more you roll a turd, the worse it smells…”! And my sister sure can set up a terrible stink with her shaming, arguing and need to dominate a situation, no matter what the issue is!

  • Pamela Kelley
    Pamela Kelley Month ago +6

    Thank u Dr. C, having lived with this for 5 yrs I began thinking I was losing my mind. He had me going to counseling thinking I had the issues. The choice answer was NO! My psychologist finally told me it was him and diagnosed him with Narcissism after speaking with him. It made me question myself and my own integrity. I finally left this and am rebuilding my life.

  • cf johnson
    cf johnson Month ago +11

    When I want to say "I know you have a fragile sense of self" I know the narcissist will just double down. The truth hurts sometimes.

  • Rising Eagle
    Rising Eagle Month ago +21

    At times, well in most cases with a narcissist, being the bigger person does not work at all.

    It kept my ex_narcissist in my life to stay empowered completely. She found out how to push the envelope every time by me being the bigger person.

    The only answer that works against a narcissist is to “not get involved with a narcissist in the first place”.

    “No Contact” is the only effective way of dealing with them.

    Narcissist are master at getting you to argue with them; master word-smiths and spinsters, who know how to draw you in to their madness by constantly moving the “goal post”. Beware!🧐

    • Daljit Singh
      Daljit Singh Month ago +3

      Gosh!! You are so right!! Everything you've just mentioned is true amongst the people I know. I know 6 people with the same trait and counting. Stay away is the only solution and it works. They are pathetic animals only waiting to be awakened.

  • Asheley Kapelewski
    Asheley Kapelewski Month ago +5

    "Arguing with a fool..." yes, truer words were never spoken! Thank you for this episode, I have had a long term friendship with a woman who is the narcissist you speak of. I managed our friendship by being the friend who didn't argue with her, for years. In recent years safe subjects became scarce, I suppose she needed my affirmations of her most preposterous uttering and her sanctified victim hood even more. As I've matured, I also realized that I needed and deserved more from a friendship than I was getting in return. Am well into the process of "letting my end of the rope" go. I am fortunate that she's more on the vulnerable narcissist side, there is distance involved and I have an established, stable life. Have enjoyed your videos, thank you.

  • Steve Moss
    Steve Moss Month ago +4

    I've watched quite a few of these videos now, becoming increasingly depressed at the discovery/recognition that I have been in this sort of relationship for 40 years. I feel I've lost my entire life to this person. I hadn't however realised that there were all the comments, and it would seem a community to engage with. I feel desperately sorry for anyone else who is in this situation, but a bit better for knowing I'm not the only one. I have no friends or family to turn to, so if I can talk to people here who understand what's going on I'm sure it will help.

  • Stuart Hirsch
    Stuart Hirsch Month ago +14

    As always, Thanks for your understanding, wisdom, and guidance, Dr. C. Trying my best to be on and stay on team healthy. It isn't easy.

  • Leanne B
    Leanne B Month ago +21

    Thanks so much Dr Carter. Thank you for walking this journey with us. It has cleared the path in more ways than you could believe possible. Team healthy is my safe space. Thank you.
    .

  • tonya leis
    tonya leis Month ago +11

    "THEY FEAR YOUR SEPARATE OPINIONS" YESSSSSS! It was so hard to realize this, but i felt so free when i did because now i know its not me, its him

  • MyBad
    MyBad Month ago +34

    I recently just cut off my adult daughter. She accused me of all sorts of things just because I refused to cosign a loan for her. I had to cut her off because it was changing me in ways that's not healthy. I just told her she was right and that I'm sure there are many other things she could list. Then I told her she just made a really good case as to why we needed to go our separate ways and ended it with "take care of yourself". I didn't raise my daughter, her narcisstic mother did. She didn't even know I existed until she was eighteen. I've tried to have some influence in her life but after 14 years of trying it's become obvious that she's just using me. It truly is a sad and harsh reality to swallow.

    • Kimberly Smith
      Kimberly Smith Month ago

      @Laura Lynn HI Laura, it's hard for me to imagine a daughter being that way with her mother. My father was that way growing up, and my brothers got some of it, one more then the other as far as the Overt type Narcisism. I took on roll of caretaker of my sister and Mom sometimes. Later I did have some issues in life but I never spoke to either of my parents that way no matter what they had done . Is your daughter using drugs or drinking when she does that stuff?? Just curious?? Or is it just that she isn't getting her way or something else??

    • Laura Lynn
      Laura Lynn Month ago +4

      My adult daughter flies into a narc rage, she takes something so small and in a second is at nuclear explosion level, hurling insults and very hurtful things. Her perception is taking anything and twisting it to start a fight then exploding and even getting physical. I have had enough of her abuse like her father and have cut her out of my life. It’s left me numb inside. Wondering what was the point of marriage and family if all I got for my devoted effort was abused, abandoned, betrayed and then given silent treatment and left alone without them giving a second thought to how they’ve made me feel so hurt. It’s always all about them and don’t expect apologizing ever! I never thought I would give up but I need to let go for my mental health and physical health. I refuse to continue this insanity any more.

    • Janet Pattison
      Janet Pattison Month ago +6

      You Let go, that was the brave and right thing to do. We can’t keep letting the narc’s beat us up. It been about 20 years for me, & I’m finally realizing that waking up to what’s going on means letting go of the narcs. It’s not improving as I age, it’s getting worse, unfortunately.

    • Cymbolic Human
      Cymbolic Human Month ago +4

      A sad state of affairs. It's hard to meet someone, and then things get ugly.

    • Kimberly Smith
      Kimberly Smith Month ago +6

      Sadly we can not undo what we did or disnt do for our children when they were children, but I think q4 years of trying to be in her life in a capacity other then a bank card is enough, perhaps , you felt guilty and were enabling her?? This happens sometimes. Maybe at a later time, when she matures more, the two of you can resolve things. Either way, All is well. Sending good vibes. 💞💨💨💨❣❣❣

  • Jenny H
    Jenny H Month ago +40

    They sure do make stuff up as I go along and have no regard for empathy … “You “ is their favourite word , and what follows is about shaming and blaming “you “

    • Marci Robins
      Marci Robins Month ago +4

      It’s “you” when it’s negative/blame/shame, it’s “I” when they want to take all the credit, and “who” when they’re looking for somebody to blame.

    • yerrisnorris
      yerrisnorris Month ago +1

      Your comment sparked a thought.
      A lot of people who are on the other end of the cluster B spectrum say ‘I’ a lot.
      Narc: ‘you’ did this. Because ‘you’ always ‘your’ fault
      borderline: but ‘I’ think, ‘I’ am, because ‘I’
      It’s like they are trapped kind of bouncing off each other’s egos because they are externalising emotions that happen to fit hand in glove.

  • Julie Tamalo
    Julie Tamalo Month ago +12

    I can't thank you enough for the insightful explanation and the wonderful revelation, Dr. Carter. It's exactly the context on how everything going on. Happy Thanksgiving to you and Laura and blessings 🙏🎉

  • Mama ShanShan
    Mama ShanShan Month ago +26

    Ty always, I truly appreciate your words, it absolutely makes so much sense. Happy Thanksgiving to all, much love, & keep at peace💫

  • Jerrie Elaire
    Jerrie Elaire Month ago +18

    I finally had to “no contact” My 51 year old daughter. It’s really sad but I cannot go on with her any longer. So if I have to spend my holidays without her it’s worth it. I just cannot tolerate her behavior any longer so I will not reward it.

    • Love4rightreasons
      Love4rightreasons Month ago +4

      I'm 51 and free from a controlling narcissist mother. First Thanksgiving to not be around the manipulation and lies. A new beginning long overdue. Some parents are just horrible to their adult children.

    • Joan Wilkins
      Joan Wilkins Month ago +9

      Dear Jerrie Elaire. I am just about to no contact my daughter who is 47. Sick of being worn to a frazzle with her nit picking nasty comments on my opinions and my life. It has got to the point where I shudder at the thought of her coming into my home and I am now 74, quite healthy and I deserve some peace. Thank you so much for putting up your comment.

  • Y H
    Y H Month ago +3

    Over the last 5-6 years, I hadn't been able to put my finger on it but realised recently that my youngest son is narcissistic. He has all the behaviour's and its soul-destroying. My husband is intimidated by him and my son knows this. I hate what he does to me emotionally and has made me feel like a horrible mother. I look forward to him moving away from home. My eldest son has some traits as well. Have to admit, I've not really enjoyed motherhood.

  • Da Pam aka Measure Twice

    The biggest single Red Flag to watch for is the arguing

    • Changeless Madness
      Changeless Madness Month ago

      Only if you LET them...

    • AlwaysStampinVideos
      AlwaysStampinVideos Month ago

      @けいりい you are 100% correct

    • けいりい
      けいりい Month ago +2

      @AlwaysStampinVideos omg that's like me, i was even thinking i was a narcissist because they said i was but i have obviously learned im not because a narcissist wouldn't even question if they are one and obviously they have no empathy and i am filled with empathy,they are very good at making you feel crazy.

    • Gillian Brookwell
      Gillian Brookwell Month ago +1

      @Surviving Narcissism I put up with his behaviour for years, not realizing how controlling narcissists operate; I'm finally free. Thank you for your very informative videos.

    • AlwaysStampinVideos
      AlwaysStampinVideos Month ago +10

      I wish i had had the red flag of arguing BEFORE saying “i do.”

  • US Citizen
    US Citizen Month ago +4

    Listen to this very sad story about my narcissistic mother: I tried for years to have a holiday celebration at our home. It happened one year (a very special circumstance) but she told me "Yes, it was OK but it wasn't right!" Years later she told me "You can do the holiday meals the way you want when I can't do them anymore or I'm dead." A few years after that my father died and now it's impossible to have holiday meals as hoped for all these years, because my heartfelt desire was to have both my parents at our home. Narcissists have no regard for anyone but themselves! And what's more, they have some "book" of rules they expect you to follow. If you don't "you're not doing it right".

    • Brenda Krause
      Brenda Krause 22 days ago

      The invisible book of rules that changes constantly.

  • Christine Platon
    Christine Platon Month ago +20

    Emotionally weak, fear based. How to teach them Emotional Intelligence? This is what they lack. The empathic person...feels and processes emotions, they are stoic with a lack of ability to connect to another with true care and concern.. it's all about them.

    • Foxie Dog
      Foxie Dog Month ago +4

      Look up the word , sociopath. These people may act like they are listening, but the whole time they are convinced it's your fault and If anyone else knows what the problem is, they have to say something bad about you, convince them you are the problem and they are always working and providing everything you want,( that is such a joke )
      It will never work with a narcissist, I think they don't have a heart .

    • Christine Platon
      Christine Platon Month ago +4

      Felicia, they don't want to learn because they already know everything. You are supposed to bow before them and understand this!!!!? So, what IS YOUR PROBLEM? They are. And, they like to be your problem. I said to mine, you enjoy harassing me he said, " whatever it takes to get my way". With not a care in the world for what his shit sessions cost me.

    • Felicia Spears
      Felicia Spears Month ago +9

      They can't be taught because they don't want to learn.

  • cindykrista
    cindykrista Month ago +7

    Married to a covert for fifty years I get it. No problem with disengaging. The recent flurry of new people I have come across are more nuanced and harder to suss out until I find that what you are speaking about is so VERY common but in degrees so slight that you don't really notice until you are all the way into another lesser narcissist. Good grief. Will I EVER be able to spot this behavior BEFORE I get too involved with befriending them?

  • Caryl Fontaine
    Caryl Fontaine Month ago +6

    This is the most accurate description of my 28 yo daughter in law..sigh. I'm in Healthcare and about ready to start my 16 hour shift..I love my job. I feel like crying because I have not been able to pin point her diagnosis, sigh. I will pop in now and again but I cannot express how grateful I am that I subscribed to your channel many months ago..thank-you for your hard work!

  • Lise Guignard
    Lise Guignard Month ago +15

    Thank you for this, Doc. I am managing a bully at work and I need all the help I can get. :)

    • AlwaysStampinVideos
      AlwaysStampinVideos Month ago +9

      Fist bump to ya! Work bullies are the worst sometimes! No one to tell you they understand because no one wants to lose their job or get on anyone’s “bad side.” Hang in there!

    • Lene Brantley
      Lene Brantley Month ago +5

      Co workers narc are the worse because you want to maintain professionalism. Boundaries and being very direct is a must. They will try to take you over and run all over you. Be slow to speak, quick to listen and slow to anger. Good luck, it's not easy dealing with them.

  • Tami White
    Tami White Month ago +15

    The argument are circular and extremely ridiculous. I walked away towards the end so I would not have hear the nonsense. It is so sad that noone can have a different opinion. My God the lack of self awareness is amazing to me.

  • MysticEmpress
    MysticEmpress Month ago +3

    Awesome video. It is very difficult co-parenting with a narcissist. They are repelled by accountability and empathy. I learned to not force anyone to understand. Texting is amazing because it is a record of what is said without them twisting words. They feel empowered when you engage in an argument because they feel they still have a piece of you.

  • Truth Serum
    Truth Serum Month ago +5

    Thank You for this video; this one is especially helpful. Arguing is actually a habit; a coping mechanism if you will, especially with those who are diagnosed with untreated adhd. I know; I've lived with three such individuals, and it took a lifetime to get this information.

    • Claire Felong
      Claire Felong Month ago +1

      Also, high correspondence of narcissism with high-functioning autism (which also overlaps with adhd). Thanks for pointing out that it is probably a coping mechanism. We've dealt with these with our adult son who is brilliant but poor emotional intelligence (he is learning). We taught him to be logical but he then advanced to using it against us. I must say that he recently participated in a neurodiversity program, sponsored by Stanford and local high tech programs, that has done wonders in giving him other tools for communication and self control. He occasionally reverts back to argumentation but recovers quickly. We are fortunate that as parents we have been on the same page with him. I'm sure there are as many reasons for narcissism as there are people with it but there is hope.

  • Christine Waloszczyk
    Christine Waloszczyk Month ago +3

    Recently, I came up with a natural response that seemed to work. After being cursed at for something I said, my face hazed over and I gaslighted very calmly, "What brought that on? I don't even remember what I said." They immediately pulled the stonewalling, unable to verbalize why they did it. So, shaking my head I told them, "Well whatever it was, you're welcome!" It felt so good to see them so confused for a change.

    • keep it kawaii
      keep it kawaii Month ago

      It feels GREAT to finally one up them. But it's dangerous too.

  • Lisa Marie Pagliei
    Lisa Marie Pagliei Month ago +3

    I love your videos, Les.. I actually had an online appointment with a therapist yesterday. She looked about 19 years old and the only reason I say that is because it was so pronounced, I just felt instantly there simply wasn't going to be enough life experience, regardless of her education level, to get what I had to say. So she asked what's going on. I started at the beginning. In 45 minutes, she never once asked any questions; she made no comments and then, the screen just went blank. Without a word she ended the session. This has been my experience with EVERYONE, every entity that I've reached out to over the past 14 years. You can't make that up.

  • Umesh G
    Umesh G Month ago +11

    When dealing with a narcissist
    GO DEEP
    Do not Defend
    Do not Engage
    Do not Explain
    Do not Personalise
    Dr Ramani Durvasula

  • Jaya O'M
    Jaya O'M Month ago +5

    Thank you for these videos. My father died three years ago and I feel like I understand him much better now than I ever did when he was alive!! I got him to go to counseling a few times with me a few years before he died and he was terrified in the waiting room (seemed strange at that time because his degree was in psychology). After three times he told my husband that he didn't think that things were ever going to work out between us. It was so weird at that time that he was ready to end our relationship completely after speaking to me about serious issues for the first time in my life! But he was a super emotional weakling! He literally yelled at the beginning of the first session "I'm a really great guy!!!" He couldn't handle that narrative being questioned in the smallest way.

  • Laura McAllister
    Laura McAllister Month ago +43

    They are low in trait agreeableness. Highly disagreeable. Competitive in everything.

    • Jack Petersen
      Jack Petersen 21 day ago

      Laura McAllister,You look cute 🌷🌹,Hope you are not with a narcissist!

  • Pegi Haider
    Pegi Haider Month ago +8

    Happy Thanksgiving, Dr. C. Your videos have helped me so much, but this one has to be one of the best. (At 68, am still healing from a severely covert narcissist mother even after her being deceased since 2009.) Your videos though offer not only clarity of the past but technic and hope for the future. Thank you so much. God bless.

  • K Jabber
    K Jabber Month ago +3

    I think I have at least some narcissistic tendencies... So I'm struggling with something...to my way of thinking, some of the items mentioned here to deal with narcissists seem to be somewhat narcissistic themselves.

    Is the point here to not argue and move on? Avoid trying to control what the other person thinks? Is there ever a time where "you" is not considered narcissistic in a disagreement?

    At the risk of TMI, my partner cheated on me. So when we descend into an argument about what happened and how to deal with it, should I avoid the "you cheated" or "you lied" or "you hurt the family and we are still dealing with the consequences" ? Is using the apparently pejorative "you" in this context still considered to be narcissistic on my part?

    I'm sure I'm over simplifying, but really trying to focus on how I deal with others and the things I can correct...

    • sam likesfruit
      sam likesfruit Month ago

      They spend your whole life putting you down criticising blaming and shaming then when you start to realise what they've done and point it out how wrong it was of them to hit you/rape you/steal from you then suddenly they use the dignified silence and you become the crazy narcissist being accusatory and abusive!

  • Lady Elliott
    Lady Elliott Month ago +2

    You have SOOOO helped me understand the narcissistic actions of … several people in my life - first - my raging Mother. I was just so naive being a little,skinny, farm girl against a city girl, my Mother. I have to say, instinctually,I followed so many of the ways to thwart a narcissist. But sooooo difficult being a high schooler, college age & early 20s, not understanding that fundamentally, my mother was actually a narcissist who constantly berated me & told me “ I was so god damn dumb”. Then I made the mistake of marrying a Napoleonic (short) narcissist, who after less than a year of marriage, beat the shit out of me, all because of a ridiculous reason: I didn’t have in my contacts at supper time, that he had paid for. I learned later that he was just looking for an excuse. BAM! Then the beating took place & happened over 2 hours. Afterwards, I did the best thing I could - I waited until he left for the wknd, called my loving, always faithful Dad, & I took 95% of everything & left. The husband didn’t care about me honestly, & knew so little about me, that it took him 4 wks to find out where I went. Then! I was untouchable & finally mature enough to be independent.

    • Surviving Narcissism
      Surviving Narcissism  Month ago +2

      So pleased to know I've been part of your journey, Lady Elliott. You're why I do the videos. Keep learning! Dr. C

  • Southern Born
    Southern Born 28 days ago +3

    Our daughter has created an entire fantasy world, an utterly untrue version of her childhood. Our younger daughter absolutely tried in every way for years to tell her that’s not AT ALL the childhood she remembered.

  • Lynda Brown
    Lynda Brown Month ago +16

    Dr. C, I just had to laugh out loud when you said "Manipulation out the wazoo!" Lol! 😄Thank you for who you are as such a caring person and doctor, Dr. C...and give Gus a hug for me, please! 😍

  • Anjolique Soleil
    Anjolique Soleil Month ago +14

    one of the best videos you have done for helping people to deal with this topic... thank you so much ♥️

  • Candy Williams
    Candy Williams Month ago +2

    Thank you so much for confirming the actions of my 15 year old granddaughter
    as we listened to your explanation regarding the habits her mood changed
    Amazing 🥰🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿

  • Yovanii Red
    Yovanii Red Month ago +3

    I've had a narc tell me facts and logic didn't matter after arguing for their supply from a Discord server. It was about being right. They said that word for word. Their little face lit up. They drive their supply away after a few weeks, but they always got fresh supply from online to argue with when I stopped and we only said 50 words a day to each other max, because of their need for arguments and chaotic voices all around.

    Nope, the supply store was closed. But of course they liked it when I sat there and listened to them rant about how they were "right" in the argument, and how everyone else who disagreed with their authority with "childish and wrong", and they started to bristle if they even got wind of me "taking the other person's side" or thought the whole thing was a disguised ego trip blown out of proportion. They even told me since I don't argue anymore and am bland and boring (long-term gray rock), and not full of life like I was (like they like), they had to "get *it* (the supply) from somewhere."
    Word for word again.

    Pure narc. The funny thing was the narc loved to snoop on my computer history about narcissism and (of course) started throwing around narc terms and labeling other people as narcs as a weapon when they questioned them or disagreed. Ugh. These people DO not change. They are effed up in the brains till the day they die. No cure.
    Glad I got rid of it. The trick is to lie to the narc and say that of "course" you can keep in touch to dissuade any anger or the usual narc rage and scheming, and let the narc feel they will have some backup supply. No, get out like a bat out of hell and never talk to the turd again.

  • Set Apart To Serve
    Set Apart To Serve Month ago +6

    I just want to stop by and thank you for giving
    me an eye opening about Narcissist people back in 2019.
    Had no idea what this meant until I viewed your channel, it has
    been very informative giving me the courage to move forward in life
    from relatives of such behavior. Thank you!

  • Space Max
    Space Max Month ago +3

    It's hard not to get defensive with the belittling tactics etc.
    And with the blaming tactics etc.

    It would be easier if people just took accountability.
    Instead of being blamed for other people's choices.

    Like: "I'm acting like this because YOU made me mad."
    Instead of: "I'm acting like this because I'm choosing to express my anger this way."

    I've been raised by a mother who didn't take accountability for her actions.
    I also became a mother who didn't take accountability for my actions.

    It's important to be taught how to do it.
    If you're not, you don't even know what it looks like...
    But avoid doing it because
    1) you don't want to, and
    2) even if you wanted to, you don't know how.

    It took years and years and years for me to learn after not seeing how I impacted the relationships I had with people and why they ended because of the choices I made...

    Being responsible for making the better choices, in the first place
    is different than being accountable for making bad choices.