Why ‘mom guilt’ is an unreasonable term | Lauren Smith Brody

  • Published on Jan 12, 2019
  • New videos DAILY: bigth.ink/youtube
    Join Big Think Edge for exclusive videos: bigth.ink/Edge
    Smarter Faster™
    Big Think is the leading source of expert-driven, actionable, educational content -- with thousands of videos, featuring experts ranging from Bill Clinton to Bill Nye, we help you get smarter, faster. S​ubscribe to learn from top minds like these daily. Get actionable lessons from the world’s greatest thinkers & doers. Our experts are either disrupting or leading their respective fields. ​We aim to help you explore the big ideas and core skills that define knowledge in the 21st century, so you can apply them to the questions and challenges in your own life.
    Other Frequent contributors include Michio Kaku & Neil DeGrasse Tyson.
    Michio Kaku Playlist: bigth.ink/kaku
    Bill Nye Playlist: bigth.ink/BillNye
    Neil DeGrasse Tyson Playlist: bigth.ink/deGrasseTyson
    Read more at Bigthink.com for a multitude of articles just as informative and satisfying as our videos. New articles posted daily on a range of intellectual topics.
    Join Big Think Edge, to gain access to a world-class learning platform focused on building the soft skills essential to 21st century success. It features insight from many of the most celebrated and intelligent individuals in the world today. Topics on the platform are focused on: emotional intelligence, digital fluency, health and wellness, critical thinking, creativity, communication, career development, lifelong learning, management, problem solving & self-motivation.
    BIG THINK EDGE: bigth.ink/Edge
    If you're interested in licensing this or any other Big Think clip for commercial or private use, contact our licensing partner, Executive Interviews: bigth.ink/licensing
    Follow Big Think here:
    📰BigThink.com: bigth.ink
    🧔Facebook: bigth.ink/facebook
    🐦Twitter: bigth.ink/twitter
    📸Instagram: bigth.ink/Instragram
    📹RU-clip: bigth.ink/youtube
    ✉ E-mail: info@bigthink.com

Comments • 199

  • Jose Luis Borrageiro
    Jose Luis Borrageiro 11 months ago

    Beyonce was right! If you like it.. put a Ring on it!
    Women, please keep your legs closed until AFTER you get Married. Don't fall for the sweet talk that males do, when looking for Lust (They are not looking for LOVE).

  • Robert Jung
    Robert Jung Year ago

    Just think if there were such a thing as health care for all? Hmm, the Scandinavian model works, the US system sucks, I mean is non existent. You guys need to fight for what's right. Go for it, there is nothing wrong with fairness!

  • alexander g
    alexander g Year ago

    Women can't have it all, accept the fact!!!

  • Luke Fairbanks
    Luke Fairbanks Year ago

    Guys, chill out. She's literally advocating for more paid parental leave. I really hope I get a few months off to welcome my future baby into the world, maybe working from home if I have to

  • geeksquad smarty
    geeksquad smarty Year ago

    Aren't feelings individualized.

  • Unworshipediety
    Unworshipediety Year ago

    Oh wait it's a video of women talking about women, so of course, subscribers to this channel will vote it down. Because screw the other 50% of the planet's population. If you're reading this... don't waste your time with the comments of this video it's pure trash as usual.

  • Felipe Bologna
    Felipe Bologna Year ago

    Definitley a very important issue to address parent-leave, specially in the US is horrible how little people get; missing the first months of your child is a terrible thing. And education should continue it's way of changing roles to a more present father and a mother able to continue their careers and projects as well. I think times are shifting for good, but without adjusting the time a parent is able to spend with a newborn, not sure how far it can get.

  • Dyllan Miller
    Dyllan Miller Year ago

    Easy fix for this. Don't have kids. Problem solved.

  • Ellen the Cat
    Ellen the Cat Year ago

    Can't believe there are many sexists in the comments down below. I am not even bothered to argue with them. Unfortunately, those can't see who also truly benefit from parental leave - Dads! The job market is changing in this new age. More gender neutral careers are increasing. Not Like in the past - your parents' generation, you didn't get choice when there were high demanding in human labor. The future world will be more automatic. Wake up those whose mind are still lingering in the old world!

  • Josh Philips
    Josh Philips Year ago

    This video is problematic.

  • Little House on The Hill

    I don't understand why people get paid leave to have kids. I'm self employed

  • BriArya16
    BriArya16 Year ago

    Wow, I didn't realize so many people were experts on this. She is just trying to bring light to it not say this is all exactly what's wrong. Then she said the word feminism and everyone flips out, these comments are why these conversations are taking so long. If you're a man and you're upset about this then go learn every th ing about child raising and prove people wrong, saying feminism caused this when it's a relatively newer term that's gained traction. Feminism isn't bad just because you don't like the word.

  • Julez
    Julez Year ago

    I'm a simple man. I see a Big Think video about women and I click it to see how badly the MRAs have brigadiered it after only reading the title.

  • Ita Co
    Ita Co Year ago

    i like the video

  • sushanalone
    sushanalone Year ago +1

    2:18 to all those snowflakes who did not actually WATCH the video to this time-stamp, yes she does talk about Dad-Guilt and even advocates to allow Dads to get leave.
    Guess what where i am from Dads do get parental leave, moms get 18 months a lifetime maternal leave. Start blaming your stupid American workaholic and self obsessed culture and work environment.
    It was a fairly reasonable video , yes women give birth, they have to go through a lot of extra shit , and respecting that does not make one a Feminazi or diminish the hard-work that a working father brings in. And there is a point, if a woman is susceptible to leave within a month of rejoining after a baby, and if a dad takes a leave to support her get adjusted to the new life and she stays employed now for 1 year or 2, yes that is a massive boost to the family income, not to mention her employability and income rise in long term, and you are a good partner to do that for her.
    Stop getting your panties in a knot and watch the whole video.

  • Electronite1337
    Electronite1337 Year ago

    She accidentally debunked pay gap by admitting that for every month father takes parental leave mothers life time earnings rise 7 percent. So no systemic patriarchal system oppressing women but life choices. Everybody knows these factors but of course feminists.

  • Dan Sullivan
    Dan Sullivan Year ago

    Feminist nonsense. Women deserve more and men should be the ones feeling guilty.
    The feminist notion that both parents should work puts materialism ahead of the well-being of the child. Meanwhile, the macroeconomic effect is to oversupply the labor market and drive down wages. Moms feel guilty because they are operating in conflict with their own maternal instincts, and the guilt is a sign that they need to take those instincts more seriously.

  • Afreen Jahan Rabiya
    Afreen Jahan Rabiya Year ago +2

    This comment section is very depressing. Can't believe some people still haven't evolved beyond the Middle Ages.

  • michael blacktree

    Women are being told that they can essentially work 2 full-time jobs (career and parenting) because they're "empowered". Instead, they get burnt-out. Maybe we should stop telling them that garbage.

  • chescarino
    chescarino Year ago

    i'd bloody love to stay home from work and bring my children up. women have perfected the art of complaining and distorting any given situation to make them out to be mistreated

  • Daniel Muñoz
    Daniel Muñoz Year ago +2

    I dont understand why some comments are too trigger by this message. She say that women dont feel guilty for do what they think its right, or if you feel so, resolve the root of your feeling. And men should be more involve in parenthood, whats it absolute true. Now days fathers are less present that before pre industrial revolution society.

  • Justin Worboys
    Justin Worboys Year ago

    “We shouldn’t have mom guilt, it is unhealthy”
    “Men should have dad guilt”
    And her “oh this isn’t just for binary” -- is so amazing offense to the non-cis-heteronormative family.
    Like, seriously, if a white man came out with this it would be ALL OVER THE INTERNET for being so oppressive.

  • Jakob Hyer
    Jakob Hyer Year ago

    Why does this channel fucking support dumbasses like this!??! Literally nobody and I mean NOBODY wants to hear what they see as “factual statements/facts” from these morons. I really like this channel but you guys need to take control and stop posting this fake intellectual shit! One more and I’ll unsubscribe and ask all my friends who are subscribed to you to also do the same. Would love a reply from y’all if possible.

  • Interesting View
    Interesting View Year ago

    I took a month off work to watch the kids and my wife didn't get any pay increases. It's almost as if correlation is not causation. Maybe if dad is working less, then it's because mom was already earning more money. So the more dad stays home, the more likely mom is to already be a bigger wage earner. I didn't even write a book about it and I figured this out in two seconds...

  • Bas
    Bas Year ago +3

    in conclusion: Women feel bad about the decisions they make themselves, and it's the responsibility of the man to fix this.
    yet another way to infantilize women and blame all their struggles on men

  • K. Wright
    K. Wright Year ago

    What is all this shit we keep piling on? Life's tough. Deal with it.

  • Frmr Christian
    Frmr Christian Year ago +1

    I've personally never heard the term!

  • TeleTube
    TeleTube Year ago

    Heaven forbid we burden women with the task of taking care of their own defenseless babies. As if partial-birth abortions weren't enough. The guilt is innate and evolutionary. No amount of self-deluded caca and poo poo is gonna change that. Deal with it bitches, you've got responsibilities.

  • Mr J3nk0
    Mr J3nk0 Year ago

    It's like nobody has considered that Marxist Feminisms ideas ARE THE CAUSE of these guiltly feelings.....
    Marxisms whole trick is to set up inner conflicts in classes of people where one ought to feel guilty about those who have less than you do (across any metric) while at the same time be frustrated by those who have more than you. Whether in wealth, time, support or happiness, you name it.
    It's purpose- to con you into supporting the notion that you ought to be producing to support others and not for yourself.
    It's an old stratergy. Now mothers themselves have become their pawns.

  • Blood Angel
    Blood Angel Year ago +2

    Can you have it all? No. You want everything done your way? Stop that. Problem solved. You're welcome.

  • m_ita0
    m_ita0 Year ago

    You feel guilty cause you are!

  • duhmez
    duhmez Year ago

    Moms take longer leave because their pusies are all beat up and need to heal. Dad doesn't wanna be nailing some beat up and swolen pussy!

  • Solarth
    Solarth Year ago

    This is anti-feminist, fuck you and fuck feminism!

  • big5astra
    big5astra Year ago

    I think they should legislate that from now on, only men should get pregnant and look after the baby so Mums can rid themselves of this terrible guilt.

  • Tan Akpek
    Tan Akpek Year ago

    See this is why liberalism has gone too far. This general assumption that feelings such as guilt, shame, envy, rage are bad and they should be minimized in society is merely against human nature and inhibits our most optimal functioning. Yes we should try to create environments in which people will need less of these feelings to succeed but we cannot so directly prevent people from feeling these when it is natural that they need it most of the time. This pointless hedonism to eradicate every single bad feeling takes meaning away from our lives, our regrets make us wiser, we cannot strive for arbitrary ecstasy because it doesn't exist without drugs or alterations to the brain. In this particular case, "mom guilt" is the mother's endeavor to always make the best decisions for the well-being of the child. She becomes overcritical of her actions and constantly feels the need to rectify her mistakes. This helps her raise the child diligently. Same goes for dads. You cannot just assume this feeling is unreasonable and you also shouldn't try to give people unnatural ideas that rewire their brains so they become less attentive to their children. Yes the feeling is guilt and yes even if it doesn't "feel nice" people should go through it because it helps us as a species.

  • 01001000 01010100

    get you shit together big think , i thought only intellectual people can give talks on this platform , you're sinking just like GENIUS is .

  • Kekero
    Kekero Year ago +2

    Hey if you want to work, work.
    If you want to be a housewife, be a housewife. Don’t try to do either for some group ideal like feminism or traditional beliefs. Go be your own person.
    But hey if you truly want to be both. find a partner that will share the burden of child rearing.

    • Staley Pharmaceuticals
      Staley Pharmaceuticals Year ago

      Holy shit! That was rational! Thank you. I sincerely mean this. Simplistic yet so true. 🖤

  • Brandon Nolet
    Brandon Nolet Year ago

    30% of women dropping out of the workforce within the first year sounds like a pretty trivial statistic. Sounds like it doesn't really point to a bigger problem at all. Lack of respect from the country for new parenthood would more likely be directed at any male who even attempts to take some time off for their child. Guilt for being a parent when you find you have a work/life imbalance should probably be reserved for when you're purposely neglecting your child, not putting them in someone's care so that you can work and provide for your family.

  • Succulent Lord
    Succulent Lord Year ago

    That thumbnail image is very clever.

  • Basillio11
    Basillio11 Year ago

    Our country or our corporate sponsored government officials....Lets get our adversaries straight lady.

  • Gpeps22
    Gpeps22 Year ago

    Just wondering: if mom's income increases 7% for every month the dad takes off, how much does the dad's lifetime income either decrease or stall as compared to dad's who did not take the leave?

  • Mystery Yoghurt
    Mystery Yoghurt Year ago +7

    LOL the comments are conditioned to deny that post natal depression exists.
    Oh my god. The anti SJWs are borderline deluded at this point. Anything that talks about women. ANYTHING. Yikes.

    • Mystery Yoghurt
      Mystery Yoghurt Year ago

      @Azure Zakuro Well, my initial post was in reference to the STAGGERING kneejerk by anti-SJWs to a very important topic.
      If you're not gonna reframe the context of a discussion, then I'm just gonna assume we're working along that foundation, my man.
      You are entirely irrelevant to the scream. Unless you're part of the kneejerk. Then you're relevant again. =P
      I should ALSO note that you didn't lay out 2 counterpoints. You just exclaimed that there were only 2 ways to tackle this problem.
      Which, I have to be honest, is so completely incorrect I wonder how you even came to that conclusion.
      Post-natal depression isn't like normal depression. It's an observed effect that is directly tied to standards of baby rearing. It is being thrown a task where everything is suddenly at stake; and your life choices suddenly narrow.
      It normally takes YEARS of crushing despair to get to this kind of situation. But throw a baby in the mix, and you can hit it in a week.
      I'm not sure what you wanna talk about in this regard, seeing as this entire thread is the result of me expressing disbelief at the retardation of the people involved in this comment-bomb, at large. :P

    • Azure Zakuro
      Azure Zakuro Year ago

      @Mystery Yoghurt okay i claimed none of those things. Post natal depression is real, i know this full well iv watched my mother go through it after my sister was born but heres the thing:
      A: Raising awareness is a great tool and yes should be used but understand depression is depression, when it hits it comes down to you not the level of prepared. as well as those around you
      B: where did scream "men are under attack, and feminist are evil"? all i said was heres 2 counter points, im open to discuss. Sounds like you projecting a lot of things on me right now.

    • Mystery Yoghurt
      Mystery Yoghurt Year ago +1

      @Azure Zakuro In addition to what I said below, the girl in this vid actually LAYS OUT a 3rd option. And a 4th option. Both based on research in her field.
      so option H: Stop calling ALL forms of post-natal depression 'mom guilt', and tackle them individually.
      Option I: Consider having dads take care of the kid during a period of its early development, to allow the working mother to go back to work for a time and keep pace.
      Not only does she claim that this almost eliminates the weird depression that sticks with the mother, it also has a better effect on the father/son relationship over time.
      WEIRD, right? Information in a video? And here I was just downvoting it because women were talking about being depressed. :P

    • Mystery Yoghurt
      Mystery Yoghurt Year ago

      @Blue Jay k.

    • Mystery Yoghurt
      Mystery Yoghurt Year ago +1

      @Azure Zakuro c: we better equip women for post-natal depression through awareness campaigns. Or d: parental support efforts (like hotlines?)
      You could think up a million ways to tackle this kind of thing. I don't think whining that men are under attack and screaming that depressed girls are evil feminists is a particularly great approach. But we'll file that under e, amiright? :P

  • Blue Jay
    Blue Jay Year ago

    Another dumb feminist blaming other people for personal problems.
    Serious how fuck am I supposed to help you with your guilt GTFO.

  • umiluv
    umiluv Year ago

    Well the focus for moms shouldn’t be that they go to work to leave their kids. They go to work FOR their kids.
    I want to be a stay at home mom but I HAVE to go back to work because it’s impossible to survive off of only one income stream. I don’t want to live paycheck to paycheck and I want to save for our son’s higher education along with saving for a house and retirement. Impossible with only one salary unless your spouse is making $200k a year.
    Every parent makes choices with what they have to do FOR their family. Every parent has felt guilt. It’s up to you to not wallow in it and spend that extra time with your kids to make sure they know you love them.

  • Chris A
    Chris A Year ago +2

    Wtf is going on with this channel today? If these two last videos are "big think" then you might be interested in some of my ideas too. I come here to gain knowledge, not to feel like someone is reading out twitter comments while being filmed.

  • Gulgathydra
    Gulgathydra Year ago

    Only a feminist would look at our society and think that we do not *respect the whammen!*

  • G FATHER1259
    G FATHER1259 Year ago +2

    If you have a child you inherit a mantle of responsibility. This goes for parents but, we are all in this world. We all share this mantel

  • Daniel Swinger
    Daniel Swinger Year ago

    You should feel guilty!!

  • gopal v
    gopal v Year ago

    2 months more paid leaves..lol.....then what paid leave till the child become adult and get a job and support self ..lol..who will do the work. Getting a person in to this world is your god damn decision/problem so be responsible , plan it. and work for it dont just expect other to work for you, give every thing for free just because your are having a child. Life is hard just accept it and pick your sacrifice thats what everyone is doing, stop spreading a victim narrative.

    • gopal v
      gopal v Year ago

      ​@umiluv wow ..now we are talking about society/community .....what happen to this community , when we have this thought to bring a new one in to it, even though we all know that most of population dont have basic needs and most are wasting already existing resources.. what happen when this community have orphans most even dont know why they exists .
      If we really want to help the community then lets help them ..but no no no no ..we want our own fucking thing.. isnt it? We are so selfless that we bring new some one in to this world without even asking their permission, let them suffer and hope this community to selflessly clean this child's ass with out asking a damn question..wow.. great... "selfless act of the generation". What else we should do as community? How about killing current citizens so health care can support new one?
      Community can only do soo much and please there are more important problems to be solved, for that we need more independent, strong and responsible minds in our community. Bringing a new one in to world even knowing all this is most selfish act one could do in their life time.
      Raising a child is a full time job and one already have a time demanding full time job, one think that they are incompetent for multiple jobs, then should choose which one is important. Prioritize the jobs, stick with that . Same applies to all partners involved in the production irrespective of genders (parents), so, its parents responsibility.
      Parents should plan for this years ahead not after child got out in to the world. We wont do our part and expect community to do its part. And wonder why it said "FUCK OFF ". lol..very funny.
      So, all I ask is please stop spreading victim narrative, thats all problems in our lives is because of society. We already have enough irresponsible citizens who leave in their moms basement and unemployment funds, we dont need more like them so stop this narrative. Just take the responsibility.

    • umiluv
      umiluv Year ago

      gopal v - your assumption that kids are only the parents’ responsibility. We as a community/nation have a responsibility to help parents with their kids too at least indirectly. We should care about the hardships of parents and their children if we expect to derive benefits from the success of the children in the future.
      It’s not as cut and dry as “your kids are your responsibility only”. Then if that’s the case, those kids should only care for the benefits of their parents and no one else. They shouldn’t have to pay taxes for anyone else’s benefit. But they will.
      Your mindset is extremely selfish and only self preserving. You seem to not care about the community and society as a whole. That’s the problem we have today. Shareholders don’t give a fuck about benefits for employees and people don’t give a fuck about how kids are raised. It’s a free for all and fuck everyone else.

    • gopal v
      gopal v Year ago

      @umiluv sorry, I don't get it, what do my comment have any thing to do with "social security"?

    • umiluv
      umiluv Year ago

      gopal v - well if you care about social security later on, that kid’s help paying for yours if you don’t have any kids.

  • Dartanion_
    Dartanion_ Year ago

    More big no think. Our country doesn’t have an overall opinion about anything. We are individuals making free choices. Don’t like what someone else says or thinks you do not have to care. Sticks and stones...

  • Kayte Weeks
    Kayte Weeks Year ago +1

    I’m so sick of women acting like they’re prized possessions in society because they had a baby. Everyone has had a baby. If you’re guilty for going to work when you had a baby, maybe you shouldn’t have had one.

  • Robby
    Robby Year ago +27

    Big think has really gone down the toilet lately

    • Kekero
      Kekero Year ago +5

      Robby it’s Almost like they allow different opinions. Jesus they let Jordan Peterson on regularly just stop being a snowflake and learn to encounter different opinions.

  • The Last White Male
    The Last White Male Year ago +37

    This mentality is exactly what leads to dead-beat parents. You don’t get to do the whole “what I want” when you’re a parent. The “its all about me” attitude when having a child. It’s not about you! It’s about what’s best for your kid!
    This is why the western birth rate is so low.

    • Shway
      Shway 3 months ago

      There should be one year of paid family leave, free childcare.

  • J Ribs
    J Ribs Year ago

    Why does she keep saying ‘our culture’ doesn’t respect new mothers. The fuck? What does that even mean? What culture does she think is superior? Or is it all cultures? Why not just criticize humanity at this point?

  • David Lloyd-Jones
    David Lloyd-Jones Year ago +1

    Every day could be "take your kids to work" day if we were serious about ourselves. If offices are factories for women workers, then why don't they all have nurseries?
    I'm not claiming that would be any ideal of family relations, male-female or parent-child. It just seems to me the very first small step off rock-bottom of ignorance, stupidity and savagery in the way we go about designing a society.

    • umiluv
      umiluv Year ago

      Justin M - Also, guess who’s going to be paying for your universal health insurance when you get older... Yah... it’s those “lifestyle choices” that will be.

    • umiluv
      umiluv Year ago

      Justin M - also the US dollar goes far in certain parts of America. Doesn’t go very far in places like California or New York City.

    • umiluv
      umiluv Year ago

      Justin M - shit... everyone is catering for trans people to have their “lifestyle choice”. To the point where governments are advocating for businesses to require certain bathrooms and where people are required by law to call them by their preferred pronoun. Yet, we can’t support parents and their kids?
      It’s the fucking twilight zone...

    • umiluv
      umiluv Year ago

      Justin M - the government doesn’t consider having children a personal lifestyle choice. The government actually gives benefits to taxpayers for having children and that’s because they want people to have children. What’s the point of even having a long term civilization if we don’t give a fuck about people having kids?
      Having a pet is a lifestyle choice. Having kids is furthering the future of your community and country. That’s a huge difference.

    • Justin M
      Justin M Year ago

      @umiluv My original comment was why should a business have to pay for the lifestyle choices of it's employees. That's a universal question not one solely directed at US employees. Just because you think Australian's are better off doesn't mean we can't have opinions about things in other countries. Also, our universal healthcare is not nearly as good as you are led to believe. It's odd that it is constantly used as an example of what the US should implement. I don't think maternity/paternity should be a thing. That falls under 'lifestyle choices', something that an employer shouldn't have to pay for.
      I agree with you on minimum wage. Ours is about $18 an hour/US$13. So almost double what you make. However in the US you get more bang for your buck than we do. And before you ask, yes I've been to the US many many times. NYC, Seattle and TX mostly. Things are cheaper. So much so, I used to get US friends to purchase Christmas presents for my niece and nephews there and ship them to me. Even with shipping it was still a lot cheaper. One of my sisters and her family lived in the US for 2 years for work and was amazed at how cheap things were. $7 is shit though. That needs to be worked on.
      Back to the daycare issue. I agree that if employees want on site daycare, they should pay for it. That's actually an interesting business idea. An onsite daycare company. But it would only work for certain companies. Those that have the space required and have the demand. Mostly larger companies I would imagine. By larger I mean a lot of people working in the same building. Not larger like McDonald's where it simply isn't possible.
      Sorry for the wall of text but I wanted to address as many points you made as I could.

  • April Hart
    April Hart Year ago +2

    Women shouldn't be allowed to vote, they shouldn't be allowed in the workforce alongside men.

  • Qimodis
    Qimodis Year ago

    'gender parity problem' lol
    why would you want money instead of a bond with your own child at least as an avg mother

    • umiluv
      umiluv Year ago +1

      Qimodis - because today both parents need to work because rent is too expensive. Need to save for your kid’s college education if they want to go. The banks have fucked everyone over.

  • Qimodis
    Qimodis Year ago

    'equal partners' doesn't mean doing everythjng
    soulless lib ozymandias careeeism

  • Qimodis
    Qimodis Year ago

    why is using ine word bad?
    there's 'survivor guilt'

  • Qimodis
    Qimodis Year ago

    the country isn't a victim