Why you don't get what you want; it's not what you expect | Jennice Vilhauer | TEDxPeachtree

  • Опубликовано: 16 дек 2015
  • Psychologist Dr. Jennice Vilhauer explains the psychological and clinical reasons why *we* are at the heart of *why* we're not living the life that we want in this fascinating talk and what we can do about it.
    Award-winning psychologist Dr. Jennice Vilhauer has helped thousands change the course of their lives by teaching them how to harness the mind's power of anticipation to create positive future thought and action.

    Vilhauer is director of the Outpatient Psychotherapy Program at Emory Healthcare and assistant professor at Emory University’s School of Medicine Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Science. She served as an Assistant Clinical Professor with the Department of Psychology at the University of California, Los Angeles and was the Clinical Director of the Adult Outpatient Programs and the Director of Psychology at Cedars-Sinai.

    She earned a bachelor’s degree from UCLA, a Ph.D. from Fordham University and completed postdoctoral training in clinical research at Columbia University. She is author of Think Forward to Thrive: How to Use the Mind’s Power of Anticipation to Transcend Your Past and Transform Your Life and creator of Future Directed Therapy (FDT)®.
    This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at ted.com/tedx

Комментарии • 633

  • John Roddy
    John Roddy 4 дня назад

    wise smart and Beautiful

  • jericho mindhorn
    jericho mindhorn 5 дней назад

    poor example lady winning the lottery pfffft at what cost? addiction loosing your family cost on society ??????????//// its just not that simple

  • Jonathan Strange
    Jonathan Strange 5 дней назад

    I think this talk devalues the risk taker. Expectations implies the known. No greater thrill than jumping off into the unknown. Majority of the elderly interviewed states the biggest regret was in not taking risks!

  • David Crandall
    David Crandall 6 дней назад

    You and think you can do a job all you want. But you may be wrong.

  • john miller
    john miller 11 дней назад

    I just spent all my savings on lottery tickets because I want to win. Thanks a lot.

  • edbenzino
    edbenzino 11 дней назад

    To the people that agree to these comments...your expectations is still failure and you are where you are from your limits created by your fears. She says YOUR expectations no one elses. You have failed the very first step when you tell yourself this wont work

  • e Born in Providence
    e Born in Providence 12 дней назад +1

    So systemic oppression, racism and discrimination can simply be willed away? Like if we just wriggle our noses, world peace? Neato. I’m gonna try that.

    • BlackJoe23
      BlackJoe23 7 дней назад

      its only part of the story. I reckon you are at a disadvantage but is that really something to have rule your future? I'm at an disadvantage as well as an autistic person but I don't let that rule me anymore. When my family truly recognized my problems when I didn't feel anything after finishing high school things turned around for me. You can't change circumstances beyond your control but when you mobilize the people you love you'll focus on the things you do have agency over.
      Again not dismissing your circumstances since I don't know them. Just some food for thought.

  • Len Cavallaro
    Len Cavallaro 13 дней назад

    In 1957 Earl Nightingale made a spoken work recording called "The Strangest Secret". It makes many of the same points as this TED talk, but in a much more compelling way IMHO. You can find videos of him delivering this speech on RU-clip.

  • Francois-Marie Arouet
    Francois-Marie Arouet 14 дней назад

    Rubbish self-indulgent sales talk

  • Erin Silver
    Erin Silver 15 дней назад +1

    One of the most amazing and truthful Tedx talks that I have ever seen, has given me motivation to try and solve issues with my partner in a different way

  • Major Pane
    Major Pane 16 дней назад

    What do i need to do to make what I want to happen? This has been one leading pattern of behaviour that has helped my life so far. You really can get what you want, all that matters is how you go about getting what you want.

  • Michael Asus
    Michael Asus 16 дней назад

    What if someone expects great outcomes and invested all your energy, emotion, time etc but the results are not horrible? How does one change the situation for good?

  • Mister Morteggio
    Mister Morteggio 17 дней назад

    It's a shame that in the end this does not make you win the lottery...

  • Jobibble DiBob
    Jobibble DiBob 17 дней назад

    Ohh, the poor girl in the example. "They forgot their wallets!" That's what it feels like for a man every time.

  • Ivaylo
    Ivaylo 18 дней назад

    what if want I truly want lies in the past and I can't get it anymore?

  • Chips O'Toole
    Chips O'Toole Месяц назад

    Fantastic talk. I need to change some habits starting this moment.

  • Eva dos Reis
    Eva dos Reis Месяц назад

    Thank you, Jennice! This talk helped me ellucidate a lot, it was one of the biggest AHA moments ever! Clear, simple, to the point. Can´t wait to put it in practice!!! Very grateful for this, thanks again.

  • Bilal Ahmad
    Bilal Ahmad Месяц назад


  • Jake Hartup
    Jake Hartup Месяц назад +1

    A big problem in this video is that it does not mention the emotional impulses that consume us. In order to think these tactics in the video, we have to have a certain level of focus. There are human beings out there with mental disorders such as ADHD, ADD, Autism, etc that have a hard time focusing and have huge emotional impulses which prevents them from focusing on changing our expectations consistently

  • Francine Brevetti
    Francine Brevetti Месяц назад

    I found her snug and lacking in compassion especially in her attitude toward Amy

  • Jaumet jaumet
    Jaumet jaumet 3 месяца назад +1

    Doing the effort is the point. Many years ago, I was having a bad time at high school. I was unhappy with my girlfriend, but afraid of leaving her. I had let myself go and put on some weight, and I flunked most of the time. Until one day I felt that I had to do something before it became worse.
    So I left her, started running and scheduled more studying time.
    Running was horrible at the beginning, and I felt strange being on my own without a girl. I persevered on small goals, like being able to run a few minutes more every day or week, trying to run up the long stairs that were next to the park, failing but persevering, also persevering with my studying...
    In a few months my weight went down, my qualifications went up, and I began to feel really good. At the end of that year, I was an incredible runner, was perfectly fit, my qualifications were the best, and I felt incredibly happy and sure of myself, and felt really glad of having get rid of her. I shined so much that I became the alpha from my group of friends, always successful picking up the hottest girls, many times it was them who came up to pick me, because when I went clubbing I wasn't focused on picking a girl, bun on having a good time with my friends, not caring if I met someone or not. Many times girls were making the move towards me and not the other way around. Even most of my female friends became so incensed after my transformation that began to hit on me. Friendzone? Ha, that's code for I don't like you.
    And it all begun when I made THE decision to do something.

  • something eight
    something eight 3 месяца назад

    *They say expectations always leads to disappointments*

  • Emily L
    Emily L 3 месяца назад

    Thank you

  • 22zson
    22zson 4 месяца назад +1

    Some days it feels so easy and others so impossible. There are moments of greatness and others of tragedy. It's all too much. You just want to stop feeling because the negative always seems to outweigh the positive. It seems impossible just hoping you will find some hope like that in this video. I'll favorite this and hope it can be a tool for me, that I gravitate towards it during those moments of isolation, insecurity and low self-esteem.

  • Aijaz wani
    Aijaz wani 4 месяца назад

    Amazing. Thanks

  • Mo Ana
    Mo Ana 4 месяца назад

    If I am Gods Queen .... then I already have it all ... then don’t I ...!!!! U all want more more more ... that’s fine ... but when is it ok to just be where your at .,!

  • Zelarom Moralez
    Zelarom Moralez 4 месяца назад

    Hearing the sound of a cat and your nervous system reacting to that sound is a completely different process than planning for an expectation.

  • Emma Louise
    Emma Louise 4 месяца назад


  • Mubashir Ali
    Mubashir Ali 4 месяца назад

    what a great video thank you Jennice .

  • lozeldamaster
    lozeldamaster 4 месяца назад

    How can you choose to take action to achieve what you want when oftentimes you can't control the outcome because someone else is the decision maker/gate-keeper?

  • Kris Shackelford
    Kris Shackelford 4 месяца назад


  • Mal Ak
    Mal Ak 4 месяца назад

    تفائلوا بالخير تجدوه

  • ZO A
    ZO A 5 месяцев назад

    Great point most times we know what we should be doing but waste more time by procrastinating a never ending circle hoping to end soon take some action and get the desired results. I expect to win in life I now need to follow up with massive action towards things I want

  • Zeek M
    Zeek M 5 месяцев назад

    The formula is ( Actions + Beliefs = Circumstances )
    It's not 100% true.
    After years of experience I can tell she's a huge narcissist.

  • Vkr Reddy
    Vkr Reddy 5 месяцев назад

    act on what u want ,simple super

  • Briana Kelley
    Briana Kelley 5 месяцев назад

    It could all be so simple...

  • Ivan Jankovic
    Ivan Jankovic 5 месяцев назад

    Hmm, hmm

  • Das mom ok vortex
    Das mom ok vortex 5 месяцев назад

    Very simple yet efficient way to take control of your life. But the odds are many and even more distractions I guess.

  • Shrestha Ghosh
    Shrestha Ghosh 5 месяцев назад

    Simply brilliant motivational speech! Excellent examples cited! Very vivid!

  • NightHawk
    NightHawk 5 месяцев назад

    This is a very good TED talk

  • Meh emojie
    Meh emojie 5 месяцев назад

    You just described me.

  • Nervous Energy
    Nervous Energy 6 месяцев назад

    Seems so easy.

  • Rex Kapfhamer
    Rex Kapfhamer 6 месяцев назад

    Huge ah ha for me. Can’t believe I never seen this. Need to work against my grain to expect little or nothing.

  • Havaseet2
    Havaseet2 6 месяцев назад

    I found it hard to get past this woman's smug self self satisfaction.

  • Namit Prasad
    Namit Prasad 6 месяцев назад

    Amy got the perfect man based on his looks! that's really great.

  • Simon Therrien
    Simon Therrien 6 месяцев назад

    I saw this video in the past and it didn't make a huge impact on me but TODAY, I don't know why but it just did. Great talk Dr. Vilhauer. Thanks

  • Fukurokuju
    Fukurokuju 6 месяцев назад

    Maybe AMY'S PROBLEM was that it's 2018!!!
    Judging a man by his looks and money is right there the problem!!!!
    Low quality D.N.B.!!!

  • mohamed niyaz
    mohamed niyaz 6 месяцев назад

    Awesome talk. Thanks Jennice

  • nivedita
    nivedita 6 месяцев назад +1

    very nice

  • wim lammens
    wim lammens 6 месяцев назад

    amy's life must have been pretty good (the worst day of her life meeting an attractive guy without wearing make up and being sweaty and ...) If people are feeling miserable over this I hope she doesn't age, get sick or loose mportant family members

  • zylascope
    zylascope 6 месяцев назад

    Thank you Jennice :)

  • quartytypo
    quartytypo 6 месяцев назад

    Want nothing and that's what you end up with

  • LightOwl
    LightOwl 6 месяцев назад

    Common sense. You dont expect something so you dont make the effort. This also describes learned helplessness.
    This woman was surprised that depressed people didnt expect anything good? Really, how clueless can a psychologist get?.

  • Walter Eaton
    Walter Eaton 7 месяцев назад

    Great talk! I would have liked a little more comment on "unrealistic expectations" and "reality checking". In my experience, people are often disappointed by their lives because they have fantasy expectations. They expect results without effort, for instance. This leads to constant frustration, anger and depression.

  • Dilip Dilip
    Dilip Dilip 7 месяцев назад

    Did Amy get a boyfriend???

  • armadilly
    armadilly 7 месяцев назад

    I don't buy lottery tickets bc if the odds were on the buyer's side they wouldn't create a lottery.

  • Ann Fitzgerald
    Ann Fitzgerald 7 месяцев назад

    they're ALL talking in horrible VOCAL FRY...horrible, moronic...can't listen

  • Shohei Sasakura
    Shohei Sasakura 7 месяцев назад

    Good or bad I thought this talk was ruined by her occasional ‘mhuhu...mhuhu...’ a bunch. It was kinda creepy.

  • Joe Smith
    Joe Smith 7 месяцев назад

    I make $2 every time I don't buy a lottery ticket through cost avoidance...

  • Brittany McNair
    Brittany McNair 8 месяцев назад

    She must work for Disney Channel with this childish way of thinking. If it were that easy, we'd all do it. Duh.

  • Crewel Perle
    Crewel Perle 8 месяцев назад

    Expectation = Belief. The law of attraction and action.

  • Amelia Wojnicz
    Amelia Wojnicz 8 месяцев назад

    always easier said than done. It's when you become stronger that you can work on making these decisions. In a moment of weakness, you cannot make the right choices. Your brain and heart take over, and control it all. Working on getting stronger is key...

  • Nihilist
    Nihilist 8 месяцев назад

    I buy lotto tickets and have false hope but still lose thanks god.

  • Herbert West
    Herbert West 8 месяцев назад

    Tall and handsome? Maybe she wasn't thin and big boobed enough.

  • Kiseo Chan
    Kiseo Chan 8 месяцев назад +1

    To me this video seems very helpful in combatting the negative thoughts that prevent someone from REALLY trying, making plans (and revising that plan and trying something different if need be.) "what can I do to make this happen" Vs "I can't make this happen"
    I didn't get the impression that this strategy was meant to "work like magic"
    I understood it as having positive expectations (as a strategy to help you take more action) without being attached to the outcome. If you take actions toward (an expectation of) succeeding you're more likely to succeed than taking actions toward (an expectation of) failing.
    Take passing a difficult class for example. If you ACT on an expectation of succeeding (Study hard, put effort into assignments.)
    You will do better than if you ACT on an expectation of failing (procrastinate, give up, turn in substandard work.)

  • Arthur Jackson
    Arthur Jackson 8 месяцев назад

    I think the real question is, "How are we to be happy without expecting anything?"

  • 인플루언서 Influencer
    인플루언서 Influencer 8 месяцев назад

    The greatest lecture on ted i’ve ever heard. It inspired me most

  • John Doe 878393719
    John Doe 878393719 8 месяцев назад

    One cannot simply choose the circumstances that often dictate what is and isn't possible.
    Positive thinking is great, and as a matter of fact inspirational motivation that preaches totally-fallacious doctrine can improve one's experience through merely changing attitude and perspective and improving morale, but this lady is setting up some persons to delude themselves that they are fully capable of actualizing what they want by choosing it without regard to the material circumstances. This sets up two tragedies: when they fail, they will fall much harder than if they had been realistic about probabilities, and moreover they will logically blame themselves, not materially-insurmountable circumstances had they been realistic about forces other than their self impeding their success. This lady is preaching a crudely-defined recipe for disaster.

  • IThinkWithMy Dick
    IThinkWithMy Dick 8 месяцев назад

    More TURDx talks.

  • John Roddy
    John Roddy 8 месяцев назад

    Loved the talk Thanks great Teacher.

  • Ja Ich
    Ja Ich 8 месяцев назад

    So boring.

  • Michael Humphreys
    Michael Humphreys 9 месяцев назад

    So motivating! THANKYOU!

  • Obie DaGod
    Obie DaGod 9 месяцев назад

    This whole talk is based on will power which is bound to deflate after continuous use when all your actions result in disappointments....

  • R. Brooks
    R. Brooks 9 месяцев назад

    J R R Tolkien.

    • Naughton Media
      Naughton Media 9 месяцев назад +1

      R. Brooks And it was Nathaniel Hawthorne who actually said it.

  • Rose Heather
    Rose Heather 9 месяцев назад

    ty jennice

  • Flower Flower
    Flower Flower 9 месяцев назад

    Being white also helps a lot lol.

  • Hà Nguyễn
    Hà Nguyễn 9 месяцев назад

    Awesome, just so awesome. Thanks, Jennice.

  • Delilah Rose
    Delilah Rose 9 месяцев назад

    Ohhhh my Gosh. This changes everything....thank you.

  • Виктория Самусь
    Виктория Самусь 9 месяцев назад

    absolutely useless

  • Brett Vogel
    Brett Vogel 9 месяцев назад

    Wow, what a useless presentation. Anyone can tell you that whatever you focus your attention on is what you are likely to get. Can’t believe this was a Ted Talk.

  • Shamir George
    Shamir George 9 месяцев назад +1

    The title says it all. You don't get what you want because you don't expect to get it. I'm so smart. Now let me watch the talk to see if I'm right... Yup, I'm a total genius.

  • Anto Anto
    Anto Anto 9 месяцев назад

    You can choose, not always. Your environment is key.

  • Chris Etheridge
    Chris Etheridge 9 месяцев назад

    I'm sure that Dr. Vilhauer knows this, but her time is limited in these things. Often times, the reason we set our expectations lower is because we actually sabotage our own efforts. In a nutshell, we are more 'rewarded' by remaining in our secure yet unhappy frame of reference (expectation). To push beyond that would mean to go to a place we have not been before. The unknown, even though it might lead to happiness, causes much anxiety. Our reward is that we are familiar with the level of failure we expect. It causes frustration, but we've been there before. It allows us to console ourselves in some usual way (another reward).
    It sounds paradoxical, but as Robert Firestone would say, the individual must "tolerate gratification." In other words, the individual must endure the anxiety of going beyond their behavioral security, to the wide open world of possible happiness.

  • Fontana Nevado
    Fontana Nevado 9 месяцев назад

    Best ted talk ever. Thank you!

  • Ana la Chanteuse
    Ana la Chanteuse 9 месяцев назад

    This is genius!

  • MegF
    MegF 9 месяцев назад

    Amy avoided dating Ted Bundy (look him up), so maybe she was lucky and didn't know it. "Many of Bundy's young female victims regarded him as handsome and charismatic, which were traits that he exploited to win their trust." Judging a man by his outer appearance is a whole other Ted Talk.

  • Shubham Pahurkar
    Shubham Pahurkar 9 месяцев назад

    You dont get what you want, you get what you desire

  • tvdavis
    tvdavis 9 месяцев назад

    Loved the talk, hated the mouth noises. They really need to get better mics for these presentations.

  • Ewan Rollo
    Ewan Rollo 10 месяцев назад

    Great video exactly what I needed. Thank you

  • Über Babe
    Über Babe 10 месяцев назад

    Meh... baloney.

  • Philipp Berry
    Philipp Berry 10 месяцев назад

    I need to watch this every day.

  • MrPiperian
    MrPiperian 10 месяцев назад


  • Sonia S
    Sonia S 10 месяцев назад

    It was exactly what I was expecting

  • Charlie5thumbs
    Charlie5thumbs 10 месяцев назад

    Hmm...I don't know man. Last month I totally expected to get that dream job I interviewed for. Didn't happen.

  • Pulling the Strings
    Pulling the Strings 10 месяцев назад

    Now why do I keep placing wagers in Las Vegas, yet I can win even if I try so bad, I expect to win, but leave broker than Al Bundy.

  • David Coomber
    David Coomber 10 месяцев назад

    We live in the world of over think and the idea we are some how broken because our own self image is less the perfect, we earn less then we think we should or don't live in a place that feel we should. We pay people to tell us how to be us, it would be funny if it was not so sad.

  • Dame Pasty
    Dame Pasty 10 месяцев назад

    This is FAR too simplistic. Take someone dealing with addiction, for instance. The most successful program out there is AA and they teach that lowering ones expectations is the key. One can hope and plan for the positive outcome but to expect it, is to court disaster and relapse. So hoping for positive outcomes and not expecting positive outcomes is the real key. And that requires putting aside one's fear of failure and fear of the negative emotions that come with failure. That's what really needs to be addressed--coping mechanisms to deal with failure and negative emotions. That in turn regenerates hope. Hope that they can deal with anything that comes along without getting too depressed or relapsing or whatever. But it's a long road. She probably is successful with her patients but I guarantee you that there is a lot more involved in the process than these three simple steps. So if you're an otherwise mentally healthy person, these three steps are great advice. If you're not, you know darn well it isn't that simple and the key is learning coping skills, which in turn makes you more courageous and willing to hope for better.

  • I Don.t
    I Don.t 10 месяцев назад

    Questions? No questions.

    Paul ANTONESCU 10 месяцев назад

    Mrs. Vilhauer, I seldom heard alife changing idea so coherently exposed. I'm so gonna watch this till my braing accepts it. Thanks

  • Mark Rcca
    Mark Rcca 10 месяцев назад +1

    There are 2 reasons why a person fails: 1) bad luck ; 2) some significant mistakes they've made while trying to reach their goal. In case of the 1st scenario, the video gives great advice - roll the dice again, don't jinx yourself with negative thoughts, and eventually you'll get your lucky break; give up on the game, and you're guaranteed you won't. But this speech does not address scenario #2 - if you don't carefully examine if you had made significant mistakes, you'll just repeat them again, and no matter how many times you try, if you approach it mindlessly, even with the best positive thoughts and expectations, you'll fail over and over. I've met people like this. You need positive expectations AND strategic analysis.
    Often, the mistake simply is, trying to achieve too many goals all at once, thus reducing your chance to achieve each particular one - that is my personal problem; prioritizing!

    • Mark Rcca
      Mark Rcca 10 месяцев назад

      Additionally, there is always a question, what kind of risks are reasonable to take, for example financial risks? For a young person, no spouse, no kids - any risk is pretty much acceptable, they can always start over. But what about a husband with a wife and children to support? If he loses too much of the family capital, everyone will be adversely affected, not just his own personal life.