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Healthy Way to Start A Boundary - The Stuff We Are Not Taught!

  • Published on Nov 28, 2022

Comments • 1 033

  • Elvie Zamora
    Elvie Zamora 3 years ago +145

    Your words brought me to tears. I'm 40yrs old and lots of my family blamed me for tearing the family apart for speaking out on an uncle molesting me. And just now I know that I should of had boundaries

    • Theresa Doll
      Theresa Doll 2 months ago

      You should have also kicked him in the balls. Might not be too late ...

    • Not-even -German
      Not-even -German 3 months ago

      That's your right. Do not hesitate to cut judgmental family members

    • AS
      AS 5 months ago +1

      They are not your family any more. A real family will protect you and care about you, not attack you. They are not acting in your best interests, they are deflecting their blame. They are toxic. Keep as far away from them as you can, protect yourself from any further emotional or psychological harm they might inflict on you. You deserve support and care, I know you will find it. God bless and protect you 🙏

    • Tia Turnbull Champions Coaching Turnbull
      Tia Turnbull Champions Coaching Turnbull 5 months ago

      Don't "should" on yourself. You were a victim who was trained by the environment to be abused and not stand up for yourself.
      Watch "Leah Remini, Scientology the aftermath." You will see so manyvpeople blaming themselves because they were trained to blame themself when someone else used and abused them. You were never the problem, don't blame yourself for someone else's actions against you just because they conned you into believing that you did anything to create what they did to you. You were the victim and now that you see that, you get to choose to get away from people like that. ❤

    • Nine Angels
      Nine Angels 9 months ago

      @Malibu Dolphin agree 100%

  • P. Moore Wilson
    P. Moore Wilson 2 years ago +59

    I am 58 years old and I feel like a child in Kindergarten, ‘getting’ this for the very first time. You make it sound so easy... And how I appreciate the anecdotes, the specific examples and the step-by-step ‘how to’ tips. I feel like weeping. For the first time in my life, I know what my biggest issue is (setting boundaries) and I have a clear plan for getting healthy. It’s going to take me some time to even figure out what my boundaries ARE but I am ready to love myself enough to put in the work to get healthy. God bless you for sharing this. It almost feels like you are right here in my living room...🙏💕

  • Michele J
    Michele J 4 years ago +152

    When I started enforcing my boundaries, usually people become extremely vindictive. Another great video, you are on point! Thanks.

    • DelasVC
      DelasVC Year ago +6

      That is maybe because they're not used to it. However, there is a *very* important point missing in this video and that is: you need to set boundaries that respect yourself but *also* respect the boundaries of others! This is a given because otherwise you're just a selfish d***head... The people who are still vindictive then are to be dismissed imediately. But most people will actually respect it back.

    • Casper Insight
      Casper Insight 2 years ago +12

      Prepare for people not wanting you to change for the better. They don't want you getting stronger and happier. They show their true colors and it makes it easier to stand firm for ourselves 👍

    • Vesna Djordjevic
      Vesna Djordjevic 3 years ago +5

      Constantly breaking anyones boundaries also cause anger ,sadness as SL described.. so works both way..that's why I'm always respecting another person boundary as well as I expect for mine to be..and vindictive behavior can be caused from many reasons, injustice or simple jealousy ,that works both way too...relationships are both way street I hear this a lot..so life is also.

    • Stephanie Lyn Coaching
      Stephanie Lyn Coaching  4 years ago +24

      Michele J The abusive unhealthy people are usually very angry and start setting boundaries… Anyone that’s healthy will respect them.

  • angh642
    angh642 4 years ago +371

    I started cleaning house after divorcing a narc husband. My self confidence soared after that and I ceased contact with 'friends' who I realised were just the same, who would use me and then ignore me. The same with family. It's been a four year journey, but I am now at peace and do not allow people like that into my life any longer. I felt very guilty at first, but now I know that my actions were right.

    • planetvict0ria
      planetvict0ria 5 months ago

      I don't know who you are but I'm so proud of you and I'm so happy for you. ♥️

    • Jessie Romero
      Jessie Romero 5 months ago

      Congratulations 🎉 I left the Narcissist Husband EX last year in Aug, BLOCKED him, everyone associated with him, including our Son. Unfortunately, I had to remove my Son for a little while after I left his Dad because of the toxicity. They're always together ,.smoking n drinking 🥺 so it was necessary. Now my Son and I are talking again but there's strict boundaries.

    • James Brother
      James Brother 5 months ago +1

      @Jacob Roe dude. I hear that. Dropping the mike from here on out.

    • Tamara Fortner
      Tamara Fortner 7 months ago

      I’m right there with you!

    • Lynne Hood
      Lynne Hood 11 months ago

      Me too...I am 7 years into the journey. It is really interesting how some people don't get it. They want to keep trying to restart the same old patterns because they are so broken.

  • Courtney Chaal
    Courtney Chaal 4 years ago +693

    Setting boundaries might be the most foundational act of self-love there is. And I concur that this should be taught in schools, too!

    • Butterfly Georgiou
      Butterfly Georgiou 7 months ago

      Oh yes. Taught in school would have made amazing changes in my life. (In hindsight)

    • Roberto Biagio Randazzo
      Roberto Biagio Randazzo 8 months ago

      That's true, still, it took years of being subjected to abuses for me in order to understand it.

    • Carla Mitchell
      Carla Mitchell Year ago

      Yes it should

    • Jeanie Shining Leaf
      Jeanie Shining Leaf Year ago +1

      It's up to us forward thinking women to reform school policies. School system is incredibly archaic. New studies show that it is impossible to learn and retain knowledge when under stress and school is a very stressful place. Learning occurs through play, even for adults.

    • Jennifer Pasten
      Jennifer Pasten Year ago

      Is there a class I can attend over zoom to help practice learning boundaries? I would love to join if there is or if anyone knows of any. TY for this video!

  • Kim Kalar
    Kim Kalar 3 years ago +65

    Setting boundaries (and enforcing them!) is something that for me, a 66 year-old man who has gone this far in his life as a people-pleasing co-dependent, is new and Needed. What you said about the individual and people in his or her life described me. This will be a gradual but steady process on my part. What's done is past and done, but I have ghe rest of my life to look forward to. Thank you for your advice.
    Kim Kalar

    • JuanPabloDj88
      JuanPabloDj88 6 months ago

      Love to see someone your age learning and improving yourself. Im 27 male but i feel trapped in my own mind because im a people pleaser and everyone keeps taking advantage of me

  • illudin eye
    illudin eye 4 years ago +469

    Your video should be featured in high schools across the globe. Can you imagine the *positive impact* and life changing awareness students will have once they begin to value themselves without social pressures? If I were you I would petition this video to be featured in schools with the school board of Education. Yoir work deserves an A+ *PEACE* David

    • Lisa Fleming
      Lisa Fleming 5 months ago

      @Stephanie Lyn Coaching Yaaay!

    • Karen Marshall
      Karen Marshall 8 months ago +1

      @illudin eye

    • j brown
      j brown Year ago

      I agree but instead they would rather teach students about hard core sex ect. It's unfortunate but true. I really hope the world do better 🙏

    • Justathought
      Justathought Year ago +1

      ❤️ this

    • xxx typhon
      xxx typhon Year ago +1

      I agree with you❤

  • Christine C
    Christine C 4 years ago +199

    When i was setting boundaries with my ex husband he said, "your being all about you you you. Why does every single thing have to go your way?" I replied, "if you want to communicate with me, there is behavior i will accept and behavior i won't tolerate. If you cant meet my standards then you cant communicate with me period. I have healthy boundaries." He interrupts and yells "what about MY boundaries."
    I responded so effortlessly that it boosted my self confidence. I said, "i called you to talk. So you are gonna need to listen or i am gonna just hang up. I refuse to argue. And after im done telling you my boundaries, you can tell me yours." Needless to say...he forgot to tell me about his "healthy boundaries" because it was only him trying to manipulate me in the first place. Lol!!!

    • Pearce Datri
      Pearce Datri Year ago +2

      Your ex husband was and is a loser - much respect to you, Christine!

    • warmcozy
      warmcozy 2 years ago +3

      Thank you for posting this.

    • Casper Insight
      Casper Insight 2 years ago +4

      It feels sooo good to take your power back 💗
      Cheers 👍

      DARTH MAUL 2 years ago +5

      i wish to one day have your strength peace and power to you soul sister!

  • Redroses
    Redroses 4 years ago +138

    When i forced a boundarie , i had a backlash,and she is not a part of my life anymore.
    I stood my ground big time. And it was through messenger. It went very well.
    It all started with i came to understand i had to improve my selfworth and love. Then the bounderies came naturally.

    • Hair by Nardia
      Hair by Nardia 4 years ago +8

      Athena K. When you tell it like it is backlash is a part of it for sure.

  • hope46sf
    hope46sf 5 years ago +94

    Had to let my sister go. Long story as to why. What is helpful is that I began thinking of many interactions we had had before, that I let pass. Things finally came to such a head that I had to let her know that her treatment of me was unacceptable. I have felt much calmer and freer. I realize now, that she thrives on drama. I don't anymore. But it is a process.

    • Cindy Gardner
      Cindy Gardner Month ago

      Me too. I've had enough from my sister.

    • Peggy Delozier
      Peggy Delozier 6 months ago

      Same! My sister must be your sister 😂

    • SunnyG
      SunnyG 10 months ago

      We have the same story. I had to let my sister go also, after years of walking on eggshells to please her while she said and did anything to me without remorse, I finally stood up for myself and defended Me! Oh she didn't like that, how dare I set a boundary! I was called every name other than my given name. Then she wanted to change the narrative to make think I was the problem. I still say bye bye. Haven't talked to her since before Xmas and I don't miss her at all. I hate drama! Life is so much better

    • Pragya
      Pragya Year ago

      Exactly it’s the same for me I’ve always been there for her but she’s so abusive too me and doesn’t respects my boundaries at alll . I’m letting her go.

    • He is mine and I am His
      He is mine and I am His 4 years ago

      What kind of relationship do you have now?

  • Linda Sicard
    Linda Sicard 3 years ago +19

    Thank you! I just set a boundary up for myself w/my sister for the first time! Like you said it felt amazing!! She is a name caller & "put you down" kinda person & I told her I will not tolerate that anymore! You are helping me so much!!

  • Ashley Cnossen
    Ashley Cnossen 3 years ago +19

    Oh my, yes to the backlash and people dropping. But it's amazing how when you start to love yourself your life starts to fill up with people who love you too - and also how much better you can love them back!

  • Dayonda Stribling
    Dayonda Stribling 3 years ago +32

    Age 69, and I learned about boundaries; how vital they are and how good they feel, and how they make life worthwhile FINALLY after all this time!
    Choosing, setting, and maintaining/enforcing BOUNDARIES finally let me live an effective and enjoyable life! I'm grateful that I decided to give it a shot: Life's really great lived this way!

  • elsa Grace
    elsa Grace 4 years ago +62

    Boundaries materialize out of feelings. Thoughts cause feelings. Fix your thoughts and you will have better boundaries.

  • Carol Vevle
    Carol Vevle 4 years ago +45

    Oh, sheesh, you are 10 times better than a therapist. Without even asking the question, you amazingly just answered the question I had in my mind, Thank you, for that. I like to be nice to people, but I have boundaries & do enforce them. So many people refuse to respect my boundaries & are quite nasty about it & name call. I didn't know how to handle it, but now I do!! THANK YOU, beautiful lady!!

    • Stan Lee D. Harold
      Stan Lee D. Harold Year ago

      I agree

    • Casper Insight
      Casper Insight 2 years ago +3

      Yes, narcissistic awareness is very needed in society, especially in the school system and abuse councillors in general.

    • Michael
      Michael 3 years ago +3

      Carol Vevle I agree, I have been to therapy and I have kind of learned that unless you have been with a narc you really don’t know

  • 19cupsofjava
    19cupsofjava 3 years ago +16

    I definetly needed this video. I'm a people pleaser and I need some boundaries. Thank you for the video.

  • Mary Wylde
    Mary Wylde 4 years ago +100

    I am down to 2 close people in my life. And a few left in other states on the phone or online. I was able to let go on my own before finding your video . I was going through a horrible time and found out who my friends were and who in my "family" actually cared. So I ditched approximately 15 people. I realized that I may wind up alone but I would not be mistreated or used or lied to or deal with games anymore. I still have one who kinda messes with me but I'm working on that. I realized I have no need to allow abuse and disrespect just to have a fake friend. I'm starting to care more about myself and my life. I have Christ and some people and pets and though I am often lonely , it's getting better. I had boundaries as a teen. But then had a big trauma and lost them . But I'm getting better! Thank you for your videos that I just found tonight.

    • A
      A 2 years ago +2

      I also have 2 close people in my life, altho we all lack boundaries..... So that's definitely a major issue we have to work on ourselves Dx
      And yeah, I've discovered my "family" are just relatives, I'm not close with any of them and they don't care to talk or get to know me really so 🤷🏼‍♂️
      Rn I just consider my mom and two friends as family. But I have no healthy relationships with anyone....
      The loneliness is a major killer, but I'm glad you're doing better! That's cool you're focusing on yourself and respecting your own boundaries that you won't let anyone disrespect or violate them. I'm currently struggling on that path rn on figuring out boundaries and establishing them, but at least the journey is getting started.
      Your comment brings hope to ppl, thank you for sharing. ❤️

    • madeline bigio
      madeline bigio 3 years ago +3

      Wow this sounds like my life

    • Betty Boos' Sister
      Betty Boos' Sister 3 years ago +4

      Look up Melanie Evans she is amazing...and keep reading your Bible...you will never feel alone when you have Christ

    • Johnna Williams
      Johnna Williams 3 years ago +8

      You are smart, brave and strong!!! Stay on the healthy path you are on now and your future is very bright friend🌼Invite only those people to your party who want to celebrate the best you!! We do not need anyone in our lives to cause us any drama, chaos or abuse!! Study, learn, love yourself and you will find true happiness and peace🌸All of the best of everything I hope for you🙏Take good care friend🌈

  • TJ J
    TJ J 3 years ago +62

    I really really could of used this advice in high school and all through my 20's. It's too bad they didn't have RU-clip then or internet. But then again we didn't have the texting problems either.

    • Twitchy Lake
      Twitchy Lake Year ago

      How old are you? I have to ask, you might be around my time period x

    • Casper Insight
      Casper Insight 2 years ago

      I appreciate learning this now 🙏We have the rest of our days to honour ourselves 💗

  • Faye X
    Faye X 4 years ago +53

    Can you please make a video about when you've allowed boundaries to be broken in a relationship but want to start enforcing them after years? X

    • Ricardo Lopez
      Ricardo Lopez 4 months ago

      I've tried to enforce broken boundaries after years I get the silent treatment no sex. But I have to follow rules and if do the same I'm doing wrong and I say well what about this and that time and I get mine was difrent no it's the same so why are you getting upset I never said anything to you till years later cause I have had enough and seeing you aren't changing why should yo get upset when I don't. Seeing it was never changing I broke it off 2 days ago.

    • Madam Butterfly
      Madam Butterfly Year ago

      @Ameena Ola depends what it is. If child answers back or hit u , u would do different practise than if it was your partner. U have to decide what I want and tell them. If they keep ignoring it than u adjust your behaviour or remove yourself from their life

    • Faye X
      Faye X 2 years ago +8

      Hey 👋 firstly thank you to everyone who replied and sorry to Stephanie for not responding. If anyone is still struggling or curious about my situation here's the update; I left. It was the most difficult obvious decision I have ever made. I'm sure most of you here can relate, first i tried everything to be loved and accepted, i stopped socialising, cut ties with male friends, dressed differently, cooked, cleaned, payed his way,move countries for him (which I also paid for and spent all my savings on) you name it, I did it! The more i gave the worse it got and the more inadequate I felt because even my very best efforts weren't enough to be treated with basic kindness and respect, and i really mean BASIC kindness. Once he became physically violent towards our pet in a fit of rage aimed at me I knew deep down I had to leave.. I saved all the money I could while still supporting us both (on a much smaller salary) until I had enough to do so, I then used that money to move us back home (his idea again) and it still took me 4 months to leave. Luckily I have a best Friend who cut the cord for me, i just couldn't do it without the push and I wouldn't listen to my family, it seems crazy but if you've been there you understand. Anyway, 3.5 years, at least 15k and 2 country moves later i did it. Its been a year and a half now and I still struggle sometimes with decision making, my sense of self, self consciousness and trust (in men), but its INFINITELY better than being torn down day after day... I know this was long but if anyone reading this is being abused, no matter how hard it may be, or how complicated the circumstances, you have to leave, it won't get better. I wish i could have acknowledged it sooner and saved myself the pain and wasted years. If you need to talk DM me on IG @fayelouisey and I'll be there. I hope my story helps in some way and I hope you find the safety you deserve 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

    • A
      A 2 years ago +1

      I believe the saying is "21 days starts a habit, 90 days becomes a lifestyle."

    • Casper Insight
      Casper Insight 2 years ago +4

      Great follow up comment from the presenter 👍
      Setting boundaries for ourselves is very much like raising a child. Parents have to be disciplined and accountable to stay consistent with keeping their childrens boundaries enforced as well as choose appropriate consequences when violated. We must apply these same parenting skills to ourselves 💗

  • Joy Morris
    Joy Morris 4 years ago +39

    This video was so inspiring for me. In the past I was definitely a people pleaser and the older I’ve gotten the more I’ve realized that I need to make myself happy and not worry so much about other people’s feelings.

  • D.D. B.
    D.D. B. 4 years ago +41

    People that are insecure will take your achievements and make you feel youve done wrong . They dont have the power of the will you have.

  • Diane Lewis
    Diane Lewis 4 years ago +18

    Excellent video. Love the way you teach people exactly how to implement the suggestions you make.

    • Casper Insight
      Casper Insight 2 years ago

      I love her practical action steps, they really work 👍
      She tells it like it is

  • Xiaofeixiong Wuling
    Xiaofeixiong Wuling 4 years ago +11

    Thank you! Now I know what they were trying to do, before I was just half aware of their schemes, and I was almost lost and depressed. You saved my life.

  • Michelle Visage OnlyFans
    Michelle Visage OnlyFans 4 years ago +200

    Beautiful video. A brief summary:
    1. Name (define, write down,...) your own boundaries that come out of unconditional self-love. Never back down from them for anybody!
    2. Cut people out of your life completely who had violated or are repeatedly violating those boundaries. No compromises.
    3. Keep and surround yourself with decent, self-loving people who had never violated any of your boundaries to begin with and don't ever feel the need to.
    4. Experience pure bliss of a happy life without miserable, evil, selfish, mean, energy- & joy-sucking, sad, unhappy psychos and narcissists!

    • Yulia's Yoga
      Yulia's Yoga Year ago +1

      How do you cut your old narc mother who dedicated her life to establishing her angelic public image? People and family including my daughters and grand children would not understand it..

    • Mark Evans
      Mark Evans 2 years ago +3

      oh my never thought about it like this, but should have years ago , thanks

    • Lena Mahayni
      Lena Mahayni 2 years ago +3

      Excellent summary
      Thks a lot

    • Catherine Praus
      Catherine Praus 2 years ago +2

      Couldn't have said it better 😣🤔

  • z g
    z g Year ago +6

    I think there is a strong correlation between your ability of setting boundaries and your own feeling of self-worthiness. It's a highly underrated skill.

  • RAZOR Rob Marcelletti
    RAZOR Rob Marcelletti 4 years ago +4

    I’m going to actually make a list of my boundaries for friendship and standards in a relationship now thank you Stephanie for an excellent video 👍🏻

  • Razor531
    Razor531 3 years ago +5

    Hey there Stephanie Lyn, I wanted to take the time to say thank you for making such a wonderful video, it taught me a lot. You helped me realized when a boundary is being crossed. I was able to set boundaries with my mom and I stood up for myself even though I felt sad afterwards. I really appreciate you and this video.

  • Jenn B
    Jenn B 2 years ago +5

    It’s just so hard when those people who drop (I had to drop) were all immediate family. It’s basically been like deaths in my life. But I’ve overcome so much and as time has gone by I’ve become much stronger. I can’t thank you enough Stephanie for all of your videos, they are helping me so much.

    • Peggy Delozier
      Peggy Delozier 6 months ago

      I read a saying somewhere I remember what it said something like when you set boundaries with people and they respect it those are your people and those who do not respect your boundaries after you set them those are not your people. So after setting boundaries with certain people and they were not willing to respect them I either ended the relationship or I distance myself from the relationship. We all deserve to have healthy loving relationships not unhealthy + - toxic relationships

  • Brad Croy
    Brad Croy 5 years ago +24

    Point by point I connected with what you are saying. I am learning that setting boundaries builds self worth & self esteem, feels great. Not sometimes easy but well worth it. I can see where in dating these things are very important. Thank you Stephanie

    • Stephanie Lyn Coaching
      Stephanie Lyn Coaching  5 years ago +6

      Capricorn Man Setting boundaries and being able to enforce them is very self empowering and it is showing your SELF that you come first. That you can take care of yourself and stand up for yourself. All very good things to increase your self-worth and self-esteem.

  • iluvfigs47
    iluvfigs47 4 years ago +8

    Awesome dating story about your friend! I really like it. It's something I've never really heard before. In all my research into Narcissism, and getting healthy, and dating advice. This really spoke to me, after years of research. Thank You!!!

  • Tika X
    Tika X Year ago +3

    I always watch this when I have to remind myself of how to set boundaries. Love your content. It’s so helpful

  • Jennifer Boyce
    Jennifer Boyce 3 years ago +4

    This is exactly where I am w/ my mom, right now. As always, your words of wisdom are sooo encouraging & empowering. THANK YOU, sweet girl!!!

  • Casper Insight
    Casper Insight 2 years ago +5

    Sticking to your Boundaries is Self Care with Honours
    It's a smart Investment that gives the best returns
    Self Management is Priceless 💗

  • Kristin Dominguez
    Kristin Dominguez 2 years ago +8

    All my pre/adolescent years can be summed up as a shy person who didn’t know boundaries and has become livid with each betrayal to myself. I am now basically a zero tolerance of disrespect person and someone who values someone putting in the same amount of effort in a relationship of any kind.
    I would get called harsh and petty for blocking people back then, but I’m glad to see it’s being talked about by online therapists who see the benefits of unfriending, blocking, or muting. I used to feel crazy and weak for needing to do this to people to remain sane. It made me feel like I couldn’t keep friendships. The thing is, I cut people off before for small things that bothered me and I cut people off for trying to make a relationship that ultimately failed. feel like I’m a likable person based on my personality and my good heart, but I am practically friendless because I don’t tolerate bs, dishonesty, and stupid small talk (gossip, irrelevant things). I’m learning to be okay with very, very few people in my life. It doesn’t bother me as much because it just reinforces the old saying that some of the loneliest people are some of the realest. I’ve never gone along with a crowd even if I wished I was part of a friend gang. Now I see how God saved me from so much drama. I just hate how I let the word petty seep into my mind. People misuse that word too much, much like the word toxic being used to describe something that may or may not be reparable. Just rambling here, but I appreciate this video because it reminds me that I still need to practice boundaries and not feeling bad if people react badly to them. If someone acts up because you demand respect, fuck that. Lol.

  • Kimberly Terrell
    Kimberly Terrell 4 years ago +35

    I just spent hundreds of dollars on a therapists for something I just learned in a few minutes😞 Self-love! It’s even biblical!!! Well, I’ve got some unearthing and re-learning to do. And then...I will teach my two daughters 😍

    • Stephanie Lyn Coaching
      Stephanie Lyn Coaching  4 years ago +1

      Often times with therapy that is the problem people have.. they stay stuck and are not learning the tools to help them move forward. They see what the problem is or behavior but never learn what needs to change to move forward.
      Thanks for commenting!

  • Julie Davis
    Julie Davis 4 years ago +22

    So much for the majority of neighbors, family and church. This place may encourage me to be a hermit after all. Thanks so much.

    • Laura C.
      Laura C. 2 years ago +1

      I too considered that.

  • Emuesiri
    Emuesiri Year ago +2

    I definitely needed to hear this today. I'm currently going through some boundary issues at work... This helped a lot. Thank you so much!

  • mary wolfe
    mary wolfe 4 years ago +16

    you're such a pretty, sweet lady. you are right, people will treat us the way we let them. I feel so sad and lonely when I figured out who really cared about me and who didn't. I found this all out during a divorce and illnesses. Friends of 25, and 30 years just abandoning me when I needed support and they didn't like me being assertive. How do I get strong enough to even try to make new friends?

      GLOWINTHADARK🤍 4 years ago +3

      @J most likely they were just friends with you to see what they could get from you they were self Pleasers and self-seeking and it is better to be alone to be happy than to be around people who make you unhappy or just pretend to be happy and make you happy because you have something to offer them you're right people change and they can't take it enjoy your own company

    • J
      J 4 years ago +6

      Mary Wolfe I understand where you are coming from. Mine was 2 years ago when I lost my husband of 30 years. No one wants to be around someone grieving. His family stopped contact with me the day I buried my husband. We do live in the same town, have phones and cell phones. As far as friends go I have 1 that has stuck it out with me. These last 2 years have really changed the person I was. I am no longer a people pleaser. I say how I feel and most of the time it is not what they want to hear. Yes I am lonely and miss my friends but they were not friends to begin with. I do not work so it is hard meeting new people but I have accepted it. Being alone is better than being used. I hope things get better for you soon. Take care.

      SUZESINGER 4 years ago +6

      mary wolfe ..new n good friends...will be atracted to you,Darling..but dont try too hard..just love n respect yourself - that is the magnet!!😊😉😇😎

  • Freya Gem
    Freya Gem 4 years ago +10

    Thank you for posting this- it’s a great addendum to the book I’ve been reading and working through: Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship by Adelyn Birch. The hardest part is weathering the backlash of setting a boundary! Several people have dropped out of my life because I stood up for myself. It’s not easy, but the self-love and whole heart that develops after years of practice is so completely worth it!

  • Life Coach Trice
    Life Coach Trice 4 years ago +14

    Thanks for sharing! This is so where I am in my life right now. I just completed my Life Coach training and I've learned so much about me and what I was tolerating. I'm at point in my life where I'm setting healthy boundaries and being more assertive in a loving way and I must say it feels pretty darn good! I am more confident, accomplishing goals and so ready to help other women do the same!!!

    • Stephanie Lyn Coaching
      Stephanie Lyn Coaching  4 years ago +2

      Life Coach Trice It is amazing how good you feel and how much self-love is in.. just learning how to take care of yourself in this way! Good for you!

    • Stephanie Lyn Coaching
      Stephanie Lyn Coaching  4 years ago +1

      Life Coach Trice Yay!! Congratulations that is so exciting!

  • Bianca Pacheco
    Bianca Pacheco 4 years ago +15

    So good! This is on repeat in my library! Thank you!

    • Stephanie Lyn Coaching
      Stephanie Lyn Coaching  4 years ago +2

      Bianca Pacheco Yay!! I have my own playlists as well! It’s always good to listen to positive information. Keep dumping that stuff and then eventually something will stick. All the best!

  • Ann Harrison
    Ann Harrison 5 years ago +39

    I have a friend of many years standing, but is not supportive when I suffer with anything bad, and always is doing "one-up man ship" , and I couldn't understand it. With watching your video I realised that if I don't tell them what is going on, then they can't upset you. I have cut other friends from my life because of this, but now," another one bites the dust". Also I have had to walk away from my daughter as if I don't do what she wants she cuts me out of her life, previous video " How to cope with Jealous and insecure people." I have found that" life abhors a vaccum", you have to cut bad things from your life, in order for "good things to enter". This means that I will probably spend yet another Christmas on my own. At least people will respect me, and also I will respect myself.

    • Casper Insight
      Casper Insight 2 years ago +2

      👍 Another one bites the dust, and another ones gone 🎉😎✌

    • Stephanie Lyn Coaching
      Stephanie Lyn Coaching  5 years ago +7

      Good for you! You sound very healthy and know when to set a boundary and know when people are trying to take advantage or manipulate you. I am so glad you are enjoying the videos! All the best!

  • Tamara Brown
    Tamara Brown 3 years ago +5

    Love it! Love it! Love it! Wow! If you only knew how much I needed to hear this. Why don't they teach this stuff in schools? The world would be a better place. Thank you.

  • Ruksar Haroon
    Ruksar Haroon 9 months ago +1

    I finally understand why I react from an anger place everytime my boundaries are violated. I will work on this. Thank you so much. May you a very long life so you may continue to bless us with this. It means the world to some of us who have had struggles with these areas.

  • SpicyRedHead
    SpicyRedHead 5 years ago +174

    Can you make a video about boundries in the work place? With supervisors and coworkers?

    • Loreta Allen
      Loreta Allen 3 years ago +2

      I agree that would be a good idea.I feel that would be helpful. thanks

    • Cathy
      Cathy 4 years ago +12

      qzny0s ...Yes, it's called gray rocking. Show no emotion in your response to stressful over bearing people. People like that want a response whether a positive or negative response. Like Spock =)

    • william sharp
      william sharp 4 years ago +1

      I have a coworker who constantly testing my boundaries. First I get mad, then I wait to calm down before confronting him. It falls on deaf ears. So is it wrong if I push one of his buttons to show his actions have consequences?

    • T sich
      T sich 4 years ago +3

      YES! Great idea!!!!

    • Modern Momentum
      Modern Momentum 4 years ago +11

      I am very interested in how I can set and keep boundaries at work as well.

  • Lizziee
    Lizziee 9 months ago

    I love listening to your videos I feel like they have helped me so much! Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us and teaching us how to be better and how to love ourselves and make the changes necessary to live a happier healthier life💗

  • Laura Elzey
    Laura Elzey 4 years ago +3

    Wow… Girl you literally just blew my mind! I have been dealing with someone I have to see daily and I didn’t realize how I can deflect the abuse by not responding other than like they are a child. I don’t have to lose myself image and respect because I don’t have to give them anything of myself emotion wise after disrespecting me. I am 30 years old and I feel so silly for not knowing that sooner. I thought I was had to defend myself or explain why or forget and not respond positive or negative but I can understand who I am and what I’m not going to tolerate

  • Cata Mish
    Cata Mish 3 years ago +1

    Another great video . You just helped me Figure out why I haven’t been standing up
    For myself. Standing my ground was hard as a child
    Because my father was overly aggressive in his discipline of me. Created a lot of anxiety. Now I know I just need to stand up and use that anxiety to firmly push my boundary forward. If they don’t like, so what!

  • Sahadeva Naidu
    Sahadeva Naidu Year ago

    Thanks so much for this video, this is exactly what I needed to hear. I think it's important for me to have the confidence to let go of the wrong people in my life and maybe be by myself for a period of time, and have faith that good will then come into my life.

  • Goraiders75
    Goraiders75 4 years ago +19

    I was 36 on my second marriage when I stumbled upon what boundaries even were

    • Nancy Alexander-Carreira
      Nancy Alexander-Carreira 3 years ago +2

      Fifty-five on my fourth marriage....so thankful for this information. It should be shown in high school.

    • Stephanie Lyn Coaching
      Stephanie Lyn Coaching  4 years ago

      Goraiders75 🙌💜

    • Goraiders75
      Goraiders75 4 years ago

      Stephanie Lyn Coaching very true. Because of both my ex wifes being toxic I have been working on myself for almost 3 years now and recently started going to college for psychology I am going to become a clinical psychologist with emphisis in A.B.A, Personality disorders and trauma

    • Stephanie Lyn Coaching
      Stephanie Lyn Coaching  4 years ago +2

      Goraiders75 that’s how most of us learned.. later in life.

  • paperzing
    paperzing Year ago +1

    I stopped enforcing boundaries a long time ago to "keep the peace". Now I barely know how to begin, but I am determined to do it. Your videos are so helpful...Thank you.

  • Remszi
    Remszi 10 months ago

    That was amazing! Thank you for providing such a useful guide. I've been struggling with setting boundaries my whole life.

  • G E R A L D I N E G O M E Z

    I've been intentionally working on setting boundaries for rhe past 3 years, and I have a clear image of what that looks like in friendships and family. It's much harder to set boundaries while dating, I went on a date again last month after not seeing anyone for about 7 months. I did end up rejecting him over text when he asked me out again bc of the nice time we had on our first date. We did not sleep together, however, he kept trying to kiss me even though I rejected him a couple of times (all non verbal communication). I eventually did give in to avoid the awakward situation I guess, and out of fear? of embarassing him, he was quite desperate throughout the the whole date and I constantly found myself conforting him (people pleaser). I was pretty disappointed at myself for not standing up for myself and kept googling my specific situation, and mostly got video's on how to "get him to chase you". Funny how many video's there are out there on that topic, I wanted the exact opposite, a video on how to chase him away xD. I want to learn how to tell guys exactly what I want or don't in the moment, in person, even if we don't know each other that well. Anyways, thanks for the video, it reminded me that it doesn't matter what the situation is, if you are letting someone guilt trip you into kissing them and maybe even more, it's a sign to work on self love, and I also need to cut myself some slack when and if I do mess up.

  • Z
    Z Year ago

    This is great stuff! Thank you, I need to work on setting boundaries.

  • Jay Weiner
    Jay Weiner Year ago

    Perfect! Exactly what I needed to hear. Exactly what I needed to know. Sadly, their reaction was crystal ball 🔮 predictable. Standing my ground was SO difficult, but also so empowering. I was actually called narcissistic!! I was actually prepared to handle it! 😉👍

  • Megha Kisku
    Megha Kisku Year ago

    Thank you for bringing this (less talked about) topic. It's never too late to stand up for your own self.

  • Naomi Levi
    Naomi Levi Year ago

    This so helpful, thank you!🙏💙I just started setting boundaries and it feels so good! It was challenging but I’m so glad I’m learning how to stay true to myself and love myself enough to do this type of work. It’s magic😊

  • Lola Apelt
    Lola Apelt 3 years ago +1

    Sooooo many people need to hear this! Me especially. I've been really hininhnin on getting in touch with what I want and need in lifr, as opposed to Eeeeeeeverybody else first, then harboring secret resentment, because I knew down deep that my boundaries were weak. Thank You for helping to bring this issue to light and also to help with some solid problem solving techniques :)

  • Anna Burgos
    Anna Burgos Year ago

    Excellent ! Thank you 🙏 if we live our lives without self-love and boundaries -anybody will come and think is okay to mistreat us...

  • Rhonda Lee
    Rhonda Lee 11 months ago

    You offer great advice! Setting boundaries is so important as well as learning, at last, to say "No."

  • LovedNUnique
    LovedNUnique Year ago

    This is so true. Something I can incorporate in my life now after all the things I’m encountering. This is great advice! Love it!

  • Nic K
    Nic K Year ago

    Thank You for this video👍🏼... Much needed... At 42 I am learning about self love and setting boundaries now 😬

  • D.D. B.
    D.D. B. 4 years ago +13

    Its not about loving yourself its about being aware of your happiness I believe. Being happy and saying your going to start the day like this is top priority. It attracts good things people like to be around happy people. You must learn to be aware of the ugly and I believe what you say stand your ground. Thank you. And you are right you have to take the garbage out there a lot of better people around that are better for you and like wise. I did this a few yrs ago it was time. just wasnt healthy anymore. I also have a goals list now. Believe it or not a lot of them have happened. They become inbeded in your subconsious. You are giving me some great education. I am a sales leader at work and deal with all kinds.I really appreciate your education. I could really use someone like you in my life as a coach for a short time Im not rich. I live in Alberta Canada. Where you from ? Thank you very much for your vids I learn so much. I try to stay away from negative people they have a problem for every solution.
    Theres a saying, I am not who you think I am you are who you think I am. Thanx . I will keep watching your vids.

    • Casper Insight
      Casper Insight 2 years ago +1

      Well said, I enjoyed your comment. I now see that misery loves company and unhappy people pull you down so they can continue to feel miserable. It's exhausting being around negative people.
      It's not my responsibility to make them happy or lift their spirits. It's my responsibility to keep myself happy and lift my own spirits. If I'm not happy being around them then I'm in the wrong place.

    • Casper Insight
      Casper Insight 2 years ago +1

      Yes, Gr8 quote!
      I also like the comment that they have a problem for every solution, that resonates loudly. My soon to be XCovertNarc, is always pushing back, resisting every thing big or small.His negative, perpetually pessimistic attitude is all across the board. He is a killjoy.His glass is half empty and mine is half full. It's a constant struggle. I have to get off the misery go round. It's a dead end situation.

    • Stephanie Lyn Coaching
      Stephanie Lyn Coaching  4 years ago +1

      Beautiful Dayzee 🙌

    • Beautiful Dayzee
      Beautiful Dayzee 4 years ago +5

      Dietmar Bruestle - "I am not who you think I am, you are who you think I am". Wow, that saying sums up exactly a toxic (narcissist) person I am dealing with right now, that's brilliant. It basically describes 'projecting'. I came up with my own saying "It takes one to suspect one", but your saying spells it out much better!

    • Stephanie Lyn Coaching
      Stephanie Lyn Coaching  4 years ago

      Dietmar Bruestle thank you so much! If you are ever interested in 1-1 Coaching you may email me here info@stephanielynlifecoaching.com

  • Deborah Bloem
    Deborah Bloem 3 years ago

    Hi Stephanie, I discovered your channel a few weeks ago. Thank you for this video! I have always had problems with setting boundaries. I have been doing a great class in assertiveness 15 years ago and I have learned a lot from it, but still have problems sometimes with setting boundaries. I have a problem now and then with a colleague, we are working at a informationdesk at a hospital. Last week she did it again and has done it many times before. I am busy answering a question from a patient. While I am busy she is interfering again and takes over. I have told her 2 times now to stop doing that, when I am talking to a patient I am in charge, when she is busy with a patient she is in charge. But she keeps crossing my bounderies. I know she had problems with another colleague over the same thing and that woman got our supervisor to solve the problem. I am thinking about that too. What would you recommend to me the next time she crosses my boundaries again?

  • Anibal Lugo
    Anibal Lugo Year ago

    Thank you Stephanie!! I really appreciate and value this video. I now know that I have been a "people pleaser", codependent and "weak" person. In short, to "nice"!! This tool of establishing and enforcing boundaries is key to healing and transforming into a much better version of myself!! Thank you so much!!

  • post card
    post card Year ago

    Thank you Stephanie! You've just given me the words that I'm longing to say but never been able to say them.

  • Erick Herndon
    Erick Herndon 3 years ago

    Hello Stephanie, I just started listening to your videos and they are all resonating with me deeply. On setting boundaries, in a long term marriage with my wife, that is on the rocks, I have experienced push back to the point of violent behavior; making me very fearful to set them again. Thanks, Erick

  • Luis Tentindo
    Luis Tentindo 4 years ago +8

    Thanks so much! This is golden information and your presentation is really clear and obviously coming from an authentic place of self awareness and self-loving practice. I really needed this today!

  • deb yager
    deb yager Year ago +1

    U Rock!!!! I just found you and needed this exact thing! Boundaries have always been hard for me. So thank u. And I listened to one yesterday calmly responding instead of reacting 🙏🙏🙏

    • Jack Petersen
      Jack Petersen 10 months ago

      deb yager,You look cute 🥰,Hope you are with a good man!

  • Jessica Brown
    Jessica Brown 3 years ago +3

    I'd love to see what some basic healthy boundaries would be for all relationships.

  • Anjoli Aisenbrey
    Anjoli Aisenbrey 3 years ago

    Such a helpful video! Wish I heard this years ago as I learned the harder way but setting boundaries are so crucial in all relationships. I realized once I started doing this, I lost a lot of so-called friends but freedom is beautiful!

  • -Melanie-
    -Melanie- 2 years ago

    This was exactly what I needed to hear - to learn. I will be listening to this a couple of times. Thank you.

  • The Afro-Jamaican Vegan

    Amazing video for me! I have learned to stop being angry, but to remain calm when someone disrespects me especially my toxic relatives. I first heard of boundaries back in 2008, and I was reminded of this back in 2016. I have to think about my standards which I need to think about, in order to then learn what my boundaries will be, so that my toxic relatives can drop from my life.

  • Cali Williams
    Cali Williams 3 years ago +1

    worth watching to the end

  • jaeeva
    jaeeva 5 months ago

    This is me so much at the moment. I'm so anxious and am scared of upsetting people if I defend myself but listened to this and it totally makes sense. Now the hard part... Putting it into action... I'm going to have a good damn go though. Thank you Stephanie

  • Luna Shadow
    Luna Shadow 3 years ago +2

    I've been in situations where I've felt so desperate that I would have just dealt with anyone/anything if it meant not being alone and that exponentially exacerbated the issues.

  • Robert Henry Scott
    Robert Henry Scott 3 years ago +3

    Thank you so much for this! This is truly a blessing to me.

  • Keilana Ki
    Keilana Ki Year ago

    This video is great, thank you! Do you have a video on setting boundaries with codependent people? I have many in my life at this moment, and have noticed that when setting a boundary with these people, you receive the backlash and they punish you. How would you recommend to deal with that type of behavior? Decide if you need to cut them out?

  • Patrice Fowler
    Patrice Fowler 4 years ago +3

    Stephanie... You are such a breath of fresh air to me!!! Thank you so much for this "service" that you are providing for me and those like me!

  • Cheerphoto
    Cheerphoto 11 months ago

    I really love your videos and I’ve learned a lot from them. I’m so grateful for your advice. My husband scolds me on a daily basis and tries to micromanage how I do things. Stephanie, how do you suggest I tell him that I do not want him to do this anymore. He escalates whenever I stand up for myself so I want to find a way to calmly state my case but do it in a way he won’t get defensive about.

  • Evelyn RV
    Evelyn RV Year ago

    Great topic! I'm going through this with my boss' secretary. She crosses the line every time she can making decisions. Sometimes says he wanted it that way and we never know if it's true or not. I'm trying not to get angry and handle it politely. It's not easy.

  • Erin Bechtold
    Erin Bechtold 4 years ago

    I’ve seen several of your videos and they’ve all been helpful but this one is especially! I wasn’t sure how to tell people what isn’t appropriate, and also to keep calm within yourself and not be angry. I’m going to be a mom soon and I’ve had lots of trouble with my borderline mom, and narcissistic MIL. I’m not hopeless about it anymore. Thank you so much😊🙏

  • Marisela S
    Marisela S 4 years ago +7

    New subscriber! Love this video! Very informative! Stuff everyone should know! Thank you! I need to apply this ASAP!

    • Stephanie Lyn Coaching
      Stephanie Lyn Coaching  4 years ago +1

      Marisela S Welcome! Thank you so much for subscribing and I am so glad that you love the videos.. There are more to come!

  • Ankita Deshpande
    Ankita Deshpande 2 years ago

    Loved the video.. Great tips and very practical approach. Most importantly, it taught me that it is necessary to remain calm and self loving when setting boundary!
    Thank you so much!!!

  • Patrice Y Simmons
    Patrice Y Simmons 3 years ago +3

    Yes. Thank you. Very well said Stephanie. God had to show me that I can forgive but I don’t have to stay in relationship with them. I am still learning. Good video.

  • Mary
    Mary 8 months ago

    Great message. I am currently in situation with my narcissistic sister. This video has emboldened me to hold my boundaries. I feel confident in standing in “my truth”. It has taken me 59 years.

  • smartdust1976
    smartdust1976 4 years ago +3

    This is a great video Stephanie Lyn, I always struggle and could not find what is right and what is wrong. I was always in stage of doubt.As I always wanted to make other people happy so when I stood up and try a better understanding,.Cannot tell you how much effort I put to start learning about these stuff. I used to seek confirmation from others despite the fact that deep down in my heart knowing somethings was not right and I did the right thing to walk away and set my boundaries. Sometimes the cost was high, ending to losing what I was thinking love.You know how many years it costed me for redefining and understanding these stuff. I thought I should write down this under your video, please keep continuing this. The impact you create from making these stuff available for people for free is great and it is not measurable. I am still learning and seeking for growth.i found your summarisation is so valuable, someone need to go through the pain to understand fully what you are saying. Thank you Thank you

  • Mala Anand
    Mala Anand 4 years ago

    I can relate to all that you have said in the video.... How I wish I was taught to set boundaries and stand up for myself during my childhood.... Instead I was taught to be a people pleaser at the cost of my self love... Thanks a million for this eye opening video..

  • Betsy Cossaboom
    Betsy Cossaboom Year ago

    The lessons repeat until we learn them! Once we have learned the lesson, those people will either change their behaviors toward you, or they will disappear from your life altogether!

  • Xiaofeixiong Wuling
    Xiaofeixiong Wuling 4 years ago

    Thank you very much for your video! As a victim, I felt frustrate when I was in those situations. Sometimes I felt they were interfere things that are not their business. But they did it skillful, and they even didn't give me the opportunity to express my feelings. They may know that they are violating or abusing me, but they keep doing this to achieve their goals. I believe that there are some people have same situations as me.

    • Stephanie Lyn Coaching
      Stephanie Lyn Coaching  4 years ago

      Xiaofeixiong Wuling absolutely there are numerous people just like yourself going through the same things.

  • Sharon Collins
    Sharon Collins Year ago +1

    Really love listening to you you make a lot of sense. This is something I have struggled with x

  • Melanie Brewer
    Melanie Brewer Year ago +1

    Thank you!!! Your amazing!!! I’ve been empowered by you so much I’ve decided to take up life coaching thank you 😊

    • Jack Petersen
      Jack Petersen 10 months ago

      Melanie Brewer,You got a lovely smile 😊

  • Jack L
    Jack L Year ago

    I kept wanting to hit a love button a zillion times. Thank you for all you do, Stephanie!

  • blueshoes915
    blueshoes915 3 years ago

    Wow! This was very helpful. I have watched a lot of videos on boundaries but this one “sunk in”. I can think of many examples where I could have/should have had boundaries and see now how I could have/should have handled it. It seems easier now somehow. I think when we are not taught this growing up or ever had boundaries, it seems complicated. This video shows it is not as complicated as we think, it is simple; we just did not have that mindset or knowledge to understand fully. Thank you for the clarity and understanding!

  • Aerin Gossett
    Aerin Gossett 4 years ago +3

    Thank you for putting these videos online. You help me a lot!

  • Marie Kay
    Marie Kay 2 years ago

    You are so right boundaries are so important in any relationships. Alway good to refresh yourself.Thank you really enjoyed listening to you.

  • Priyanka Baranwal

    You r the first person who taught me about the boundaries. Now I'm setting them and what do you know? M freeing myself . Big thank you, Stephanie

  • Fancie Wade
    Fancie Wade Year ago

    This is the support I needed today!! I feel fed an nourished in my psych! I’m elevated and enjoying my new space!!

  • Brandy
    Brandy 3 years ago +1

    Perfect and motivating I really needed this . Loved it and I will start today with boundaries .

  • Cassondra
    Cassondra 4 years ago

    Thank you so much for posting this video! I have recently begun seeing a therapist and this week one of the things she and I discussed is setting healthy boundaries. This video really helped to build upon what we discussed in this weeks session.

    • Stephanie Lyn Coaching
      Stephanie Lyn Coaching  4 years ago

      Fearlessly Authentic 🙌 YES! Boundaries are the start towards full recovery and attracting healthy relationship since your life! All the best to you! Thank you for watching